Sypha Nadon on 4/5/2009 at 00:58

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It's been.... years since I've posted a thread on here about my angst, and I'm not sure why I'm doing one now. Maybe it's because I'm suddenly feeling nostalgic. Or because I'm still a glutton for punishment. I was looking through my PM box tonight reading old messages, some of which go all the way back to 2002, involving people I haven't spoken to, or barely even thought about, in years (Haze)! Feel free to ignore these random, stream-of-conscious musings if you wish.

In a little over a year, I'll be 30. No more twenties. The whole "Return of Saturn" thing (and it's weird, but I listened to that No Doubt album for the first time in years recently and so many of the lyrics seemed to match my own life, "Magic in the Makeup" being a good example). And I suppose I've been feeling very existential. My Catholic upbringing of my first 18 years is gone. The occultist phase that occupied a good deal of my twenties (though not so much post 2006) is pretty much over. Right now there's just a feeling of existing, or stagnation. Almost 30 years old and I'm still living with my parents. Granted, it's not a unique situation... I can think of a fair number of people my age who are still living with their parents. But they don't even charge me rent! Some might see this as a good thing, but it comes with quite a bit of guilt. Feelings of being a parasite or a freeloader. You know...

A realization that everything ends sooner or later. Sure, we all know that, but there's a big difference between knowing something in an abstract sense and actually experiencing it. My health has never been all that great, but over the last few years or so it's gotten really bad. My stomach is a mess, and I'm starting to think I have IBS. And I think a lot of it can be traced to job dissatisfaction (the same thing happened in 2003, during my last few months working part-time at a supermarket... surely some of you remember my old supermarket rants?). I didn't mind Barnes & Noble at first when I was just in charge of doing magazines and stuff. I actually enjoyed it and my health was pretty good. But a little over a year ago, my position was eliminated and it's been all downhill ever since. What happened was they put me on info desk service, and it's hell for an introvert like me. Info desk is a good position for friendly people who are good at stuff like eye contact... but I just can't fake that shit. So many shifts are just me standing around with nothing to do for 8 hours, and the boredom is horrifying... and when it's not dead, it's very busy. One finds oneself asking themselves questions, like, "I spent five years in college just to stand around behind a counter for 8 hours twiddling my thumbs, telling hicks and yahoos where the bathrooms are?" And it's also an anxiety-causer, what with my unexpected bowel movements. Some days I'm strongly tempted, while driving on the way to work, to just drive down some other road I've never been on without stopping, or to just up and hand in my 2 weeks notice, even though I have no other job lined up. I want to be spontaneous, but at the same time I know my parents would freak out if I just up and quit my job without having something else lined up. Sadly, I've always been the "good son" and I hate arguing with them. Also, as always, worried about having no health insurance, especially in this weakened state I find myself in. But something has to give... this repetition of doing the same thing day after day, week after week, month after month, is slowly killing me. In fact, over the last few years I've lost 20 pounds, without even trying to diet, and I'm starting to get worried about this plummeting weight. Like maybe I'm worrying/depressing myself sick.

The future as a blank slate. Just not sure which direction to take. Change of diet? Change of job? Change of lifestyle (though it's not as if I drink, smoke, or do drugs... I'm painfully straight edge). Hell, change of scenery?

I don't know... has anyone else felt like this towards the end of their 20's? Just this kind of alienated, crappy feeling, this depression over inevitable decay, sickness, the banality of life, and so forth? I'm guessing it's not an uncommon thing.

Sypha Nadon on 4/5/2009 at 01:24

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Aerothorn, the parent thing is kind of weird. On one hand, they want me to move, but on the other hand, they also seem to want me around. A good example of this is that two years ago, I got in contact with an old college friend who I hadn't seen in some time. I mentioned how I wanted to find a place of my own and he told me he needed a roommate and said I could move in with him if interested (the rent wasn't bad either). I seriously considered it, but my mother told me it was a bad neighborhood and that I should probably keep looking (I'm not sure how bad it is though... aforementioned friend hasn't had any problems there as of yet). It probably would be good for me to get out from under my parent's shadow, but on the other hand, my lack of common sense is somewhat legendary around here. A few months back I mentioned on here my experience of going to a Madonna concert. While it may have all sounded routine to some, it amazes me that I managed to do it all and get back in one piece without any blunders. Hell, I'm still exhausted just thinking about it! I've said before on here that I've lived a pretty sheltered life. I'm not very independent at all.

As for the job thing, I've love doing something clerical, or at the very least, something that wouldn't constantly put me in an awkward social situation. I do think stress about my job is playing a big part in these health issues I've been struggling with. I have been looking, but with so many places, it's always "you need this much experience" or "you need to have this kind of degree" and so on. Plus, because I've been so tired from my poor health and work, it's really hard for me to rise to the effort, as it were.

jtr7 on 4/5/2009 at 01:48

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You may have to wean your parents off of you. This is actually another classic human scenario. The compromise is to move out but be nearby, if possible, like...within walking distance ideally. If possible. Once everyone adjusts, move further, but keep in touch. If whatever version of this you may do still gets a clingy reaction as if you are still their baby...start reminding them firmly that you are an adult, and it's high time everyone acknowledged that, seeing as how you are seeking to establish yourself as a grown-up with grown-up responsibilities...however you can see yourself doing something like this.

I keep hoping I'll get a job behind-the-scenes where I don't have to deal with people other than some coworkers and a supervisor (still not perfect, but ah well), no phone at my station for customers to ask me questions, no interaction with customers much at all.

Chade on 4/5/2009 at 03:44

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Man, move out.

I guarantee you will continue to amaze yourself, and feel a lot better for it.

While I don't know you, I know a handful of people who have never left their parent's shadows. If you are anything like them, it is killing your self-confidence. Neither you nor your parents are in any position to admit this to yourselves.

PigLick on 4/5/2009 at 07:30

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drugs and alcohol dude