fett on 19/3/2016 at 06:08

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No shit.

I know most of my posts are about my health issues lately but I'm living here in the hospital waiting for a heart and it's kind of the biggest thing in my world atm. I'm really ready to get past this.

So yesterday I'm hanging out with my kids and the "fault alarm" on my portable driver goes off. This is the "oh fuck me I'm about to die" alarm that freaks out when the tubes that feed the actual internal device are damaged or the driver itself is failing for some reason. In most cases, I would have someone switch me over to a backup driver. This involves actually disconnecting the tubes from the internal device and quickly connecting them to a new set attached to a functioning driver. So the device - my heart - actually stops working for the 2-3 seconds it takes for the switchout.

So this alarm goes off and the heart stopped beating for about 3 seconds. The alarm stopped but I almost passed out. They've had to switch me back to the larger, non-portable machine (there's more detailed info on the readout), but nothing was wrong - not with either machine. Meanwhile I felt like I was having a full blown heart attack and it just started to subside this morning. They think maybe it was a combination of dehydration and lack of sleep.

This is following a mini-stroke that I had last Friday where despite no permanent damage, I lost about 8 hours - like amnesia.

All that to say that both times I experienced that fight or flight thing and really thought I was punching my ticket. While I've made dozens of videos for my wife and kids on flash drives (in case I buy it) and feel like I have my Affairs In Order, I don't think there's any real way to prepare for That Moment that brings any peace. Shit was scary and though I didn't panic, I was freaking out mentally trying to be content in case that was it.

No real point here other than to say you never know when it's going to happen so keep your crap in order. I guess it's the best you can do to assure some measure of closure when/if you see it coming. It's weird how the human brain can just readjust and convince itself that it won't happen once the danger and panic passes. I went on with normal life today and not much lingering fear. Which is why people put off getting everything prepared just in case. I never thought I'd be in a situation like this but it's happening a lot lately. I wonder what kind of residual stress and anxiety might be building in the background. Hopefully I'm processing it as I go but how objective can a person be about that, really?

demagogue on 19/3/2016 at 11:38

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Well I can't get anything in order for life, I can't even imagine getting to the part where I have to get something in order for death, I mean there's nothing really there to order.

But I feel good with the time & effort I've spent getting to know myself and my purpose and the best world view, even though the rest of the world doesn't care, but the rest of the world is apparently full of asshole trolls that can fall into a bag of dicks and don't deserve an explanation anyway, with a few shining exceptions like yourselves.

Anyway, that's what I'd chalk up as the most important thing in life, really spending time asking deep questions and figuring yourself and the world out as best you can, and taking the time to enjoy living, and if you've done that then you've done right by life IMO and should feel good with a life well lived when your card gets clocked out.

I only find it unfortunate that the world doesn't reward good living particularly well, and the things the world does reward aren't very conducive to good living. But my attitude to that is meh, too bad, it's still better to try to live well.

Edit. Of course, all my sympathies to your plight & I'm happy you're keeping on keeping on and hope you get some real rest and peace of mind asap. I'm not good at handling tough situations, well even easy situations, so I couldn't give any good advice other than what I gave above. If something even happened to you I definitely wouldn't take that well either, even as a distant internet buddy (not important anyway compared to your family & loved ones, I'm just giving my own feelings to the topic). My instinct is always to want to save the world within my power and stories like yours humble me by the limits of what humans can do against the great forces of nature and fate, but the fact you're still kicking is also its own testament to how far humans have come in putting up a damn scrappy fight against them anyway.

Tocky on 19/3/2016 at 18:45

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They have you on blood thinners right? What you describe sounds like clots breaking loose. Shit. Maybe it's over. Have they made any adjustments in the thinners? I know they are excellent doctors. All we can do is hope and that's a pretty thin soup to live on. I don't wish anyone ill but if they are going to die and leave a heart I wish they would do it a tad damn quicker.

Ray Bradbury's last book had a passage I found insightful. Farewell Summer it was called. "Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You've got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it. It's like boats. You keep your motor on so you can steer with the current. And when you hear the sound of the waterfall coming nearer and nearer, tidy up the boat, put on your best tie and hat, and smoke a cigar right up to the moment you go over. That's a triumph. Don't argue with the cataract." That too is a thin soup when facing the reaper I know. Your boat is pretty tidy though and if you do make the falls you will have have a lot of folks wishing you hadn't. You won't be truely be gone as long as we remember and we will.

Damn it somebody with a good heart die already.

derfy on 20/3/2016 at 11:58

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I'm an organ donor so if I kick it for some reason, fett can have mine. Just ask for derfy's heart.

<3 fett.

SubJeff on 20/3/2016 at 21:22

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Good luck with everything fett.