scumble on 14/10/2017 at 10:14
Quote Posted by Vasquez
*hugs scumbly*
Stress always causes sleep problems for me, so the last few years have been quite on-and-off with the sleeping. Some might think "oh so what, so he drunk a bit" etc. but I've had certain issues all through my adult life that are rooted to my childhood with bout-drinking parent. It's weird how those emotions from the past can surge back in similar situations with such overwhelming force.
Probably if people haven't known an alcoholic, they're just thinking about people being drunk all the time. Most of the problem is the behaviour - with my former spouse it was hiding wine bottles, pretending the wine was mixed with water, hiding a cup full of wine in the wardrobe, tantrums when booze is denied. Don't know if that's all familiar, as you had it from a child's perspective. It's still suffering from a person's shitty behaviour when you can't get rid of them for one reason or another.
I think your emotions work on low-level circuits that you can't control, and without a great deal of self awareness you get carried along by it. For me it's been a long process of convincing myself that the shit I've experienced in life isn't all down to me. I've made mistakes and stupid decisions, but what's really brought me to the lowest state is chronic issues from life experience and rarely discovering anyone who can understand the experience.
If you talk to anyone who hasn't experienced a mood disorder they'll tell you to cheer up or go for a walk. But that's like putting a band-aid on stab wound. It's the same with chronic tiredness - the usual advice on getting a good sleep doesn't help because you aren't in any normal range of having had a slightly bad sleep. It seems like the internet is the only way to find people who understand - most people you're likely to encounter just avoid you if you keep talking about your problems and won't keep to the weather or your next holiday.
Yet still it would be helpful to know more people IRL who do genuinely understand how shit you're feeling and aren't just making a sympathetic noise and saying "I imagine it must be hard for you". Most people's sympathy only extends as far as their experience.
Bit of a tangent, just going into some things I've been thinking recently.
Tommyph1208 on 14/10/2017 at 20:38
Quote Posted by scumble
Welcome Tommy, you could be playing FMs solid for months and not run out - check the FM forum for recommendations.
Hey thanks, I have already been reading through some of the recommendations. Had some starting problems with graphics, but voodoo47 got me sorted out in a jiffy, like this forum already!
I was always most into the mansion, bank etc. missions of Thief, never cared much for horror, zombies burricks etc... I just grabbed a single mission to get set-up and ready... All Torc... Seems high rated, but don't know if its a good mission for getting into FMs
Tony_Tarantula on 15/10/2017 at 01:45
Maybe with some of those...
But I've tried medication before and it was a complete disaster. It just resulted in a gradually destabilizing mood until people started noticing, I got sent in for mandatory therapy, at which point I stopped taking the pills and things got better. Things never did start improving until I was able to get switched out of that job and I used the extra time in my schedule to reconnect with some old friends and build new relationships (including romantic) to replace ones I'd lost.
The only real cure for some of these issues is developing a strong support network. At this point I suspect that the huge epidemic of mental illness in America has to do with the almost complete breakdown of family structures and romantic relationships that means many people will never know what it's like to have people in your life who genuinely are invested in seeing you be happy and healthy. Without that emotionally safe outlet it doesn't take long for the pressure to build up and explode in an unhealthy way.
Peterson (A psychiatrist who has done lectures at U. Toronto and Harvard) has said as much in his practice. When it comes to treating mental illness it is rarely a simple as just identifying something wrong with the brain chemistry and the people suffering those mental illnesses are invariably facing an existential crisis.
Of course to some extent I think that happens to everyone. What matters is that you can either channel the blowup in a healthy way (over the years I've learned how to channel my rage into a fury at the gym that has to look fairly demented to an observer) or to recover quickly and function in society after the fact.
And VA:
Good luck with that. It can be rough since the family court system is massively stacked against the male parent in most instances (although there's no shortage of horror stories where they give males who are demonstrated psychopaths full custody). That said you shouldn't be blaming yourself. I'm sure you CAN find areas where you are at fault, but that simply isn't helpful to either your mental health or your legal case right now....because she sure as hell isn't going to admit any fault on her end and it sounds like she's going out of her way to drag your reputation through the mud.
montag on 28/10/2017 at 02:58
Respite Care Update. Greatest thing ever, this respite care! Finally got on a fixed schedule, Tues 2-5 and Fri 1:30-4:30. Went this afternoon for a good hike along a local creek, looking for fossils, then hit up my favorite used bookstore. Found a nice imprint of a trilobite, very clear and detailed. The bookstore, of course had to let me down, they used to sell the books I am interested in (sci-fi anthology's) at half the original price, but they have found a way to charge more now. They wrap them in plastic and call them "collectors books" and charge $5 for them. Oh well, such is modern life. When I returned home and asked my home-care aid how things had gone, she said everything had gone well, until she got up to use the restroom. In the couple minutes she was not eyes-on, the little monster had "leaked" (my term) out the garage door and started picking up leaves that had fallen on the driveway. OCD for the win! To make her feel better, I told her about yesterday. At dusk, I made sure the Pegster was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying her dinner. I went downstairs to throw in a load of laundry, secure in the knowledge that she was enjoying a healthy meal. Within 3 minutes, the phone rang. It was my neighbor (the one you all helped to get a new roof), she said "did you know your mother is out in your front yard, picking up leaves in the dark, and not dressed for the chilly weather?" That's my little bundle of OCD, all wrapped up in Alzheimers. Never a dull moment! Last couple of days, I have been messing around with pen and ink and watercolours, in honor of the Blade Runner thread, I'm working on a little piece I call "Do Elephants Dream of Electric Sheep?". If it turns out, I'll share it in the "What Have You Been Building" thread. Stay tuned.
