Mr.Duck on 15/10/2019 at 07:04
Gray <3
Gray on 16/10/2019 at 02:27
Quote Posted by Tocky
Also there is always the chance of love. Keep your ears open. Keep your eyes open.
Hmm, yes, I logically know you're right, it just seems very unlikely. Memory is a funny thing. Thinking back now, about all the women I've ever met in my life, I can count exactly seven women who I know were attracted to me. Two I never actually spoke to, I only heard it second hand. One I only dated for a week. Two I dated for 3 and 2 years respectively. One I had to say no to, the only woman I've ever turned down, she just came out of a relationship with someone I knew, so it was all just too weird. A shame, she was really hot, but also mildly crazy. One I married. So I'm not exactly spoiled for choice. Sure, I guess there must be other women that at some point or other have found me mildly attractive, briefly, but if so I never knew about it. I'm not exactly handsome model material, I'm just a tall grumpy old fat bastard with a big head, small face, shaved head, stupid beard and crazy eyes. But even more off-putting are my opinions. I'm not someone women flirt with. When I watch the Simpsons, I feel more like (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw39tcyg7So) Moe Szyslak than (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6jSKetRBU0) Troy McClure.
Sure, I'd love to meet another woman at some point, but now is not the time. I'm very lonely, but all my thoughts are still about my wife. I've never met anyone even remotely like her. I can't imagine I ever will again. Whisky and loneliness made me install a dating app on my phone, but I uninstalled it the next day, I can't deal with that yet. I'm more the kind of guy that stands quietly at the back of the room, not the charming handsome one what walks up to the ladies and sweet talk them. I can't pretend to be that guy. If I say something intended to be a compliment, I just sound like some creepy weirdo, even if my intentions are the purest, so I don't do that anymore, I don't want to make women feel uncomfortable. If I ever do meet someone, it has to happen organically and naturally, because we have something in common, not because I'm out there hunting for any random woman to get naked with. And since I have almost nothing in common with pretty much everybody, that's very unlikely to ever happen. Also, being ill, and with no job, car, money, looks or charm, I'm not exactly every woman's dream.
The one I lost my virginity to probably never fancied me, we were just drunk and horny and did it really badly, so she's not on the above list. I remember her hair, and where she lived, but not her name or face. Now, decades later, she's still the only woman I ever met in a bar and went home with. Not for lack of trying, I just can't pick up random women in bars, they're smarter now than this girl and have learned to avoid idiots like me, so I stopped bothering with that some 15-odd years ago. When I go out drinking now, sure, I somewhat hope I'll meet someone, but I never do, and I do not pester the women in there. I know what I am, and what I'm not, and I'm not making the first move anymore. And nobody ever makes a move on me, so every night always ends the same. Alone, sobering up watching bad late night TV. In fact, no woman has ever tried to pick me up in a bar. That should be a clue. It's never gonna happen that way. And if an attractive woman was to walk up to me in a bar and started talking to me, I'd just assume it was some form of scam to steal money I don't have, or that she was a prostitute looking for a trick. I'd never believe anyone would be genuinely interested in me, so if someone actually was, I'd probably ruin it by not believing it. See? Bitter old grumpy cynic, me.
qolelis on 16/10/2019 at 17:26
I can't say much about the specifics. I do know grief, but it's a different kind. In general, neither of the two extremes of dwelling on it and ignoring it is good in the long run. A mix of both is usually best. You seem to be doing that already, but, to iterate, keep busy, feel, talk, vent, cry, but also allow yourself to enjoy things. I won't say it will get better, although, statistically speaking, in time it will. How long it will take is uncertain. What is certain is that nothing will ever be as before, but that doesn't mean it has to be bad, only different.
I would say it is "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Imagine not ever having loved anyone or anything. Imagine no one ever having loved anyone or anything. That is the alternative. A pretty bleak world if you asked me, because without love, what are we, really?
Gray on 20/10/2019 at 01:29
Well, supposedly, time heals all wounds, no? But as a science nerd, I'd compare love, longing, loss and grief to a graph of exponential decay; it may decrease slowly over time asymptotically, but never actually reach zero. Unknown variable "t" for time, could take decades.
qolelis on 21/10/2019 at 01:14
Yeah, it will most likely never completely go away. I don't think that is necessarily the goal either. You learn to live with it, you incorporate it in your repertoire.
Some days will be harder than others, while on some you might not even notice. Years later, when you thought you had moved on, a smell or a sound or even something seemingly unrelated might take you back. Sometimes when you least expect it. Some days you get reminded and start crying uncontrollably, while on other days you think about the same thing and just cherish the memory. It's unpredictable. Might be that the days of crying over time will be fewer than the days of cherishing, learning to cherish the memories more than you grieve the loss, but who am I to say!? It's an individual thing. It is also quite possible that it will never get better, but, personally, I tend to think that either our memories of the past or the once full import of it (or them) fades over time, leaving room for new memories and new things of import. That's what I want to think.
Gray on 26/10/2019 at 01:19
It's pretty much exactly like that. Your words are better than mine at expressing it.
So many things trigger memories for me, for good and bad. It's usually good memories, but they still make me sad. I miss her. I'm a very slow, stupid person, I intellectually know she's gone, but emotionally, I somehow still expect her to come back so I can tell her all the stuff I've been dying to say, even though I know that will never really happen. She left such a large, massive imprint on my soul, it will take me quite some time to fully realise she'll never be back. I mean, I know it's true, I just haven't fully understood it yet. I'm pretty stupid that way. Talking to the tree where her ashes were scattered is, I suppose, a way to slowly hammer into my own stupid head that she is actually gone. I was there. I saw all these things happen. I held her hand as she died. Death. Cremation. Ashes. All of it. I still just can't quite believe what I already know is true.
I still dream of her all the time. Our relationship may not have been the way it usually is, we were both quite weird people, but she was the most amazing person I ever met in my entire life and I feel so very privileged to have had only a few years with her. In many ways, I'm a very, very fortunate man. I saw pure, true love. I stared straight into its face. It's real.
Don't ask me if you'll ever find true love. It took me 30 bloody years of searching, with a lot of mistakes made on the way. But when I found it... I really did find it. True, pure happiness. It's real. It's out there. I hope you find it too.
Gray on 2/1/2020 at 18:52
Today, I'm happy. Not used to that.