THEN vs. NOW: How are you different? - by Wynne
Wynne on 21/5/2018 at 23:20
As of November, Thief will be 20 years old. I think the vast majority of us came from the game, but regardless... how are you different now than you were back then? I know I'm very different; I can't be the only one.
Me 20 years ago: Shy, insecure, a hot mess of suppressed anxieties, prone to depression, victim of religious brainwashing. Very down on herself but always trying to seem positive so that others wouldn't be disturbed. Republican, conservative, mostly concerned with abortion as far as issues go. Never left the US. Never had a first kiss or boyfriend; terrified of taking that step and displeasing God. Vulnerable to manipulation. Healthy, but employed unhappily at Walmart. Unaware of psychological issues or how to fix them. Poorly educated due to region. Likely to be over-defensive and oversensitive when talking to others, but beating herself up constantly in her own head. Lacking the confidence or knowledge to tackle challenges that come with any real pressure or obligation. Complete horndog, but too repressed to more than occasionally express it in mild ways. Starting to like metal but more comfortable with rock. Wouldn't touch pop music or casual games. Tired of being called a dude for playing games that aren't casual and tired of being told women aren't on the internet. Fond of RPGs and dark beer. Hides much of the goofball within. Excessively wordy with a fast typing speed.
Me now: Still shy, much less insecure and anxious and depression-prone, passionately agnostic and in love with science. Trying to make it a point to be positive towards myself rather than just towards other people and sometimes too inclined to overcompensate by being open about everything. Registered Democrat, moderate and pragmatic nuanced worldview, favoring politicians on either side if they take primarily small-dollar donations. Lived overseas for over 5 years, legally cohabiting with someone who was abusive, but escaped. Lost a beloved fiance back in November; single now and recovering from the grief. Plagued with migraines that make a manual labor job impossible, but streaming on Twitch and excited about it. Partially educated in psychology and passionate about mental health issues and helping others. Aware of Avoidant Personality Disorder and working hard to fix the broken self-esteem that comes with it. Confident enough to start entertaining the thought of being good at something, and maybe seek out voice acting jobs to supplement a new creative career. Shameless saucy vixen (but classy... I hope!) In love with melodic metal, but not minding other genres (Eivor's awesome.) Glad the internet has changed somewhat for the better, but wishing it wouldn't keep joking that women don't exist here bc the jokes are about 20 years out of date. (It's like, I love you dude, but... I have boobs. Get used to them pls.) Still fond of RPGs and dark beer, among other strong drinks. Unable and unwilling to stop being ridiculous. Even faster typist thanks to some sweet Cherry MX Browns. Exactly as ridiculously long-winded.
Maybe it's a more stark contrast for me, having been gone for as long as I was, but I couldn't help thinking about how little I relate to my younger self in ways (aside from still loving Thief). Sometimes I feel like I haven't changed in any good ways or made any progress, but that's not actually true. I'm much more relaxed and zen. I'm not so tense and uptight. I'm not ashamed of the things that I didn't cause anymore. My opinions are mine, or becoming mine. It's really hard healing from a childhood like the one I had, but it's not as impossible as it felt for most of my life.
Only thing that didn't more than temporarily change--I'm still stuck in this slum in a small town far away from any sort of real hope for decent normal employment, like clerical work, and a good guy is hard to find. :P But maybe what I'm doing now will eventually get me out of here.
What about you?
Tocky on 22/5/2018 at 02:33
Wynne! I never knew you were insecure. You could not only hold your own against me but best me and make me like it. Glad you are enjoying life more. I always knew you were strong enough to shunt aside any crap that came your way including guys if need be. Great to hear from you. I don't know what to tell you about getting out of a small town because I've lived my whole life in one and at some point decided I love it after all.
As for me I'm still the same. Anyone wanting me to change is just banging their head on the wall. If you want to read my whole life it's the last thread still hanging on at the bottom. I may tell some more stories but honestly I was disappointed in not getting many back. I still love stories and any you have to tell, particularly if they involve epiphany amidst sex, violence, and mind altering substances, I will gladly sit still for. Hell, just any period. This bunch is so fucking tight with personal stuff it's like they were going to lose their standing in the country club to let anything slip. Don't understand that at all. Opposite of me. I'm still sort of confrontational but if I do argue with anyone it's forgotten in no time and no that has nothing to do with alcoholic blackouts. Those are just a plus.
Happy as hell to hear from you. Glad you are more chill. Life is just going to happen the way it will I figure. Sometimes better and sometimes worse but always there is a story to make of it. There is always a way to enjoy the struggle. Maybe not a few individual moments but mostly. Hell, none of us gets it like we want, to paraphrase the devil.
Pyrian on 22/5/2018 at 03:11
20 years is a long time, but I don't change often. Still manages to straddle - barely - a heartbreak that pretty much destroyed my younger self's excessive idealism. That was about 19 years ago. After that I definitely got out a lot more, so that was good, and eventually got a family, which didn't change me very much but sure as heck changed my daily life. I'm really much happier, but life is also much more challenging. And by that I mostly mean kids, lol. And my kids are good, overall. Insofar as I have less fear/anxiety, it's primarily due to having a lot more experience in general; new things I'm unsure about are still very difficult to face, but they're few and far between.
