fett on 18/9/2009 at 18:23
Indulge me in a moment of self pity, and I'll forego the usual blah blah about how I know other people in the world have it worse than me. It's just that I don't want to burden my wife or kids with this bullshit, and am making gallant efforts to "take it like a man," but I guess I just feel safe venting here.
So you may remember the fiasco several months ago where my heart meds were recalled by the FDA and I had a nightmare of a time finding a replacement. For those who missed it, in summary, there is only one (yes, 1) medicine on the entire fucking planet that paces my heart correctly while dealing with a blood pressure that's so low, you'd swear this was an X-Files episode. Suffice to say, I don't find zombie humor amusing. My condition is already unique (250,000 people worldwide) and I am a unique snowflake among that number because of the bp issues. Can't get the generic med anymore, so I'm using the brand name. Same difference except that the two companies use a difference chemical for the time release, which is what's probably making me feel so shitty everyday that I sometimes wish I was dead.
The self-pity part is that life was great up until the FDA pulled this shit. Marriage was good, we were looking forward to homeschooling the kids - something we've wanted to do for years, wife just started her nursing career, etc. My last manuscript is being considered by a huge NY agency right now, and it's very possible I could be selling some of my songs (for the first time after 20 years of songwriting) in the next few months.
But I don't feel like doing anything. I'm either fatigued or depressed or something - it's got to be the medicine. All motivation to eat well, return e-mails, write, cook, or anything else productive is completely gone as of late. I'm sitting here eating Fritos for lunch - I haven't had a potato chip in probably 8 years. I'm starting to gain weight because this medicine has me so sick and tired I can't do the treadmill thing and eating protein makes the nausea worse. Don't feel like having sex, going anywhere, doing anything. I know it's partly psychological and the meds are doing something to my brain and hormones as well, but I just want my life back. The short term memory loss is the most frustrating. I've been to the store three times this week because even with a list, I can't find anything or I just decide the other stuff can wait (toilet paper and toothpaste can't wait, but I don't seem to figure that out until the next day). I leave my wallet and phone all over the place - tried to check out some books for my kid at the library today and realized I didn't have any ID on me. No big deal, except I cried like my mom had died all the way home. Why? I just can't seem to get my shit together - I feel scattered and disoriented all the time and there's not much I can do about it. I'm a fucking mess and I can't even blame it on drinking too much or having a miserable marriage. People would kill to have my life - I'm not rich, but I've got all those intangibles that are so hard to obtain, and usually come through sheer luck and good fortune.
I may try to get my doctor to change me to the non time-released stuff, which causes me more nausea and headaches, but maybe the memory loss and psychosomatic side-effects will be less. That's a whole big rigamarole of being admitted to the hospital for days on end for observation while they change me over - I don't even feel like making the phone call. I'm trying not to mope around and complain to my wife because she's working so hard and trying to pick up my slack - she doesn't need my bitching on top of it.
So, see? It's not the end of the world or anything, but I just wish I could snap out of it or make myself care about anything - I'm so lethargic right now I can't stand myself. Why at this point in my life, where there are so many good things on the horizon, am I so apathetic about everything? Is it just the medicine or is this some kind of weird, early mid-life crisis? I keep thinking it will go away, but it just gets worse everyday.
Vent vent vent vent vent. Deep breath. Feel free to call me a pussy or whatever. These are the kinds of threads I never reply to because I always think people should just shut up and get on with life. I've always been able to, but this is really persistent. If I've survived all the shit the world has thrown at me the last ten years, surely I will get past this.
I feel a little better being able to say all this here. Maybe I'm too chickenshit to say it to anyone's face or something. I respect so many of you guys on here for your intelligence, honesty, and compassion, and I hope I can post something like this without being taken for a giant tool (any more than I already am). Maybe it just helps to scream out to the rest of humanity that you feel like shit and don't think you can go on sometimes. Either way, there it is. Thanks for listening.
june gloom on 18/9/2009 at 18:32
Dude. I'm sorry to hear about that. I remember you telling us about the meds but I didn't realize they made you so sick. That fucking sucks, man. I'm sorry to hear it.
