Harvester on 19/6/2021 at 20:24
Sorry for your loss Tocky. One of those days. Today 4 years ago my wife passed. Here’s a pic of us. Also, a friend of mine also lost one of her friends today.
Before I’m going to bed today I’m having a Scotch for my wife, your friend and my friend’s friend. Take care man!
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Tocky on 19/6/2021 at 22:59
Such a beautiful woman must have been hard to let go of. I'm sure I can't imagine the half of what you have gone through. It's piss poor consolation but you got to be there for her and shoulder the pain she would have had to feel if the roles had been reversed. Here's to the ones we love then. Here's to knowing them for however long. However long is never long enough.
fett on 22/6/2021 at 15:54
How did I miss this thread? This is GREAT stuff. Can I play? Does everyone have access to some type of mild sedative?
Tocky on 23/6/2021 at 03:04
Quote Posted by fett
How did I miss this thread? This is GREAT stuff. Can I play? Does everyone have access to some type of mild sedative?
I usually do. Play away. I've been trying to get folks to tell me stories.
It was as good a funeral as one could have I suppose. My family had been asked to come early and be counted as their family. A little heart stuck to the lapel in signification. Karen came and Rena was a little catty about it. Bless her she still thinks I'm attractive to women though that ship has long sailed. I spent time catching up with folks I hadn't seen in a long time. For a guy who never liked to go much of anywhere he had a lot of friends and we told stories of him and laughed. Even the preacher said there were some stories he couldn't tell and everyone knew what he meant and got a chuckle. We did the ritual. The speeches, the songs, the hereafter. He was heavy. I expected the lost weight from cancer to have whittled him down but not so much really. Nobody stumbled though. The procession proceeded.
I lost it some and sobbed when I set my boutonniere on the casket and then again when I hugged his mom, Ruth. She kept asking what are we going to do without him and all I could reply is I don't know. I don't. When I got to the end of the line and stepped out from the shade of the tent top one of the other pall bearers, a big burly biker, hugged me and we both cried on each other for a bit. Storm clouds were rolling in and since it had been such a walk to where he was buried at the back of the grave yard, one Richard and I had mowed back in our teens, I had left my unsteady mom with my wife in our car. As I stood there various folks, his brothers and sisters and cousins, came by to shake my hand. I tried not to hog all the comforting and to give back as good as I got. People dwindled a bit. Then I saw Linda alone near a grave a bit farther along.
I wondered would she come. Of course she did. She wouldn't let Cuz be buried without her though she had to make the trip from Ocean Springs to do so. I called her name and went to hug her. I didn't want to hug too long and make her uncomfortable but it had been nearly forty years. Maybe we both hugged a bit longer than we meant to. She said she had wanted to make it up before he passed and had planned to just the next week. I told her how fast it was and how it surprised us all. She spoke of various things I don't recall as I looked in her eyes and she in mine without breaking contact. Still that deep cornflower blue. Then my daughter ambled up, curious I suppose, and I introduced them. I told Linda my daughter was like the daughter Richard never had and Samantha told a story or two of their relationship over the years. Then Linda called her daughter over who I hadn't seen since she was three. As we talked I marveled that she still had the same smile. I told her I had pictures of that smile and we agreed to share ones we had, hers of Richard and mine of her, her mother, and her uncle Jerry who had passed some years back. She mentioned Richard being a mall Santa one year and I let her know I had a picture of that.
Linda asked would I come to an after party at her cousin David's house. I let her know I had to get my mom home and made excuses. Really, I didn't think my wife would go and didn't think it appropriate for me to without her. The butterfly tattoo passed briefly through my mind as we looked one last time then parted. I don't think either of our daughters caught on. I hope not. It was before my life really began with the marriage to the love of my life and really none of their business. Just a fragment of sweetness before real life happened.
On the road out my daughter put her head on my shoulder and damned if we didn't cry again. Her husband Dustin said he didn't think she would cry that much if HE died. Oh he would be surprised, I said. Love is damned powerful.
Tocky on 10/7/2021 at 07:15
When I went to my son's for the fourth my brother in law, Bubba, came too and told the story of running through the dry cornfield in Sean's and Troy's trucks. It was interesting to hear from another perspective so I kept quiet. He marveled that he could recall it so well. Then I told him about the other three stories he forgot from the same day. I told them here. I don't mean to upstage anyone. I just remember everything. I love my life and all the crazy people in it. So many are dying though. My old boss died now. He wasn't a favorite. I never thought he appreciated me much. Maybe we don't think any of them do that enough. They never seem to see all the extra effort we put in. But then a week before he stopped by the place and mentioned how long I had been at the company and that nobody outlasted me or worked harder. It doesn't make up for all the long hours at less pay than I deserved but my stupid ass stayed didn't I? It was steady and covered the bills and a little more. It made my family life possible. It was good to hear it acknowledged there at the end that he knew the effort I put in. Hell, I worked twelve hours a day for a year straight on the Tennessee route.
