Ostriig on 18/9/2009 at 19:54
I really think Muzman's right about you talking to your wife about this. What you're describing really strikes me as the sort of thing that exceeds the typical expectations of self-sufficiency that traditionally becomes a man. I mean, it's normal for people to strive to solve their own problems, but this sounds like something no one should have to deal with on their own, and your wife is probably your best bet for understanding and constructive advice, that benefits not just you but your family on the whole. Especially since you say your marriage is good. Getting counsel could also be a valid option, but, again, I think it's something worth talking to your wife about.
At the same time, I'd also advise against letting your children in on it, to the extent it's possible. Kids tend to be seriously troubled by any sign of vulnerability on their parents' side.
I don't know how it works, is there any chance that your drug might come into circulation again?
And sorry to hear about it, I hope it all takes a turn for the better for you.
fett on 18/9/2009 at 20:08
Good thoughts guys. I think you're right about my wife. She can tell I'm not myself, but every time I think of trying to get into it, it all feels like self-absorbed bullshit. There's this weird thing that happens when you're disabled - like you already think people perceive you as being weak or feeble (she doesn't) and you don't want to add to it by complaining when you don't feel good. She's doing a couple of 12's so I'll wait till after the weekend to talk to her. Seems like a simple thing, but when I approach it, it's overwhelming - like everything else lately.
The meds are even more in shortage in Canada - when the FDA recalled it, there was a rush on the remaining generic, and now there's none left because it's not being produced anymore. No word on when their start producing it again, so I'm stuck with this stuff in the meantime.
Mr.Duck on 18/9/2009 at 20:28
<3
*Hugs fett at a lack of anything to say*
Fettums...
<3
demagogue on 18/9/2009 at 21:16
I wish I could give you good advice on the medical end, but at my level of knowledge I'd probably recommend you try pouring some gasoline in a bag and sniffing it to get the old heart pumping right. Well, on the other hand, I can tell you right now: Please don't do that!
On the emo end, when my motivation starts going out the window, at least the best therapy for me I've found is disciplining my life ... having some things to do on a schedule that I know are there, where there's some expectation on me, and I'm making progress on something, and the discipline is enough that I'm beyond the debate whether it has a point or not; I just do it and feel better afterwards ... I mean life-affirming things, not career-related, not just watching Family Guy, but like some study program (going through a philosophy book for me) or big project. It's not really the project itself that does the trick but the discipline. I sometimes feel I fall into a rut like you describe when I let down my discipline and start coasting through days. And it's something I have to consciously arrange and work myself into; it isn't natural for me. Everybody's different though; I don't know if that's good advice for you or not, but I want to feel like I can say something that might be helpful for you. :)
nickie on 18/9/2009 at 21:27
I remember the thread as well. And two things I would say.
1. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. You've never come across as an unkind person before, why be so unkind to yourself?
And 2. If it was my husband, I'd be seriously pissed off that this was being kept from me. You can't deal with what you don't know. And what's imagined is usually a whole heap worse than what's real.
Really hope that it gets better for you soon.
Brian The Dog on 18/9/2009 at 21:36
Sorry to hear about all this fett, you have my sympathy (I know that's not worth much in the world, but hey).
I'd go along with Demagogue and try and get into some sort of routine - that way when you're having a crap day you can at least attempt to motivate yourself through repetition.
As others have said, I'd also recommend talking to your wife about this stuff - I know it's what people say in their vows and stuff, but "in sickness and in health" does actually mean something, and she'd be upset if you kept something this major from her. Talking doesn't solve all the problems in the world, but it's a good starting point!
And if you find you keep losing keys etc, get an elastic belt-chain thingy for your keys and/or wallet - that way you can keep them on you without having to remember them, but you can still use them without unclipping it.
fett on 18/9/2009 at 21:41
You have a point demagogue. I wonder if some of it doesn't have to do with the more unstructured life of homeschooling - there's no daily ritual or time limit for hardly anything. I'm trying to force myself to do the usual stuff - write, clean the house, practice an instrument, etc. I always feel better when I do, but maybe I'm just having a hard time adjusting to life now that the kids are at home and the wife is at work instead of school. I can't imagine why any of that would make me melancholy because it's what we've been working toward for years. I don't think it's because we finally "arrived" either because the biggest challenges are ahead of us in a sense. And I'm not traditionally the type to let even huge life changes bother me much.
If you have any type of psychotherapy background (which I do, despite having been a "Christian" counselor for all those years), I know it's common to dismiss your own problems because those things only happen to other people. Maybe that's why I'm reluctant to call it depression or seek outside help.
Honestly, I don't think it's so much internal as it is the consequences of external things. The memory loss causes so many depressing and frustrating things to happen. Case in point, after I started this thread, I got a voicemail from a friend of mine asking where I was this morning. Oh yeah! She got married at 10am and I was supposed to take pictures. So now I feel like even more of a douche - a thought ran through my mind that it was today, but before I could think to go check the calendar, I got distracted and never looked. How do you even begin to apologize for something like that? To blame it on meds sounds lame. This kind of shit keeps happening and it makes me want to just not interact with anyone who depends on me because I'm worried I'll do something stupid or let them down. My wife is terrified because I'm supposed to fly to LA at the end of the month to work on song demos. I'll be by myself and I honestly don't know if I'm capable of making the connecting flights and doing everything that needs to be done.
Again, I'm just venting here, so thanks for listening.
AR Master on 18/9/2009 at 21:52
if people can make meth out of shit they find in a garage then surely you can synthesize heart meds out of whatever's under your sink/expired medicine at the old folks home
BrokenArts on 18/9/2009 at 22:04
fett mang, I'm sorry honey.
Few thoughts, when did this start, or should I say, when did you really notice the symptoms getting worse. Is it when the home schooling started? I'm just tossing that out here. You need to take some time for you. Talk to your wife, I know you don't want to burden her. Not like she doesn't know what is going on, she wouldn't want to be left in the dark about this.
What about a second opinion......someday. I know you dread talking to the doctor again, if this persists, you will get to that point and need help, whether someone to talk to or get those med's straightened out. Lower dose perhaps? I'm just saying is all....
You know, we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves when it comes to posting about lifes *stuff*. We are a hard group in so many ways, smart, articulate. We are human, its what makes this board tick too. So, don't feel bad for posting this.
You will have to get help soon fett if this keeps going.
((((((((fett)))))))))
lol ar, you've got a point, if only it was that easy.
SubJeff on 18/9/2009 at 22:11
Its going to be okay fett. Get some help from you family doc. Just tell him what you've told us and hang in there, things will find themselves right way up.
