Tocky on 14/6/2008 at 04:42

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You have to believe in logic. Otherwise you are insane. That is the way it is. Period. Things have an understandable causation. When you hear something hit the floor with a bang you go look and discover the glue has come loose from a fridge magnet. You find it and put two and two together. Fix the damn thing.

So why did I not go look when the limbs broke? Sure there was a lot of brush and I did not have a flashlight but that's just an excuse. I was a pussy. There is a price to be paid for that. A tiny niggling doubt. Now I can never be completely comfortable alone in the deep backwoods at night. I always was before. I'm country. I'm part of the land as much as any animal. It could have been a wild boar and mauled me but that would be better. A cool scar. A story.

I suppose it was the deliberate nature of it that threw me. I've told the story. I love stories. I love the hearing and the telling. As such I don't truely blame people for not believing mine sometimes although I've told true everytime and much I've held back. It has been a strange life but that's always been fine with me. That keeps it interesting. Normally I fear boredom more than anything. I have dropped a child molester on his head. I have nearly turned over a cottonpicker by it's forks. I have faced angry young men and angry old ladies with guns. Things I've told you. That's fine. Good times. But I must be getting old and that's just damn sad.

Things accumulate. Things I don't tell because they don't fit rational. Just a few. Just enough to stop me going into the dark. There was the girl who came to a small party at a friends house and claimed she had been cursed by a woman for messing around with her husband. Right. But she was certain. Doubled in pain certain. She hurt so bad. We all smoked a bit. Then the pain eased and color came back to her face. All attention was focused on her.

The pain came back. It looked so bad. I felt so sorry for her I thought I would take the pain for her. That was all it took. It came. It settled in my guts like constipation. It drained me clammy. Then it twisted and tore at my insides for such an unbarable eternity I thought cowardly and gave it back. She had been eased but soon was as I had felt, had horribly tasted a moment of, again. Tortured by unimaginable pain. I can't explain how awful it was.

Shortly after she eased again saying how much better she felt. I looked around and knew. Frank was white as a sheet and concentrating. I knew. I knew that feeling. But you can't believe. You can't even knowing the fearsom pain you just felt. There are no gaps in logic. Some hypnosis. Something. You just can't because the whole world breaks at that point right? You stay silent.

The pain came back to her. He held out so much longer than me that I was shamed even as I told myself it was my imagination. Later, outside, the old core of buddies had gathered and discussed her pain. Kevin admitted he had pitied and thought to take her pain but couldn't. Too much. That was the first ease I thought. Frank admitted his that I already knew. I didn't. I couldn't. And not just because of the me too factor. You just can't allow yourself to believe that shit. Some wicked hypnosis. Drunk high shit. That's all. I wonder do they ever think on it. Likely not.

That's one that bothers me. Not all the time. Rarely in fact. Scary shit though. Enough that when the thousands of maniacly whistling whipoorwills stopped once I had reached the top of the rise at deep dusk, twenty years later even, the neck hair rose. When I fought the feeling and set the brush pile on fire staring lost in thought as only a fire can make you and heard that first impossible pop and groan of breaking limb, the kind only a big live limb makes I knew I would have to forget it. Explainable. The second, three, five minutes later, was impossible so forget that too. The circle it made around me doing that maybe twelve or thirteen times would have to be joked away. Kidded into submission. Some animal. So deliberate though.

Pitch beyond the fire. Nada as if the world ended there. I told myself I'm an adult and waited the long long time till the fire died. I cleared a fire lane and tossed dirt on the coals. Ha I would show the cruel jokers. Bastards. Those brothers that lived a couple miles away maybe. I never uttered a word the whole time. Not a who goes there or wassat. I walked (mostly) back to the truck about a half mile away. Brave. Sane. Show them.

I never went into the dark to check. I'll never know for certain. I'LL NEVER KNOW NOW. Sometimes it bothers me. Wife has gone to pick up the grandson in Ohio and just me here now. Maybe I'll drive out to-walk into the woods and shake my fist. Motherfuckers. But crap what would I say? YOU MAKE ME QUESTION REALITY EAT ME BASTARD! I mean really. Silly shit. Not drunk enough yet.

Somebody entertain me with a story. Any real story. Sweet, awful, funny, mundane, just real and how you feel about stuff.

Well hell. Nobody home I guess.

Thief13x on 14/6/2008 at 06:42

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you talk like we are in control of our minds and that our minds are not in control of us. You try to equate logic and sanity all the while the subconscious knows neither. Your subconscience may take you places your conscience can't even detect, and it can bring you back all without notice from the conscience faster than I can snap my fingers. It's all about how much control you have over your mind. The insane? not much

Vivian on 14/6/2008 at 10:42

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How the fuck do 'you' and 'your mind' seperate at any point

Starrfall on 14/6/2008 at 17:20

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Just because the world is ridiculous doesn't mean we're not ok.

Chuck on 14/6/2008 at 18:24

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Links? Tiger Woods? Hotshot Golf? C'mon man, be a bit more specific.