Queue on 15/5/2008 at 16:43
So here comes the latest installment in the Indiana Jones franchise, and a friend of mine quipped recently that, "...everyone should be required to see this at the cinema to enjoy the whole movie going experience."
Horseshit!
The movie going experience has come down to this:
- No longer are we presented with trailers to help stimulate our film consumption palate, instead we must now endure seemingly endless loops of commercials to remind us of the need for mass consumerism while trying to enjoy our few moments of escapism. Just what I want when preparing to enter a different world is to know that Wal-Mart is right around the corner so I can pop over and buy Doritos, hammers, and condoms (if it's a lucky night) after the film is done.
- I've worked in the industry, auditoriums used to be built to showcase the picture and present optimum sound. Not any more--screens and speakers are just an afterthought. What matters, now, is seat count. Theater owners would mount seats to the wall if they could, just so long as they can stuff yet another one of the herd into a stall.
- Speaking of seats, don't kid yourselves: they're mostly covered in gum and cum. I've truly seen some freaky things, and don't know what people are thinking, mush less why they thought doing THAT was a particularly good idea at the time. One can only be led to the conclusion that as a whole we have lost all sense of dignity. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?
- As our electronics gets smaller, so do our movie screens. Why would I pay eight bucks a ticket to watch a film projected onto, essentially, a white bed-sheet. It's like watching home movies (except Aunt Ethel isn't mysteriously losing her top over and over again, right before being committed to the Happy House). And on the rare occasion one does encounter a full size screen, properly proportionate with the auditorium, it's most likely covered in boogers or spit-wads because the poor immigrants that clean the theater are too busy looking for wallets and loose change (or left over popcorn to feed the starving kids at home) that they barely clean. I recall a dirty diaper behind a row of seats that was there for the better part of three years--there was so much of that kid's DNA sloshing about on the floor I could have cloned the little bastard.
- On that note, quite frankly, the biggest sticking point is the fact that the auditorium is going to be filled with our fellow members of humanity. This translates into an orgy of organisms cramming junk-food down their necks as fast as possible in the threat that they may actually hear a portion of the dialog between mouthfuls. Why is it now that in order for humans to enjoy themselves they must graze on any bit of slop available?
- Plus, these movie-going-cattle can't quite seem to put their phones away. Must you be in touch every minute of everyday? Are you truly that important? Face it, nothing punctuates a touching moment in the film more than a Milli Vanilli ringtone. You know what is the best part about not having a cell phone? It's that fact people can't call me!
- But even the lack of cellphones won't stop some people from talking. On screen dialog is not meant to be answered. You don't have to have a conversation with the actors (they truly can't hear you). Don't warn them about going into that room, or what's lurking behind them. They don't need your advise. SHUT THE HELL UP!
- But finally, if you can endure the endless munching, the tiny screens, the boogers and baby pooh, the occasion drops of mangurt from the teenie-boppers getting it on in the back row, text messages to see, "Whaz' ya doin' beeeaaaotch," and the latest batch of commercials that you could have sworn you saw during American Idol the other night, the movie itself is either a vapid disgrace, a remake, a sequel, or a bad 70's TV show brought to the big screen. We have come to expect mediocrity to point of damn near demanding it.
I hold no hope for the human race.
Enjoy the show!
SubJeff on 15/5/2008 at 16:46
tldr
driver on 15/5/2008 at 16:52
sedr
Matthew on 15/5/2008 at 16:59
Quote Posted by Queue
Horseshit!Theater owners would mount seats to the wall if they could, just so long as they can stuff yet another one of the herd into a stall.
Nowadays I just pay double to get into the auditorium with only 32 seats arranged as double-seater sofa recliners.
Quote:
But even the lack of cellphones won't stop some people from talking. On screen dialog is not meant to be answered. You don't have to have a conversation with the actors (they truly can't hear you). Don't warn them about going into that room, or what's lurking behind them. They don't need your advise. SHUT THE HELL UP!
