rachel on 7/12/2008 at 15:21
Apparently she's using you as a glorified pillow. I'm no expert but I think this thing will end in tears.
Starrfall on 7/12/2008 at 16:46
Quote Posted by Shug
You mention upfront that you're not young or inexperienced, so I imagine you already know for yourself that she's emotionally weighted down and wants to play by whatever arbitrary rules she wishes to use and so forth. So you either break that down, continue as you are, or pursue other leads.
This seems pretty much right on to me, except I'd say that instead of being emotionally weighted down, she's trying to avoid getting emotionally weighed down but those two things mean the same thing half the time anyways so.
Look, it sounds like she's going through a selfish part of her life right now. There's nothing wrong with that, I'd say that most people do it at some point, probably usually during college. It doesn't mean she's a bad person, it just means that she is unlikely to alter her current patterns just because you decided to fall in love with her.
Based on what you've said, I think it's a safe bet that if you tell her, all that will happen is that she will feel some degree of awkwardness around you, which may or may not affect how she behaves towards you. If you stay in the current situation, three things might happen. She might fall for you. She might fall for someone else. You might fall for someone else. (Oh, and there's probably a good chance you'll have sex because it sounds like you're only a few skillfully placed caresses away from doing that anyways.) Either you keep things as they are and chance one of those three outcomes (and enjoy the likely fourth) or you stop hanging out with her and go your own way.
BloodCat on 7/12/2008 at 19:15
Proposing is completely out of the question, neither of us ever wants to marry. Besides I lately ended a relationship that lasted nearly a decade and that was as close to marriage as I will ever come again I think.
The "rules" of this game were actually balanced as long as my feelings didn't get in the way. That is, both of us are free to do what we want to do, including spending time together. And now you see why I won't tell her.
She's not using me as a pillow either, she actually cares for me. You will just have to take my word for it. I know when I'm being used but that's not what's happening. I changed the balance myself.
Starrfall: Thank you, you obviously have a more intuitive understanding of this. You're dead on, she's a hang fire, I'm the one who's good at bonding. And yeah, I don't expect her to change all of a sudden, or trip over herself in ardour if I told her. It would just get very awkward as you said, and probably silt up then.
Just one thing: I did not decide to fall in love with her. In fact I had decided the opposite because I knew her before and I could see that coming. But as I said, I fall very easily.
All of these three options are possible, but the one where I fall for someone else seems somewhat unlikely at the moment. I do not tend to give up on feelings easily.
One more thing: As you might be able to tell by now, role models are a bit reversed here. She's quite dominant but being a woman she may well be seeking an even more dominant male. Which is not me, in this case, with this woman. I have been the dominant part in my long term relationship. But even then my ways were rather fine compared to your average alpha.
Sometimes this makes it hard for me, as I try to keep up, but then she always notices and changes down. Most of the time it works just fine, but it's clear she wants me to be more of a leader. I guess we're both changing to accommodate each other.
jtr7 on 7/12/2008 at 19:29
So...you want all the trappings of a marriage but the without commitment? We know what you want for yourself, but what do you want for her? And what does she want for you?
BloodCat on 7/12/2008 at 19:39
I think you got me wrong. I want all the trappings of a committed relationship without marrying. I expect a few good years, open end. What I want for her is to be happy of course. And I'm sure she wants the same for me, regardless of her loving me or just liking me a lot.
Queue on 7/12/2008 at 21:29
And someone must have been telling lies about Joseph K., for without having done anything wrong he was arrested one fine morning.
I say hit her with ball-peen hammer and wear her scalp like a hat--but that's just me. It'd lend a lot more realism than this sickening dribble.
ercles on 7/12/2008 at 21:50
Naff Kafka reference wtf?
I'm sorry BloodCat but if you are anywhere near as confusing in real life as you are here than you probably just need to clear the air. You asked for people's opinions, many have said "tell her how you feel", and you've just replied by saying "no you don't understand how it is you're all horrible mistaken". Why ask at all?
The_Raven on 7/12/2008 at 21:55
Quote Posted by BloodCat
She sure likes me a lot. But she prefers rich older men, I guess. She actually has an affair with one. I don't know much about it.
Classy. :erg:
BloodCat on 7/12/2008 at 22:09
Quote Posted by ercles
You asked for people's opinions, many have said "tell her how you feel", and you've just replied by saying "no you don't understand how it is you're all horrible mistaken". Why ask at all?
We had a balance of power as long as each of us did as we pleased, with or without one another. If I tell her now, this balance is done for.
You see, the game is still on, and at the moment I'm bluffing. I'm playing my part and will wait for her to fall for me. This might work out or not. But I'm good at bluffing. The reason I asked is that I know it's a risque game. And I have more to lose the longer I play.
Edit: Just reading this again, I notice I made it sound like I was in control of the situation, which I'm obviously not. I just try to do the best I can.
Queue on 7/12/2008 at 22:28
Game? Bluffing?
Then you have the nerve to add this subtext about how you don't want to sound like your in control of anything; that, "...I'm just doing the best I can," boo-hoo bullshit.
No, no-- I've changed my mind. I'd rather bludgeon you instead.
Why the whole notion of "playing games?" Whatever happened to the idea of two people simply falling in love, sharing a moment (be it fucking or sipping a soda together), and being real.
Please, for the good of all mankind, either grow a pair or cut the ones you have off. I'm seriously more disgusted than ever.
There should not be a game.
