Tocky on 22/11/2025 at 05:55

---

Oh Christ. Was I really that violent and slutty? I've been trying to piece together these stories chronologically or at least in order of theme and I've noticed who I am and it isn't exactly pretty. Even once I take out curse words and some sexual content this still isn't the kind of thing you want your family reading. It's honest. I want that. Life is dirty. It's not some pristine enterprise. Do I want that? Do I want those I love to know how awful I am? They love me. The me I've presented to them.

I was a kid who wanted the love and family I grew up with. They know that part. But am I a good person? Am I worthy of the life I've been given? Oh my friends will get a kick out of it. They will have a good laugh and remembrance. The shallow part of me laughs with them. But what of family? I think my son and daughter will see me in a good light regardless. My wife won't like the parts with other women in them. Do I hope she will see it's what brought me to her? I look like such an asshole. But isn't honestly sacrosanct? How do you figure out what it's about if you are not completely honest? Ohgod I'm such an idiot. How would I hide that anyway?

I'm hoping the fill in parts of everyday family life that I didn't share here because they weren't exciting or germane will make the difference. I'll add the Michael story that I kept from you that hurt me so much it nearly drew me to such despair that I floundered near the edge of the black hole . But am I the asshole I seem to be? It's hard to know. If I were God how would I judge me?

And there are things I can't find. Did I tell them elsewhere? Did I just imagine I did? Funny and odd little bits that made life bearable in their way. I can't fathom that I didn't tell of Thumper.

Once coming in from my route one evening I saw a little rabbit hunkered in the middle of the road. He was on the center line around a country curve near home. How wonderful would it be to bring him home to my daughter? I had brought her other animals. Even an armadillo that I didn't let her keep but just to know what one looked like. This would be one to keep. One to raise. One to love.

He was so little he fit in my palm. He was so docile. I never thought there might be anything wrong with him. I never questioned how easy it was to just scoop him up. I laid him beside me and rode the rest of the way home with him not moving. She loved him right off. What little girl would not? Rabbits are the sweetest things. He was especially so.

But there was a reason we named him Thumper beyond just the reference to Bambi. He had no balance. In order to get anywhere he had to thump along the baseboards otherwise he would tump over and not be able to move. I don't know if it was because he was hit by a car or had been born without balance. Nature is cruel. We fed him with milk from a bottle and grass and lettuce then pellets for rabbits. He thrived. He grew. We kept him for about three years. We always knew where he was because we would hear him thumping along the wall. We also had an easy time of cleaning up after him because we knew where his booty balls would be. If placed in the center of the floor he would just fall over and lay there. He was the sweetest most vulnerable thing.

Then one day we were bringing in groceries. We had a cat that we kept outside. He was a stray that had been dumped on us which is how we get most of our animals. He came in. Seeing a rodent which is his natural prey he killed poor Thumper. I was angry and wanted to blame my wife. I had been so careful until then. But that is the way you do when you don't want to accept blame. I could have shut the door my damn self.

We buried him with the other pets in our pet cemetery out back. Many well loved animals are in that little bend before the creek. We wouldn't forget Thumper though. He wouldn't let us. We would hear him thumping along the base board for months. I didn't fall for it at first. Yeah sure. I accused Dan of making the thumping noise. He denied it but I didn't believe. Then one day when all the rest had gone to town for groceries I heard it all of my own alone while reading. I knew then it was real. After that I accepted there are things I cannot fathom. We even made a joke of it when we heard it. Go to the light Thumper, we would say. Eventually we heard him less and less until one day I thought back on the last time and it had been months. We never heard him again.

I hope it is the animals that judge us. I stand a chance then. Before an alien being not so much. I've been very bad in my life. But I've been very good to the weakest and most furry.