What the hell, magazine people? I'm not gay. - by fett
fett on 18/6/2010 at 02:12
My mailman wants to stick it in my pooper. No, really. I've been trying to figure this out for awhile. He has no idea that I'm hung like Scots Taffer in the desert on a hot day, or display stamina that peels paint from the walls. I have never purposely bent over in the driveway while he inserted mail into my box (er...), or given him a second glance.
It's the magazines that he puts in my mailbox. The ones I've never subscribed to, like ESPN, Men's Journal, G Fucking Q, and Bass Fisherman. As I tossed one of each of these in my recycle bin today I got this funny feeling like when I was fourteen, sneaking behind the house with an issue of Hustler. The covers of these magazines have full color, glossy, airbrushed photos of shirtless men, the ESPN guy sporting only a pair of green jockey shorts. Even the Bass Fisherman rag, which one would expect to appeal to elderly, inbred gentlemen, had a shirtless guy in an imagination slaughtering pair of swim trunks and the obligatory John Deere cap. I think I accidentally got signed up for this shit the last time Best Buy bent me over. Maybe that's explains part of it.
WHAT TEH FUCK
These magazines are for MEN, yeah? I know gay men are probably interested in these magazines, but I'm going to take a wild guess that the majority of their readers are hetero. The ads are even worse - like something out of a Sypha Nadon wet dream (love you, bro, but I'm just sayin'). Guys staring dreamily across a beer at each other, or laying in a tangle of limbs, usually with a female model that looks like a thirteen year old boy. The articles (that I've actually read) are not about how to score on rugged looking Latino men - they're about subject matter that could appeal to either. Is it some metro-sexual thing that I'm just not gay enough to get?
I've thought about this as it relates to hard rock music from the 70's-80's - arguably a male audience by majority, yet why the tight pants, cock thrusting, and microphone licking? Do other hetero guys somehow like this kind of stuff without being gay and I'm missing out?
I'm subscribing to Penthouse in retaliation, and making my wife get the mail until I can sort this out.
PeeperStorm on 18/6/2010 at 03:41
Quick, what's fett's address? I'm gonna sign him up for a couple of pro wrestling mags.
Turtle on 18/6/2010 at 04:35
Ha ha, fett's gay!
BrokenArts on 18/6/2010 at 04:59
His wife must be ok with it then.
TBE on 18/6/2010 at 05:06
On a plus note, Ricky Martin goes your way if you're into that now. I mean, come on, if you're gonna go that way, it may as well be with Ricky Martin. ;)
Inline Image:
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k8/TafferBoyElvis/ricky.jpgYeah, I don't get the whole thing about dudes trying to be all, "Hey, dude, look at me, I'm hot." If I walk by that damn stinky Hollister store in the mall again, and a dude walks out checking me head to toe, I'm throttling him! Why do they need to look at me like an object? I'm a person too!
p.s. Fett's gay.
Renzatic on 18/6/2010 at 05:27
Quote Posted by BrokenArts
His wife must be ok with it then.
Honey, those "how to fellate like a man" instruction manuals I keep on the top shelf of the closet behind that old pair of totally fabulous shoes are just in case I go to prison and really need cigarettes. I mean if I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna want to do it well, right? That's what I'm thinking. I bet I'll damn well get more cigarettes than the other inmates, too.
fett on 18/6/2010 at 05:42
Fuck you, Renz. I mean...no...not like...not YOU...I mean...you know what I mean. Right? :erg:
Renzatic on 18/6/2010 at 06:11
This is gonna end up another one of those awkward meetings behind the Piggly Wiggly, isn't it?
ercles on 18/6/2010 at 09:32
Can't speak for Men's Journal of Bass Fisherman, but GQ and ESPN magazines are two that I am subscribed to myself, and I never really had a problem with the ads to be honest. I do find interesting the notion that ads featuring half naked dudes in a men's magazine can't be hetero, whereas the skimpy ads that exist in women's magazines are pretty normal. In both cases the ads are surely designed to represent an idealised version of what you (with the you being the target audience of the magazine, not fett necessarily) should want to look like rather than "I crave bratwurst when I read GQ".
