Gingerbread Man on 3/10/2009 at 20:06
Hell no.
Queue on 3/10/2009 at 20:12
Shhhhh... The neighbors can hear you.
Muzman on 3/10/2009 at 20:54
Serves you right for marrying Italian Shaydey (or Greek? Indian? Chinese? Slav? Arab? There's probably others.)
That's something of a joke.
Anyway, the appearance of independence is overrated. It's one thing to not want to get locked in to the potentially awkward. But saying yes or no to this is a case of standing on your own two feet regardless of what anyone else thinks. Concoct yourself a nice out clause up front and make it plain. It sounds like it might be an interesting way to live for a while. Or if you know already you cannot abide the in-laws' company en masse for more than five minutes at a time then the descision is clear.
Volitions Advocate on 3/10/2009 at 22:11
Quote Posted by Queue
If you are having
any warning signs going off,
any anxiety over this, then it is a bad idea.
A good idea you wouldn't have second thoughts about.
If there is a doubt, there is no doubt.
Starrfall on 3/10/2009 at 23:13
You know better than us whether real issues are likely to arise. If it's really going to be a problem then as others have said the answer is clear.
But at the same time it seems to me that absent any serious issues, taking the house is the best way to build the life you and your husband really want to build.
oudeis on 4/10/2009 at 00:20
No fucking way in hell. The house is the bait for his hook. Unless there is a compelling economic reason for his all or nothing deal, or it was prompted by some past family dramas about accusations of favoritism, it is a bunch of bullshit and you should emphatically tell him NO.
Nicker on 4/10/2009 at 01:06
Thing is, if the patriarch wants this situation that badly, you are not entirely powerless to set and enforce your own expectations and goals if you join in. Do a little squeezing of your own.
Take the offer. Make a bunch of your own stipulations, especially around sovereignty rights (privacy, interference, child raising etc.). Get it in writing.
Make a (secret) five year plan with hubby, to be able to walk away from it if it goes south. Get a personal and private side agreement with your husband - in writing - preferably in blood - preferably his.
Tocky on 4/10/2009 at 02:07
Even control freaks love thier kids and the grandkids? forgetaboutit. If I could have talked my kids into it I would have built that lake and the three houses around it and be deep in debt but happy. But they were the independent souls I had raised them to be and had thier own ideas.
Still, when I was a kid I lived "down the hill" from my grandmother and loved it. She was always baking something good, mylord the blackberry cobbler and fried apple pies, and her teacakes I remember as heaven on a plate. Such a sweet old gal too. She was full of stories with a moral, both true and near so, and the only way to tell the difference was the twinkle in her eye. She might make us feel shamed for any wrong we had done but as long as we could make it to her arms it was homefree as far as punishment was concerned.
Her place was the meeting center for loads of rambunctious cousins to ply mischief, heels constantly thumping the hardwood floors and porches, crowding the porchswing, late evening games of monopoly, and even later ones of lighteningbug catch and s'eance trolling for ghosts around the big old hearth. I got to know them all well and we still keep in touch today.
I don't know your situation or what else he might try to control but you could do worse than be around family. I know I would be on Ps and Qs if I could get my kids next door. But, as I say, I don't know your husbands folks.
Nicker on 4/10/2009 at 03:37
Tocky put it in a kinder, gentler way than I did. The extended family is a common and effective arrangement for humans. It's the norm in most times and places. The nuclear family is a bit of a luxury, afforded by post WW2 prosperity and the automobile.
As long as gramps isn't stockpiling assault weapons, spouting fire and brimstone sermons or talking about keeping the bloodline pure (nudge nudge), looking out for each other might not be so bad.
And you need to really ask yourself, what exactly is the "independence" you fear losing?
Inter-dependence is a necessity, so you can't avoid that. You can choose where to create those interdependencies though. This may be a chance to gain some more meaningful or palpable independence - like independence from slaving endlessly just to get by.
Maybe having enough time and energy to build a meaningful and involved relationship with your children as they grow, is worth the loss of some abstract sense of personal independence.
Moghedian on 4/10/2009 at 04:02
Quote:
Now my father-in-law is pretty much Captain Control. He employs just about every member of the family (
including my husband) except for me. I refused his offers because independence is important to me.
Ah. So you are the last holdout. And Captain Control no doubt knows that you guys want another child, and that you are barely making it. And your husband works for him. So if, perchance, you decide to not take the offer... there goes the hubby's job. Or he doesn't get a raise. The alarm bells are certainly ringing...
Quote:
He wants to buy all the neighbouring properties for each of the kids and knock down property fences. Another catch, either all the kids accept the offer or no one gets it. We all have to agree to it. So emotional blackmail for our family as the other 2 have agreed already.
Blackmail, bribery and a dose of extra Control. Nice!
Quote:
I just picture my Father-in-law sitting in the mansion up above gazing down at his little fiefdom of houses at the bottom of the hill and want to gag.
Why, oh, why am I hearing someone laughing manically? *Muh-wa-ha-ha!! I OWN ALL OF YOU ah.... my little peons had better listen...*
Quote:
I have no idea what to do here.
Step 1: Don't accept the offer. Put them off. Be prepared for them to pressure the husband.
Step 2: Convince hubby to find a job where he isn't working for Daddy. And tell him to keep his quiet about it!
Step 3: Find something more steady than freelance. It's tough with a kid, I know, but still...
Quote:
So what would you do in my situation?
No way would I accept that offer. As long as I had even
half a hope of survival... no way. I've had an offer like that, and turned it down. One of the better decisions of my life.
It sounds like he is really trying to sweeten the deal, but really what do you think he wants for it ? This really seems like one of those things that once you step in... you'll not be able to step out again so easily. Think of the tar pits and the poor woolly mammoths. Just one little innocent step in to a little slightly muddy looking puddle, and then forever in the tar pit.