Politically, I don't think *I've* actually changed very much, but the Republican party of my youth has long since jumped the crazy train. Living in California means we get interesting things like a primary that results in two Democrats facing each other in the general election. I'm okay with that; we need more than one political party, but we DON'T need what the Republican party has become.
icemann on 22/5/2018 at 05:31
20 years ago version of me: Quiet, shy, naive to the ways of the world.
Now: Much more confident, more willing to try new things, far more successful.
Mr.Duck on 22/5/2018 at 05:57
20 years ago: A duck.
Today: THE Duck.
And no one ever forget it.
<3
Thirith on 22/5/2018 at 06:21
Me, 20 years ago: On the one hand still overjoyed that I'm doing something I genuinely love (studying, in particular EngLit) surrounded by people I like and feel comfortable with. On the other hand, fairly neurotic about myself and struggling with depression (since it pretty much had the regularity of a sine curve, with peaks every three months, it was relatively easy to accept that this was a neurochemical issue, so I was able to handle it like an illness rather than descend into the worst depths of self-hatred, but it still felt pretty shitty).
Me now: I definitely miss my life 20 years ago. I've got a job that's okay and colleagues that are good, but most of the time work is relatively boring, something I do to make money, and sometimes the organisation I work for and its structures drive me spare. I'm married, when 20 years ago I was as single as can be (though I had lots of female friends). In part I resent some of the things that have happened over the last dozen years or so, things I had no control over whatsoever, but I'm also grateful that within those parameters things are as good as they can be.
Oh, and I still pretty much dress like a student. I just have to buy t-shirts two sizes bigger. :-/
henke on 22/5/2018 at 10:29
Quote Posted by Tocky
This bunch is so fucking tight with personal stuff it's like they were going to lose their standing in the country club to let anything slip.
Hah, guilty as charged! I think perhaps I see this place largely as a respite from real life, so I don't wanna drag that stuff in here. I'd much rather just chat with you all about the things that
really matter. Like, y'know, video games and movies!
Seriously tho, I do like hearing about the things everyone's sharing here, so I suppose I gotta write a bit as well.
Then: Studying. Shy and very much a loner. Deep into games and movies, and only just starting to get into music(rap and metal, specifically). Starting to get into 2D animation.
Now: Have had steady work for 12 years, economy on solid ground. Got a lot more social and outgoing about 10-15 years ago, and then less social again when I realized I really
was more comfortable by myself, and it hadn't just been shyness holding me back. I know myself better and feel more comfortable now. I used to wonder when I'd get bored of games, movies, and music, the way people do when they get older, but it hasn't happened yet. My tastes in music seem to expand by another genre every 5 or so years. 10 years ago I got into country, 5 years ago soul music, and most recently it was musicals. Did the last of my 2D (Flash) animations about 12 years ago and then had a long creative dry streak until I got into game development 4 or so years ago. Currently working on what I intend to be my first commercially released game. If this reads like a very unsexy and boring summation of someone's past 20 years it's because
I am very unsexy and boring.
Starker on 22/5/2018 at 11:49
20 years ago there was a big economic crisis, so jobs were hard to come by. I worked at a car wash, at a sawmill, in construction -- crappy jobs with little pay that wore you out by the time you got home. It didn't help that I liked to get smashed every so often and was a heavy smoker. I don't really remember what I was like back then, but if I met me 20 years ago, I have the feeling I wouldn't like me very much. Underachiever, probably more prone to anger, more likely to blame the world for things that couldn't really be helped.
Now I'm getting a degree and learning languages. Managed to quit smoking and drink only casually and the good stuff. Money is still somewhat tight, but at least I have options now and things are looking upwards. In some ways, I feel I'm still the same person, but maybe it's an illusion. In other ways, I've changed quite a bit. Let's see... I still love reading books more than anything else. I play more diverse games now in more genres. I listen to music other than metal. I've worked to turn myself from an introvert into more of an extravert, so extraverted things take way much less energy now. For example, I'm a better public speaker now. Used to be a crowd of 20 would have me nervous and shaking, now I don't really mind 200.
hedonicflux~~ on 22/5/2018 at 12:34
20 years ago I was 9 years old and doing shit kids do.
ffox on 22/5/2018 at 15:03
This is depressing!
In my case it's what I could do 20 years ago and can't do now. For example, working in an interesting job, playing golf, swimming, walking, gardening for more than 10 minutes at a time, climbing ladders, going up several flights of stairs, doing little jobs around the house that required bending or kneeling or stretching, remembering things and being able to hear high pitched noises such as consonants. I also enjoyed puffing on a pipe or cigar occasionally.
On the plus side, I'm a little more tolerant now (which surprises me), have more leisure time, am offered seats on buses and the tube, and have lots of pretty coloured pills to take every day. Looking at others of my age I guess I'm high average.
An afterthought: I can't cope well with multi-lane roundabouts. This is a bad one (try getting from X to Y after dark in a rainy rush hour):
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