Vasquez on 5/10/2017 at 13:54

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Blah you. I didn't mean that, but I've met many, many people who are appallingly clueless that having and raising children is very hard work on everyday level, some couples therapist has called the first baby "a hand grenade thrown into a marriage", and it can seriously drain the parents even when things are otherwise okay. Of course it can be also very rewarding, if you really wanted to have them.

scumble on 7/10/2017 at 09:57

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Maybe Vas and I were both reacting to the implied "planning to have kids when you're in a bad mental state" implication.

I have direct experience of the situation where I went along with kids because my partner was talking about "filling a gap". I was not aware enough myself at the time to see this as a bad thing. It was actually one of a long line of compromises where I was hoping she would somehow pull things together. Nothing works unless the root problem is dealt with - underlying mental health issues.

As far as I can tell from what you've said icemann, your relationship probably has a stronger basis than mine. It would just suck to have it go bad from kids coming in at the wrong time.

The more I think about it, my experience has probably been quite negative, and I haven't had anything like a sensible relationship, certainly not an emotionally healthy one. I sacrificed too much because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, and rarely talked to anyone else about what was going on. Partly autism and partly my "partner" (you see I can barely stand to refer to her as an ex-spose) convincing me that I wasn't allowed to talk about stuff without checking with her first...

The list goes on, and it would probably get a bit boring if I went on. I suppose the main point is that I had a fucked up idea of what a relationship was supposed to be, and my will was pretty weak, so I'm not a typical example. I guess a good example of how bad it is to go into what you think is a "relationship" when you aren't in a good place.

So enough of that, I'm pretty bored of going over it in my own head. I'm getting to the point where I can accept that being autistic and having kids to support means letting go ideas of having some sort of relationship. My attempt at having a typical marriage and family went wrong and I just have to carry on from here.

I sometimes feel like part of me is picking up from where I was at 20, while the 40 year old me is trying to do the adult things related to caring for children.

icemann on 7/10/2017 at 14:35

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Firstly the plan for kids is in like 2 years. We are NOT EVEN CLOSE financially to be able to afford another person living with us. Hell, even just supporting ourselves is going to be really hard when work dries up in a month. I don't think she's trying to fill a void. She's wanted kids at some point in the future ever since I first met her, long before the mental issues comes along. That said I'm not expert on mental stuff. I've had past ex's with mental issues (anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, the works), and helped those ones through those. And I've experienced depression and anxiety myself. In my case though, I just pushed it to the back of my mind and did my best to blank it out like white noise + treated it like the bullies back in my high school days. They may try to beat you down, but you never let them win. That's my inner fire. But yeah, my personal experience is only that.

I will say though, that one of those ex's (the agoraphobia one), had kids (not from me). And I've seen firsthand the nightmare that can go on. Then you have government agencies taking the kids away, the kids then going on to get messed up mentally from the experience etc etc. Goes round and round.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it earlier, but when she (my fiance) had the breakdown, she called me a few days prior. I was getting ready for work (in tech support at the time). She said to me that either I dropped everything (as in quit my job) or she'd not be there when I got home from work. As in, off herself. I had no choice in the situation so quit my job. At the time I was saving up for the mortgage. She was the reason I was even working to get the mortgage, so wasn't exactly a situation where you have much degree for choice. 2 days later she had the breakdown. I went in every day for about 6 hours to try and help her through it. Her sister setup a roster of sorts, for a different person to see her each day not long after. It's so mentally draining. I just recall being so tired. Seeing the person you love most, talking complete crazy talk for hours on end, and trying to find ways to snap them out of it for even a moment. I do not miss those days. Not one bit.

But she fought to get herself back together mentally. Most people (according to the internet) take 6 months - 2 years to find themselves again. She was back in a bit over a month. Was quite proud of her. She'll never be the person she was prior to it all again, but you make do, and deal with the dice rolls that life throws at you. Her being a Somali Muslim and me being a white Aussie catholic, it wasn't until the middle of all that I met her parents for the first time (we'd been together for about 5 or 6 years by that point I think). That had played into it all partially. The fear of the parents reaction. Us preparing to announce the relationship to them. Her fear of her parents reaction to me + me refusing to convert (I'm not religious AT ALL, but at the same time I feel the right to be myself and never have to change just to fit inside someone else's square, so to speak).

And I meant to type a sentence, and yet I've typed a page again. Grrr.

ANYWAYS. What I was replying to say was that she reacts exactly the same as your ex, in that she HATES IT when I tell my family about anything personal to do with her. She wants to keep everything all private. Her family and mine are VERY different on this aspect. In hers none of her siblings tell the others of major stuff going on in their lives. Just what's needed. Compare that to my family, where we tell each other everything. Family is what gets you through the dark times. I've been through my own years ago (long story which I'll likely never go into as I never tell anyone new about it), and family is what got me through that. Not my friends. Family. So you keep them in the loop and they support you, then vice versa etc etc. That's family to me. The fiance though. Man she COMPLETELY LOSES the plot whenever she finds out about me telling stuff. I keep on doing it anyway. But that's how it is.

icemann on 7/10/2017 at 15:09

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Too true. I've had friends with quite bad families. I first hand was witness to a large fist fight between my former best friend and his father. Things have never gone down like that in my family.

Vasquez on 7/10/2017 at 19:09

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An afterthought - changing your religion, especially since you're not religious, would be 1000x less fundamental change in your life than having a kid only/mostly because she wants them. Just curious, why do you yield on the huge thing but not the small thing?