I've heard this about North American movie-goers, but is it common anywhere else? I the UK I think people would be shocked if anyone tried this, and they'd be out on their ear soon after.
Quote:
the movie itself is either a vapid disgrace, a remake, a sequel, or a bad 70's TV show brought to the big screen. We have come to expect mediocrity to point of damn near demanding it.
If mediocrity gave me Iron Man then I'm all for it.
N'Al on 15/5/2008 at 17:07
Quote Posted by Queue
Milli Vanilli ringtone
Me want.
The cinema I used to go to had a sign up before each screening reminding you that
"smoking, open fires, and the throwing of Molotov cocktails are expressly forbidden". I'm definitely sad to see that one go.
Hier on 15/5/2008 at 17:17
I had most of these same complaints, especially about crowded theatres and noisy patrons, but 90% of the problems were solved when I decided to stop going to see movies on their opening weekend.
Even if I'm really looking forward to it, I can wait till the Monday. That's what I did for Iron Man and there were no problems at all. Theatre was only half full, and pretty much all were adults.
henke on 15/5/2008 at 20:02
Quote Posted by Queue
a friend of mine quipped recently that, "...everyone should be required to see this at the cinema to enjoy the whole movie going experience."
Horseshit!
I like it when people think of comebacks a few hours too late when the chance to come with a witty retort has long since passed. By then the only chance they have to vent their thoughts is to go online and rant at people they hardly know who have a hard time caring about what's being said.
I'm not being sarcastic. I genuinely like it. :)
SubJeff on 15/5/2008 at 20:15
Quote Posted by Hier
Theatre was only half full, and pretty much all were adults.
Nice sometimes but there is a certain buzz when going on opening night and it's packed.
Mind you I've mostly done this in central London and if you're tard enough to shout out or make noise inappropriately there (laughing is allowed, as are genuine gasps) there will be surely be another tard ready to punch/stab you. It's like an etiquette of violence. Saw The Matrix on the biggest screen I've ever seen (apart from that one they put up in Glastonbury) in a ram packed theater, in a crappy seat and it was great.
Hewer on 15/5/2008 at 20:29
Quote:
I like it when people think of comebacks a few hours too late when the chance to come with a witty retort has long since passed. By then the only chance they have to vent their thoughts is to go online and rant at people they hardly know who have a hard time caring about what's being said.
I'm not being sarcastic. I genuinely like it.
Yeah, well the jerk store called, and they've run out of you!
Yeah, yeah, I know
Awesome commentary Queue. That's exactly why I never go to the theater any more.
mol on 15/5/2008 at 21:17
I haven't been going to the movies for mostly those reasons in years.
But also regular TV is dying, as it is.
Finland went digital tv recently - analogue broadcasts are the thing of the past. And a good thing, too, although our transition was one massive cock-up after another. Well - bygones. But the digiboxes, digital tv receivers, especially those with recording capability, built in hard drives, twin-tuners etc are amazing. Record two to four shows at a time, play back one while recording, record based on keyword searches so that it doesn't matter when a show's on or on what channel - it'll always get recorded. And watch at your convenience, not when the show's 'on'. Great!
And that's not all.
There are now tv services via broadband. I just tried for a week a service where you registered to a website, chose the free-to-air channels you wanted to record, and everything on those channels got recorded for you, to be played back at your convenience whenever, a week (or was it two) from the time of broadcast. Good quality, no probs whatsoever. A bit unpolished service, but perfectly acceptable.
This is the future of television. Why the hell should you be tied to the tv at a certain time? I want to watch tv when I have time, when I want to, not when a show's 'on'. It's great to be able to access everything that was on the past week, and play it back when I want. Commercials - u got skipp'd. But of course, they'll device some crappy DRM scheme to prevent skipping them, or increase product placement, or make all channels pay-tv -- but no matter. I still take this on-demand tv over regular any day.
