story time v2. - Lives and Times of Johnathan Mayersworth - by Yakoob
Yakoob on 8/3/2016 at 18:18
Hey guys, so a few of you posted your creative works getting awesome feedback so I figured I'd join the fray :) Without further ado:
Quote:
John woke up one day. It was a pretty nice day.
Now this is obviously still a work in progress so please be gentle, but I welcome all input! Particularly I'm wondering if I should elaborate on John's unsteady relationship with his mother that triggered whole mess, or instead spend the extra chapter talking about his gambling problems that led to the tension with his two kids and the whole "bear in a cabin" incident.
Thoughts?
Sulphur on 8/3/2016 at 19:02
I'd say that there's a nihilistic pathos inherent to the subject, and it's described with a bravura set of stylistic verbal frescoes, almost classically indulgent in execution. Having said that, elliptical stories generally tend to leave gaps in the narrative where they're supposed to imply or suggest, which generally works against the piece unless the tone is meant to leave the reader with existential discord, cognitively unmapping the fabric so as to achieve a projectionist's ideal of a tabula rasa, so to speak. Either way, intended or unintended, it's fascinating.
Chade on 8/3/2016 at 22:11
Honestly, I think it's a bit wordy. How about:
Quote:
John had a nice day.
Always try and resist the temptation to use two words when one will do.
rachel on 8/3/2016 at 22:42
John's continued optimism and his persistent view of the day as nice is a great counterpoint to the current zeitgeist, yet one can definitely consider the underlying tragedy emphasized by his use of the qualifier "pretty", signifying all too clearly to us that it is not and could never be the nicest of days he could ever have. The duality of emotion and the overwhelming internal storm raging in John's psyche is clearly intended as a message, dare I say a cry for help, from the author to his readers, a tragic reminder that appearances can be deceiving and we all wear a mask that's just a band-aid barely keeping our ego stitched together.
I'm blown away.
bjack on 8/3/2016 at 23:17
Will John wake up another day? What if that other day is not so nice? Maybe it is just nice and not pretty nice. Maybe it is a terrible day. Will a movie be made of John's day and will they make a reboot 30 years later with Jill instead of John? Does John also go by Jack? Did he break his crown on the pretty nice day? THAT WOULD SUCK! Good thread. I like it.
demagogue on 9/3/2016 at 06:14
I've read this story before, but this is how I remember it:
Quote:
John woke up one day to discover that he had the body of an insect. Aside from that it was a pretty nice day.
Pyrian on 9/3/2016 at 14:53
ITT: Yakoob gets more feedback for a one-line "story" than he got for Karaski. :cheeky:
nickie on 9/3/2016 at 18:26
Quote Posted by Chade
Honestly, I think it's a bit wordy. How about:
Quote:
John had a nice day.
How do we know John had a nice day? He's only just woken up.
Chade on 9/3/2016 at 22:35
Oh, great. Everyone's a critic. :rolleyes:
Chade on 9/3/2016 at 22:37
Honestly, I could have said "John woke to a nice day", but if you're going to blow up the word budget by 20% for a simple misunderstanding you might as well be writing War and Peace.