VA, I can only parrot what T_T said, hang in there, and good luck to you.
Vasquez, first and foremost, take care of yourself. I just tried to write a long post about how you should try to get through what you are going through, but really it all boils down to take care of yourself. I'm sorry for what you are going through, I wish I had some sage advice for you but I don't. Stay strong, I know everyone here supports you, myself included.
Gotta run, little monster is stirring, otherwise I could have solved everyone's problems.
scumble on 28/10/2017 at 11:46
"Take care of yourself" is probably the best advice to repeat come to think of it. If you aren't functioning you aren't much good for anyone else. I repeat it to myself when thoughts try to tell me I'm being selfish etc.
Vasquez on 30/10/2017 at 18:27
Quote Posted by scumble
Most people's sympathy only extends as far as their experience.
I think that's natural in some way, it's impossible to really understand how something feels unless you've felt it yourself. I think most people still can acknowledge that the other person is feeling very bad, and empathise that. But somehow the consolation has more power coming from someone who has been through similar shit.
The worst are people who belittle, "oh that's not so bad, stop worrying!", which of course often is said with good intentions, but it just doesn't work...
And I think I know what you mean by feeling selfish, scumble, even though our situations are not similar. I've visited my dad only about once a week, because seeing him drains me of all energy, and at the same time I feel horrible for leaving an old man - my own father - all alone :( But I have to try and get my strength back, like you said, otherwise I'll be no good to anyone.
Thank you, montag, I'm trying to take care of myself. You do the same, ok? It's great you got those couple of hours a week for yourself, and I hope you'll get more, that still sounds awful little of free time from your 24/7 watch :(
Fortunately I got help, and now I even have a diagnosis, I'm Officially Crazy! Generalised anxiety disorder (as I feared) with slight OCD traits. But no depression, which is good. Since this is strongly situational, no mental meds, at least not yet. Instead I'll meet the psych nurse regularly and start a course of some kind of psychosomatic group therapy thingy, it's physical exercise to reduce somatization and learn to deal with the anxiety.
Today was good, I had my first Skype-meeting with a client and it went well, I felt really motivated and even enthusiastic, and wrote the 1.draft already! And I took my friend's dog for a long walk in the woods :)
scumble on 31/10/2017 at 08:47
Quote Posted by Vasquez
Fortunately I got help, and now I even have a diagnosis, I'm Officially Crazy!
I think we already knew that :D but some sort of diagnosis puts you an a path for treatment. It's not your fault that you react this way. It's an achievement for you to see your dad once a week I think. It's weird that you can feel selfish when you give up a lot of energy. I've done a lot of measuring myself by some silly standard because I think others are so much better at coping than I am, apparently. The trouble is that you don't compare yourself to people who are doing worse or those who actually are awful because they don't care.
I listened to a talk on depression where a psychiatrist said that depression happens to strong people breaking because they care. People who don't care are just lazy and don't get depressed. I forget to remind myself of that, it's only possible to get depressed if you have an inner ambition to improve things. Similar for anxiety or anything that ends up affecting your life. Also "invisible" illnesses that look like behaviour you can control mean that if you have no diagnosis or explanation you will assume you're doing something wrong and others might assume you won't "pull yourself together" or "snap out of it" if they're feeling a bit impatient.
I'm currently finding my interest in IRL interaction with people is close to zero. I'm trying not to attack myself for wanting to stay at home gaming for the whole winter. It always seems like I've got some monkey brain wiring for being social and it pops up when rationally I've got no interest beyond children and family. The effort isn't worth it beyond that point for me.
Kolya on 1/11/2017 at 19:08
We lost 4 Space Marines to the C.A.T. in the northern sector. The Emperor did not foresee this.
Inline Image:
http://i.imgur.com/BPL5E3a.jpgnickie on 1/11/2017 at 19:55
Is the cat available for adoption?
I was hoping to report that I'd be able to apply for the No 1 (this year) passport in the desirable passports list but unfortunately my parents let me down - neither of them are Singaporean. I've never like being British and was really excited to think I could be something else instead.
Quote Posted by scumble
I'm currently finding my interest in IRL interaction with people is close to zero. I'm trying not to attack myself for wanting to stay at home gaming for the whole winter. It always seems like I've got some monkey brain wiring for being social and it pops up when rationally I've got no interest beyond children and family. The effort isn't worth it beyond that point for me.
Have you ever considered that RL people are just a pain in the ass and not wanting to interact is a perfectly legitimate way of protecting yourself from the assholes that appear to be so prevalent at the moment?
Kolya on 1/11/2017 at 22:33
This ole cat's pretty happy where she is, right now on a cushion next to the heating. Thanks for asking though. :)
Why do you want a Singaporean passport? And what's so bad about being British? I mean, besides the obvious.
