hedonicflux~~ on 1/5/2018 at 01:02

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Hi again it's me.

So fresh out of (well not really out of yet) my fifth and worst episode of long-term severe depression, following homelessness during a harsh winter '16-'17, being brutally attacked (whacked on the head with a hard stick, two big lacerations to the head, double vision and intense headaches for a month), car getting totalled while parked, having another laptop stolen, having no money to fix any of my problems, and to top it off my OCD becoming so severe as a result of bad fate that for a few months not a minute of my life wasn't inescapable agony (and I'm not even done, but this sentence is getting too long), I thought I'd come back to ol' TTLG and say some things (https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2018/feb/27/arctic-warming-scientists-alarmed-by-crazy-temperature-rises) while (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmL4t8TclGU) I (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZHfefCGhQ0) still (https://www.reddit.com/r/collapse/) can. Since nothing is a mystery anymore, I think now is an appropriate time to release a load onto you guys regarding who/what I am, how I've changed, what I've learned, what's wrong with this picture, why we're fucked, why I feel oddly validated by that fact, and other short stories.

But first

I want to say that it's my genuine opinion that I've been a blissed-out dumbass in most of my time here. No news to anyone else I'm sure. But no regrets here. The culprit is a dissociative psychoactive, DXM, which until recently I've relied on to not be crushingly depressed under the weight of this god-awful society. In my sober state, I have an abnormal amount of empathy (not to mention intelligence), and it makes it--lemme make an understatement--difficult to live in a society with an abject and increasing lack of both. DXM decreases my empathy, and while it doesn't necessarily make me less smart, it makes me stupid by way of filling my head with unnatural optimism and hope (hope in theoretical and unrelatable nonsense, the only kind of hope I can manage to find convincing). I've also been learning painfully how well DXM was curing my OCD. But I had to stop. DXM turns me into a maniac, and after the fifth stint with taking a wrecking ball to my life by doing some impulsive shit and subsequently spending a year and a half in even worse depression than the last time, I've finally "learned my lesson".

And the OCD is horrific and here to stay now...

I've gone clear off the edge countless times trying to find meaning in this meaningless new world. I'm talking radical visions of obscure masochistic utopias. I'm talking convincing myself that I can become God and save the world single-handedly by experiencing every torture known to man. I'm talking dancing around erratically in panties. (Please don't post the gifs here. There are more appropriate places, such as on your wall.) We live in market hegemony, and yet to my misfortune, I have a mind that can't possibly assimilate even if my life depends on it. While I'm a uniquely imaginative and compassionate person, I'm also a freakish by-product of this batshit culture I was born into--and that's a lethal combination. Postmodern post-reality post-meaning mass-consumerist for-profit hegemony overwhelmingly generates post-human zombie cockroaches who eat up whatever filth the market throws in front of them, dread thinking more than death, and ecstatically work three jobs doing nothing socially valuable because keeping themselves busy distracts them from the dreadful emptiness which has become human life. But it also creates a few freak anomalies--like myself--who find this state so intolerable that we will hurt ourselves looking for an alternative.

I've had quite a ride coming to terms with knowing I'll never be able to realize my artistic visions. The laptop I used to make them comes from a Chinese sweat shop with suicide prevention nets hanging outside the windows. Ain't that nice? I always thought artists were heros because it was only they who made my life even remotely bearable. Now I realize that everything is just a meaningless clusterfuck of carnage. I have zero interest in involving myself in a world like the one we've created, of predator-prey survivalism for the many and privleged "meaningness" for the few. I don't come to terms with it before sending myself into spastic loops of hedonia and anhedonia just trying to find SOMETHING. I don't come to terms with it before it teaches me the most painful lessons it has to offer. I do hope I'm making some sense of who/what/where/when/why I am and what elicits my past behavior here (besides just drugs).

If I stick around from here on, I think I'll strike some as a different person. I'm extremely realistically pessimistic in my baseline sober state--painfully so, which accounts for my drug-addictive past. It's been incredibly painful to cope with the fact that, due to social conditions, I'll never see any of my artistic visions come to fruition. FORTUNATELY, THIS PLANET WILL BE UNINHABITABLE IN A FEW DECADES ANYWAY. Humanity has become a cancer. We're slaves to an imminently-catastrophic economic model, producing in hideous excess for absolutely no socially-useful reason just so we can barely pay rent. Earth is running out of resources, and 90% of all profit generated is going to the super-rich. What this essentially means is that we're not only living in a massive ponzi scheme, we're also giving our energy and our lives to help ensure that the super-rich can buy protection from the apocalypse and maybe escape to Mars while WE ALL DIE FROM THE DESTRUCTION CAUSED BY OUR OWN SLAVE LABOR. We have ourselves, consumers and voters (mainly the boomer generation) to blame for this. The thoughtless and gluttonous culture of the masses has not only ruined everything for the imaginative and frugal, but appropriately, it has ruined everything for itself. Kill off the best of us and you kill off the rest.

A close friend of mine recently died, I suspect suicide. She was a smart artist who was, like me, completely alienated from this gluttonously empty and self-annihilating culture called America and as such was punished, and in the end killed off, for her failure to assimilate into a mindless zombiewhore. I've had to let go of the world in light of this and everything else. Humanity is systematically erasing its best qualities because people want money, pizza, and Game of Thrones. Not gonna miss us.

Hi everyone hi TTLG, hope you're doing well.

hedonicflux~~ on 1/5/2018 at 01:53

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Ahahahahahah!

Everyone I've talked to about it says this



and funny thing is, I don't recall any such thing. We're not talking about Y2K bugs and 2012 prophecies here. But I'm not going to sit here and explain the nature of the climate situation to the ignorant, at least not right now. If you don't know that the future is a lot more dire than even scientists have previously anticipated, you haven't been paying attention to it at all. Look at all the scientific data coming out currently. But don't; it's terrifying.

Trance on 1/5/2018 at 02:10

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If you've ever been curious as to why people react to you the way they do, there's a lesson to be learned in this little nugget here. Condescending dismissal of people rarely goes down well with them.

If you want people to converse with you, and not just write you off as an aggressive weirdo to give a wide berth, you've got to tone yourself down a few notches.

hedonicflux~~ on 1/5/2018 at 03:02

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Fine, do that then. Not stopping you. I personally can't because a bearable life to me means being able to create time-consuming art and having a future generation to pass it onto, and for that matter, having something resemblant of a free society where those who can appreciate my art aren't having their souls sucked by the consumer capitalist whore. And that was kinda supposed to be the main takeaway from the post anyway: not climate apocalypse, but how humans have created such a disgustingly perverse society that I really wouldn't mind climate apocalypse.

Sulphur on 1/5/2018 at 06:33

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[video=youtube;zH3w2HPLaWI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH3w2HPLaWI[/video]