Mr.Duck on 4/10/2009 at 04:03

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I'm with BA.

Time, hopefully, will give out a right answer for you and hubby.

Or get a few conditions of your own, as BA said, into ink and paper so you can accept their kind, but rigged, offer with a "Get Out Of Jail" card up your sleeve.

No favor should come in chains of any kind, specially coming from family (yours or his). But that's just my op.

Best of luck, Shayde girl.

Scots Taffer on 4/10/2009 at 06:50

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I'm intrigued by many of the responses here, because I've got to say that if I was in a not-so-great position financially and had the opportunity to alleviate those concerns both on my marriage and on my prospects for the future (and possible future kid's futures) I'd have to say I'd strongly consider it - the number one question that would then concern me is: can I live with these people?

Shayde, on the notion that leaving this house later on in life would cause a massive argument... broach that subject now. Have an open discussion about "Captain Control" and his motivations in this offer as well as YOUR motivations for possibly accepting. After all, it's a ridiculously generous offer (which everyone here seems to be overlooking in favour of CONTROLLL FREAK OMG) and it may be that he just wants all his grandkids close together and as a close family unit, as Tocky says you can do worse than live close to family. Of course, it can be hell too... that all comes down to your particular family dynamics that I don't think anyone here is qualified to comment on.

I think that's the go to be honest, you're slightly uncomfortable with the implications/motivations of his offer and also uncomfortable about what it might mean in the future when you and your family use this situation to your financial advantage and leverage yourselves a house someplace else.

Be open about this and chat it over with all parties and see what shakes out.

SubJeff on 4/10/2009 at 11:51

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This.

Shayde this all really depends on your relationship with your father-in-law. I agree with Scots in that he may just want to have his family close, which as far as I'm concerned is perfectly understandable. Your kids and their cousins will grow up together, and if you (all the young families) get on this set-up could be a tremendous source of support.

What is his motivation? I can't just be to have control. Control freaks always have an underlying motivation and it's whether his is good/acceptable or not that would make the difference to me.

Also talking about long-term future is very important as loads of people have said.

Finally - the issue of all or nothing might have a perfectly good financial/planning permissions reason for it.

Shayde on 4/10/2009 at 15:17

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Yeah I'm pretty much with you at this stage scots. It is very generous and would help our family and future a great deal.

I think despite the massive lean here to "aww hell naw" we're going to tell them that we'd be grateful to accept the offer, with the understanding that we would move into our own place when and if we can afford it and that we'd have to work out a contract with them before taking residency.

We do get along well with his parents and siblings and all the cousins are very close.

My fear really is less about the situation being unpleasant, and more about feeling like I'm finally caving into his control over every member of the family. But then if that means my son can afford to have a sibling and a decent education, I can put on my big girl panties and get over it.

addink on 4/10/2009 at 19:30

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Though a yes, combined with the understanding that you'll move once the opportunity is there, sounds quite good given your situation, there is still the seemingly unnecessary 'all or nothing' deal that is attached to it.

I'd address that too. Ask him why.

Family is a great thing to have close. Getting along is one thing, just be sure that there's plenty of mutual respect and trust. Family can cause enough stress when they're not right next door, living right next to each other won't improve matters once some friction arises.
Don't underestimate the need for personal space.

Also, good fences make good neighbors. If you decide to take the offer, make sure that every one, including the father-in-law, is clear on boundaries. It's a great gift, still there should be no demands attached.

My dad, somewhat of a control freak, used to be similar in giving really useful gifts 'without strings attached', right when I needed it. But a couple of years and a couple of fights along I learned that with the gifts he felt he bought the right to meddle in my life.
Avoid that situation.