Minion21g on 4/10/2010 at 20:30
Any chance you could be gay duckman? Just sayin'
Chade on 4/10/2010 at 22:50
Quote Posted by fett
I also share the concern duckman expresses when it comes to my own boys. I want them to find someone from a functional family - who has the same baseline as they do. It makes for a happier marriage and will make me a happier grandfather. Even at Rich's age (9) I'm amazed at how many girls in his peer group are already obsessed with their image, having boyfriends, etc.
It may well make you a happier grandfather, but the only thing that will make you son happy is to find someone that he loves. I certainly hope you are not teaching him to label divorced households as "dysfunctional".
As we're trading anecdotes, I come from one of the most stable family environments imaginable. Not one member of my extended family has been divorced, and as far as I am aware, most of them are in their first relationship.
I married my first love when I was 23: I didn't plan to avoid casual relationships, that was just the way things worked out given how long it took me to become (relatively) comfortable socially. My wife moved on average more then once a year for the first 18 years of her life, has never known her father, and has siblings to two different dads. I don't think it's appropriate to go into any greater detail, but yes, the experience has left her with many emotional sore points.
My childhood was very easy, and in the past I have struggled to find motivation to put 100% into life (hell, achieving 50% would have been nice :p). I am constantly inspired by the energy and dedication my wife has put into overcoming the issues from her past and moving forward in a positive manner. Watching her has changed who I am, and turned me into a happier and more fulfilled man.
And yes, sometimes our different baselines clash. So what? I benefit enormously from my wife challenging my often snobby assumptions. We help each other become better people.
Living outside your box will make you a better person.
fett on 4/10/2010 at 23:36
Quote Posted by Chade
It may well make you a happier grandfather, but the only thing that will make you son happy is to find someone that he loves. I certainly hope you are not teaching him to label divorced households as "dysfunctional".
Not at all. I'm more concerned with the person's attitude toward marriage - do they view it as a decision to love someone, or is their view of marriage based on convenience and fleeting emotional notions of love? I am 100% convinced that although love may start as a strong emotion, it eventually has to become a decision to love - that's where the "for better or worse, in sickness and health" comes in. I can say in 22 years of my relationship (3 dating, 18 married) there have been stretches of time when I didn't "feel" like I "loved" my wife, nevertheless I stayed with her because I told her I would. The emotions return very often as well, but in the end, our relationship is based on the promise we made to share our lives together, not on whether or not we felt like it at any given moment. It's a very "long-view" perspective that most successfully married people can relate to. The short-view perspective treats marriage as a combination of convenience, emotion, passing events, outside influences, etc. There's a big difference in coming from divorced parents who jumped from one partner to another on a whim, and divorced parents who divorced for legitimate reasons (i.e. they weren't happy, one spouse was abusive, different goals, etc.). Children who come from divorced homes usually develop an independent view of divorce and marriage - but some don't, they simply adopt the casual view of marriage that they saw in their parents. So if my kids dated someone from a divorced household, I wouldn't necessarily be concerned, unless the girl had a very flippant and disposable view of marriage.
That said, some of the healthiest people I know came from divorced households, and they're healthy in large part because the household was peaceful and supportive rather than in constant turmoil due to miserable parents. The larger issue as it pertains to duckman's prospects is: does this potential spouse need a father figure because her dad was an asshole or simply not around? Does she have no idea how to be a partner in the marriage because her mother was checked out her whole life or hated the father? These situations exist in married families, but I would imagine that's the deeper issue he's addressing here (correct me if I'm wrong, duckman) and I'd echo what some others have said - judge the person not the family. However, when you marry, you usually marry the family as well - you're going to spend time with them, your kids are going to spend time with them, and you've got to decide if these are the kind of people you want to be stuck with for life (or if they're assholes, will your wife insist on living next door to them, or is she willing to move to Portugal?).
Hmmm...where to meet women? I have no clue. I met my wife in high school, and all my women friends are part of my homeschool community. Do things you're interested in, outside away from the internet, and you'll likely find women with whom you have things in common. Someone else could probably better address that than me. If you're just looking for sex, definitely get a wedding ring, some kids, and hang out in parks and libraries a lot. Geez...desperate housewives. :erg:
Renzatic on 4/10/2010 at 23:43
You're doing it wrong, guy. What you do is date any random woman who gives you even the slightest bit of attention until the crazy shows. Then you run. YOU RUN!
Sure, this philosophy has netted me nothing more than constant cold sores around my mouth (queue lies), and a few moderately retarded children the state won't allow me see, but you know what? I'm happy. You're not. There is a life lesson here.
BrokenArts on 5/10/2010 at 01:11
Its not what he saying, its how he's saying it too. Nothing wrong with religious values in a relationship. Go for it, just don't be a jack ass about it, and make it sound you are better than everyone else, you're not.
Starrfall on 5/10/2010 at 01:38
Sorry, I only skimmed the thread - did we find out why you can't be interested in sex AND a real relationship even if one comes without the other?
Anyways I hear the internet is a good place to meet your future spouse.
Chade on 5/10/2010 at 01:48
Nice post Fett, and I mostly agree with you.
But I think you're being too generous to duckman: the way I interpreted his first post is that he puts people into boxes without the slightest effort to get to know them.
I have therefore placed him in my prick box without the slightest effort to get to know him. But hey, at least I know I'm a hypocrite.
Rug Burn Junky on 5/10/2010 at 02:11
Quote Posted by fett
I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with expecting to date people or marry someone who shares the same religious principles and roughly the same background as you. I also don't think there's anything wrong with facing the reality that maybe you haven't found anyone like that yet.
Sure, but did you read his post? Dude's got issues with women and seriously warped views of what's normal. Chade's right, the guy's prejudging (probably just as a defense mechanism in order to avoid facing his own shortcomings). Life ain't a binary between "blond burnt skin bimbo with the IQ of a turtle" and ohmigodmaritalblissforeverandever.
But what the hell do I know, I'm just fucking some blond burnt skin bimbo with an ivy league PhD.
Scots Taffer on 5/10/2010 at 02:25
Best thread of 2010.
Well, it was in contention.
gunsmoke on 5/10/2010 at 03:03
I just realized his biggest problem...HE DOESN'T DRINK. Man up, bitch. Sober people have horrible sex lives.
