Aja on 4/7/2011 at 06:43
They gave him the award, they actually gave it to him, and as he ascended the steps on the side of the stage he whispered—almost hysterically—to the presenter, Why did I win this? What did I even do to deserve this? The presenter pressed his lips into a hard smile that said just accept it but the audience was watching so nothing was actually spoken, only smiled. The award was genuine; someone had inexplicably chosen him as the ideal recipient. Afterwards he sat with audience again, holding his award against his chest and looking guiltily around him. He knew, and they probably knew too. But his ingratitude wholly overshadowed any question of worthiness, and as he stirred anxiously in his seat, even the audience could feel the weight of his mistake.
Aja on 4/7/2011 at 06:45
...and suddenly the audience starts laughing, you're holding the leg,
you were fucking a false leg! It was a prank, you didn't realize, and
now she's laughing at you and the audience is too.
st.patrick on 4/7/2011 at 11:28
The world is nothing but a straight road. Focus on the horizon. Start the engine. Rev it a few times. Put the car in gear. Listen to your heartbeat, it will guide you.
Floor it.
demagogue on 4/7/2011 at 19:09
A recent Facebook conversation:
Andrew: After years of being a dedicated vegetarian, I have decided to return to the carnivore fold by eating a baby panda bear.
Sarah: A baby panda bear?? Are you serious?
Andrew: While its mother is watching...
Sarah: Now you're going over the line. What about the animals' feelings?
demagogue: If it were up to me, I'd attract a pregnant panda bear with some sweetened bamboo juice then cut the fetus out of her stomach, fuck the mother panda hard using the panda fetus as a condom, cum into the panda fetus's guts, then pull the whole messy fetus concoction out, put it in a blender, liquify it, pour it over the shell-shocked panda mother's face and down her gaping mouth bukkake style, then lick & eat it off her face looking intently into her watching eyes.
And then, on one side of the room, a small door suddenly opens with a burst of great light streaming in, and a droning noise begins as from a David Lynch movie. A dwarfed man walks slowly out of the light into the room, wearing a tuxedo, top hat, and cane to help with his walking. The lights in the room grow dim and a spotlight turns on, following the small man as he walks towards us, with the striking of the cane and his footsteps on the wooden floor echoing loudly with enhanced reverb, as me and the panda watch him. When he arrives, he turns towards the audience and says two words with a ring-leader's flair: "The Aristocrats". And then he turns around and walks slowly back through the door, it magically closing behind him, as me and the panda follow him with our eyes in stunned silence. And then the curtains close.
Sarah: ...
nicked on 5/7/2011 at 17:48
Best. Aristocrats joke. Ever.
demagogue on 14/7/2011 at 03:48
A friend of mine had to go to the doctor's office yesterday.
He had severely burned both his ears.
The first thing the doctor asked was "How did your ears get burned like that?"
My friend answered, "Well I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang. I just instinctively put the iron to my ear before thinking about it..."
"I see... So then how did you burn your other ear?"
"Well the stupid guy called back."
=V
Tocky on 14/7/2011 at 04:24
Jon was so embarassed. It was his first day as a roofer but roughly half the tacks had the head on the wrong end so he was thorwing them away. When his boss found out he was furious and called him an idiot for throwing away tacks for the other side of the house. He wanted to write it down so he would never forget but the only pencil he owned had the eraser on the wrong end. Fortunately he had enough bullets with the lead on the right end to kill everyone on the work crew.
gunsmoke on 14/7/2011 at 04:58
Quote Posted by nicked
I awoke to pain and cold. She was long gone, but the hurt she had left throbbed in my head and my side. I blinked my eyes open in the ice-filled bath and wished I had had a kidney to spare.
<3
demagogue on 14/7/2011 at 14:16
By the way, true story, I was one of the recipients of the original kidney-theft email by Kimm Antell that became the source for one viral version of it... Not the original, original, but the version that got morphed into the urban legend canon, the "college student" branch of it anyway.
As evidence I offer you:
(
http://i51.tinypic.com/2dkk9y8.jpg) My Facebook front page with Kimm Antell at the top
We were both acting in a play together at UTexas, 1995-1999.That's how we became friends.
Edit: I can do better than that pic. (
http://i55.tinypic.com/2vsj81k.jpg) Here is a cast picture from November 1996 (Madrigral always happens around Thanksgiving), just a month after the fateful email in October... and I've circled the 1996, and our names at the bottom.
And
The (
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/robbery/kidney2.asp) Snopes article on it, the part in bold being the email I got.
Quote Posted by Snopes
Perhaps it was this very dearth of authoritative-sounding window dressing which prompted the next phase in this particular piece of scarelore's development. What a good story lacks can always be added by somebody, and that is indeed just what happened. In October 1996, Kimm Antell, a woman working as an administrative assistant for the University of Texas at Austin's mechanical engineering department, received the e-mail quoted above. Not at the time thinking to doubt it,
she forwarded it to her friends, her only contribution to the missive being the attachment of her standard signature block to the bottom of it.
Within a matter of weeks, a more authoritative version of this e-mail was on the loose. Kimm's signature block was now a fixture of the standard mailing, but now she was identified as the editor of the University of Texas at Austin's Daily Texan, not as an administrative assistant in Mechanical Engineering. The following details also appeared to complete the ending:
Regardless, he is currently in the hospital on life support, awaiting a spare kidney. The University of Texas in conjunction with Baylor University Medical Center is conducting tissue research to match the sophomore student with a donor.
A previously wishy-washy e-mail had thus been magically transformed into something authoritative and thus much more likely to be taken seriously. What with an editor of a named newspaper making the announcement, it now looked like a press release or a news story, and the invocation of such recognizable names such as Baylor and the Texas Rangers added further credibility.
By January 1997, Kimm had received about 400 calls, 200 e-mails, and 25 faxes about this "article" she'd run in the Daily Texan, including inquiries from Inside Edition, Headline News, NBC, and two radio stations. She was also interviewed on an Australian radio program.
[...]
To this day, that apocryphal Daily Texan article continues to circulate on the Internet and is forwarded in private e-mail. Without at all wanting to be there, Kimm Antell has become worked into the fabric of netlore.
Ah, when Internet was still young...
nicked on 18/7/2011 at 07:59
The squirming discomfort in his stomach suddenly morphed into a brief stabbing pain. He hurriedly excused himself and ran into the house. He started to close the patio door behind him, but abandoned it as the urgency of his situation became apparent. He half-ran, half-waddled up the stairs to the bathroom. Throwing the door shut behind him, he tugged at his trousers and yanked them down over his hips without even undoing his belt. He pulled up his "Kiss the Cook" apron as high as he could. The relief was immense as he sat and his bowels opened like a pregnant stormcloud unleashing a seasonal torrent. The lactic acid stab in his gut continued. The stench now emanating from beneath his legs was anything but healthy. It must have been the burger. He'd thought it seemed a bit undercooked. But he'd cooked it for as long as any of the others. Everyone else at the barbecue was fine. It was then that the sound of screams and retching reached his ears from the garden outside. Sweat beaded on his brow. He leaned forward, and pushed the door latch shut.