And now I have another funeral to go to. Fuck. A good memory doesn't help sometimes. I recall too many times I was fucked over. So many times I wasn't listened to. So many times the work I put in was rewarded to someone else. I should have opened my own business back when it was easier to. Now it's too late for a number of reasons. Besides I work for another guy now, same business though, Robert just sold it to him. He knew what he was doing. He saw the shape of things coming. I do too. I just want to hold on till I retire in five to seven years. If I live. Who can tell? People are dying all over. Be nice to get that camper and tour the country in it with all the time needed though. Not a lot of money, nothing new there, but I always managed to do the things I liked without a lot of it. I likely had times and saw things no rich man ever will. "It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right." Nail on the head Greenday.
God the miles I've driven. Never a serious accident. Lot's of close calls. I've seen People fuck up in spectacular ways. I've seen cars turn over. I nearly had a pulp wood truck turn over on me. He hit a curve too fast and he was too top heavy. He came up on two wheels or however many touch when they tilt till the whole side comes off the ground. I've seen the results when they do go all the way over. This guy got to the balancing point then came back down right side up. Good thing since I was in the oncoming lane with nowhere to go to get out of the way. I've slid sideways and gone into the other lane to avoid folks because I was going too fast and they were too stupid. Sometimes I've been the stupid one taking chances. I'll take luck over all the skill in the world but I am a skilled driver. I see the stupid in time. The last was a car that put on a right turn signal so I got into the other lane to go around as he did so. He made a left instead. I caught just enough whiff of stupid before it happened to hit my breaks and alter my course to avoid collision. It's close though. Lot's of miracles. Lot's of split second decisions.
One day. One day something comes up on our blind side and gets us. All the luck in the world won't help then. It's time. I just hope I go first. Can you imagine waking next to a cold body instead of the spouse you love so much? The horror and sadness has to be incomprehensible. I feel so bad for Judy, Roberts wife. It's tempting to want a hand to hold as you go but maybe a log truck isn't so bad. At least you don't put them through that. It happens away from their sight. The warmth gone. The realization the world you lived for is gone and you are lying next to a husk never again to speak and touch. I can't imagine. I'll be there for the funeral.
Fuck you death.
Anarchic Fox on 13/7/2021 at 20:18
Quote Posted by Tocky
Fuck you Death.
Cancer took my father. I agree wholeheartedly.
Tocky on 21/8/2021 at 04:45
I've been in another funk. I still can't believe it. Karen was supposed to live forever. She was my junior high girlfriend since I popped her bra strap in math class and my friend ever since. Never was there a time she did not come to my defense. Never was there a time she did not have time to talk. Never was there a time she did not make me smile. She was supposed to always be there. She was indefatigable. Nothing could beat her. I couldn't. How is it I will never see her sweet face again? The last I saw of her was at Richards funeral. There was no way I would have thought she would be next.
I'm just gutted. WTF? She told someone she had a stomach virus but was feeling better and the next thing anyone knows she is dead at 59. That's not right. That's not how things are supposed to work. I'm the one who should have died first. I don't take care of myself. I've always gotten more than I deserved. She didn't deserve this. Despite my not loving her as she did me she kept me as a friend. She cared about me when by rights she shouldn't have. She died alone. Her husband had divorced her. I mentioned these things in my running off at the mouth in this chronicle. Nobody was there holding her hand as she passed. It kills me to think of that. I don't know what to think anymore. Life just isn't right. I'm getting damned tired of the pillars of my life falling away. I'm getting damned tired of toting caskets. I'm just getting damned tired.
I'm serious about her taking up for me. She would not let anyone say an ill word about me though they were well deserved at times. She spoke up for me when I would not speak up for myself. She was always kind. She was always understanding. She was a decent human being and worthy of life. She sure as hell did not deserve to die alone.
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Pyrian on 21/8/2021 at 05:02
:( Rest In Peace. Do they even know what got her?
Tocky on 21/8/2021 at 05:58
No. I expected an autopsy but according to her twin sister Sharon they aren't having one. I would want to know for sure but they think it was her heart. I've never heard her complain about it. When we had our class reunion a couple of years ago she danced like Saturday Night Fever and no lack of energy. Hell, she was talking to Mary Lou about Mary having Covid and glad she was feeling better just two days before. We all sort of expected Mary Lou to not make it for a while there. I don't understand it. I can't say anything. She isn't my family but I would want to know. I know a court reporter isn't like an attorney or judge and makes enemies but what if it was poison? The "stomach flu" thing makes me suspicious. And if it was just food poisoning the CDC needs to know that.
I don't know man. I appreciate your condolence though. It's just such a surprise. She was tough. Here is a poem I edited of hers back in high school for an Anchor publication.
"I'll be up before too long"
My whole world is at my feet again
I'm feeling tired and beat again
I know the meaning of defeat again
But I'll be up before too long
I'll get over you just once again
and I know I'll make it without you again
and I won't go where I've already been
Yes I'll be up before too long
The wind is blowing a brand new
sense of freedom all around me
And I'll forget this crazy feeling of loss
that you know will surround me
The sun will soon be shining down on me again
I'll soon be living high and living free again
Then I'll gain vision and I can see again
Yes I'll be up before too long
I always thought she would be up before too long.
Pyrian on 21/8/2021 at 19:54
Quote Posted by Tocky
I expected an autopsy but according to her twin sister Sharon they aren't having one.
Media leads us to think autopsies are routine, but it seems that IRL they're quite unusual. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.