And I get your thing about e/n threads- it's why I rarely go into detail about my life or my disability here (or really, anywhere, because most people just use it as an excuse to belittle me, including people I thought were friends.) But you can count at least one TTLG dickbag on your side. :)
Hope you feel better.
YuSeF on 18/9/2009 at 18:42
Perhaps you should see a therapist if you feel depressed. Maybe it is the medicine and maybe it is not. It is a good idea to talk to someone who has some kind of psychological training and knows that they are talking about. Also as you stated you should talk to someone other than your wife or family because you don't put pressure on them. But you should let your wife know that things aren't perfect for you right now and that she needs to be patient and bare with you as you try to work it out. You need to let her know that you are not trying to put stress or pressure on her but you want her to understand your issues so she is not clueless about the situation. I am unsure if an internet forum can provide the help you are seeking.
Stitch on 18/9/2009 at 18:53
Quote Posted by fett
Don't feel like having sex
WE HAVE A MAN DOWN
Muzman on 18/9/2009 at 19:07
I'm not sure which way is worse; if it's the meds or not, because you sound properly clinically depressed. Like textbook crippling depression.
That you've noticed the change and/because it's so sudden seems like a good sign though. Changing the meds and the situation surrounding them sounds like the sort of experience that's liable to cause that for reasons chemical and psycholgical. With any luck it therefore won't stick around too long.
You definitely have to bring the missus in on this, if you haven't already. And the sooner the better. You might feel like you've burdened her with enough of your crap and this is just self pitying BS. But she's your best bet for dragging your arse out on walk to the park or two, for starters. I don't know if she's up to speed on this sort of thing, but even the most sensitive people can just get subconsciously worn down by it or even start to take it personally without even meaning to. You're obviously aware of it so that's a good start. If other people are it usually helps a hell of a lot.
Good luck anyways.
DaBeast on 18/9/2009 at 19:09
So, the FDA pulls your nice drug and you have to settle for something that really messes up your health?
Hmm, prolly a silly question, but have you had a look at a Canadian Pharmacy?
Enchantermon on 18/9/2009 at 19:26
I remember your meds thread, too. I'm sorry to hear about all this. I wish I had some answers for you. The best advice I can give is to just try to take each day as it comes.
Vivian on 18/9/2009 at 19:35
Well, that's shit. Maybe at least one visit to a councellor would be a good idea (but don't take antidepressants unless you REALLY have to, those things'll turn you into a cross between Gerard Way and Kanye West).
I'm not sure how much this would help, but whenever I get depressed I go stargazing. Nothing to give you some perspective like watching suns form in orion's groin.
Renzatic on 18/9/2009 at 19:36
I'm thinking that super rare heart medication is gonna be a strictly controlled substance. Doubly so since it's recently been nixed by the FDA. For that to happen, he'd have to find a doctor willing to write a prescription, then more than likely drive up to Canada himself to have it filled.
Still, it is an option. I remember the thread, Fett, but I don't remember the specific details exactly. You've probably already gone down this path, but if you haven't, importation might be worth looking into. The headaches, heartaches, and tons of red tape be damned, it'll be worth it if it makes you feel normal again.
AR Master on 18/9/2009 at 19:51
When I was in the middle of dealing with this brain tumour thing and the docs were waffling on whether to prescribe me anything or just wait 10 or 15 years and see how things played out I was like THIS CLOSE to ordering from an American "on line" pharmacy and forgo the red tape just because I couldn't take another week, day, hour of feeling like everything except myself
I never did because they gave me the script in the end but it's an option you might want to consider, if you can find an out of state/country/hemisphere practise that's willing to field your meds, take any opportunity you can get
