fett on 3/1/2011 at 05:38

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2009 was the year that we were confirmed and justified in our gut wrenching decision to pick up our lives and start over in a new place in 2005. We had abandoned the ministry, most of our faith, most of our friends, my band and career, proximity to our families. We had sold our house, tossed all our financial eggs in a single basket and strode boldly down the road to nursing school, the possibility of a normal life that we'd never had. Everyone told us it was too much of a risk, especially with my health concerns and two young children, but we took the chance.

2009 was the year when we proved everyone wrong. Despite financial setbacks, a false pregnancy, emergency trips back "home" to help ailing parents, and inexplicable and bizarre medical problems on my part, Christie graduated, and with honors. She landed a coveted job in the cardio ward in the largest hospital in the area. By November we had paid back most of the loans we'd taken out for school or to pay bills with. I was full into rehearsals with my old band for a series of dates in Little Rock with a decent amount of money on the table. Early testing showed that Rich was doing great after 6 months of homeschooling. For the first time in our married lives we weren't struggling to pay bills, or to find God's will, or to deal with other people's lunacy swirling around us in the name of Ministry. We were settling into a normal life, shopping for houses, discussing the possibility of taking a travel nursing job to see the country on someone else's dime. Life was good.

In January, we had to take in my niece because my brother-in-law decided she was a punching bag. My 15 year old dog died. My father-in-laws lymphoma came back with a vengeance. It kept going from there. Above all, there were these niggling worries about unexplained low back pain, bouts of bronchitis, increasing fatigue, and a sinking feeling that my medication of 10 years was causing more severe side effects that usual. After some local tests, I went to Boston. Most of you know the story from there.

I don't know how to feel about 2011. I'd like to think it's the year that things get better, but I've been told different. That I'll keep getting worse until I go on a transplant list. The daily evidence bears this out. My immune system is crapping out - I've been sick at least 50% of the time since last July either with sinus colds, viruses, or the flu. I'm carrying almost 15lbs. of extra water weight - a result of the progressing cardiomyopathy - that no diuretic seems to be able to get rid of. It's putting a huge burden on my already worn out heart muscle. I'm so tired these days it's hard to be productive. They say my heart should last 5 to 10 years, but I know better. I keep having to call a doctor who's 6 hours away to change my meds every few weeks because the symptoms keep getting worse. It's a strange sensation to actually feel your heart failing. So now, we prepare to travel nurse, not for fun, but because we need to explore New England for a place to live so I can be near a specialist who can help me survive until transplant. In two weeks we'll take Rich to St. Louis for a heart echo to see if he has inherited the disease (50% possibility) - though the test will only tell us what's happening now, not what could happen in the next 10-15 years when the disease could still rear its head.

So here I am, at the beginning of 2011, not for a minute buying into the notion that somehow time can actually be measured by a calendar. It's measured in heartbeats and I can feel every single one, especially when they pound so hard they make me want to vomit. But I'd still like to think it's the year I'll finish the final draft of the novel I'm working on, and the year I'll finally get around to tracking this notebook of songs, and finish the abstract watercolor of Stevie Wonder I started eight months ago. But I don't have much energy, and I'm determined to pour the most of it into giving my kids the education that the public schools failed to give me. I also want to laugh more, drink better wine, and cry along with the next season of Breaking Bad.

I look back at 2010 and I remember January 1st, at 12:01 A.M. CST. We'd spent the night discussing which city we might travel to first, how to spend the extra cash we'd been funneling into student loan payments for a few years, hoping 2010 wouldn't be the year we lost Terry Pratchett to Alzheimer's or Christie's father to cancer, because it was going to be a good year. I remember these conversations vividly because we were so blissfully unaware that night of the radical turn our lives would take in just a few days. We were happy, hopeful, and for once, careless - and that's saying a lot for people who spent 20 years burdening themselves with the sorrows of mankind. I'm not saying we won't be that way again, but it was a perfect moment, burned into my mind, and I'll both cherish and mourn it for the rest of my life, however long it may be.

http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o291/WildeSilas/DSC02196.jpg

Martin Karne on 3/1/2011 at 08:09

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So are you going up or down hill sir?
Good luck to you and your family.

CCCToad on 3/1/2011 at 16:14

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Good to hear thigns have gone good with the family.

I know there's probably still people who would take issue with you leaving the ministry, but I don't see it that way. Even most christian churches will acknowledge that a man's first duty is to his family, and if what you are doing was damaging your family's well being than leaving was the right choice.

Stitch on 5/1/2011 at 16:01

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I can't exactly say I know how you feel, fett, but my life also went from a brilliant 2009 to a real pisser of a 2010 (as you well know).

I'm somewhat tempted to bury some hyper-personal stuff in this thread, as I feel 2010 deserves something of a write up and yet too many of the key players involved--my family, my ex, my current girlfriend--have access to my normal blog.

At any rate, hang in there, man. You're one of the greats.

Scots Taffer on 5/1/2011 at 23:56

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For the most part, I simply cannot remember much of last year.

I think my life needs to slow down.