fett on 4/10/2010 at 15:17
Okay, so I pretty much disagree with about 99% of the people in this thread. I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with expecting to date people or marry someone who shares the same religious principles and roughly the same background as you. I also don't think there's anything wrong with facing the reality that maybe you haven't found anyone like that yet.
I can't speak to the health of other relationships where those things don't match up, but I do know that I'm one of the luckiest people on the planet in this respect - I married my best friend from high school, our parents were still together, we had extremely similar backgrounds and beliefs, etc. I'm positive that there's no way we could have weathered everything that's come our way in the last 18 years if that were not true. At least I couldn't have. Doesn't mean other people can't endure hardship without those commonalities, but in my experience counseling tons of married people, it sure does clear away a lot of baggage that gets in the way of working out real problems.
I also share the concern duckman expresses when it comes to my own boys. I want them to find someone from a functional family - who has the same baseline as they do. It makes for a happier marriage and will make me a happier grandfather. Even at Rich's age (9) I'm amazed at how many girls in his peer group are already obsessed with their image, having boyfriends, etc. - I've seen these obsessions turn ugly so often - from being "boy crazy" into molding themselves into objects of men's desire, rather than finding their own identities. This leads to the issue duckman is talking about - girls that just want to have sex rather than a relationship. I'm not trying to draw a straight line between the two but in my experience, one seems to follow the other. I've counseled enough families with pregnant 14 year olds to know. I often wonder what the chances are that my boys will find a woman mature and self-confidant enough to have a successful marriage with.
I was the same as you duckman - most of the girls I dated just weren't what I wanted for my life - I got married at 21, even younger than you, but I knew from the time I hit puberty that as much as I liked sex, I was looking for a wife, and there's a HUGE difference. I think you're miles ahead of the pack just for recognizing that at your age.
That said, you're only 23. You've got years to find someone, but you need to look in places where you will find like-minded females. My only advice is to make sure you're not sitting back saying, "I want X kind of person" and neglecting to become that type of person yourself. You want someone stable? Be stable. You want someone who isn't in the relationship for sex? Don't agree to or push for sex for a considerable amount of time. If you're looking for someone that shares your spiritual beliefs, go where those people are and I don't mean to church. I was an extremely liberal and activist Christian guy in my 20's and the women in churches were exactly as you describe. My wife however was in the trenches, always busy helping people, putting herself out there to serve others, and we found each other that way - we both put our money where our mouth was and recognized it in each other.
You won't find someone flawless, but it helps to be realistic about your own flaws, and it seems to me like you are. What quirks can you live with, which are deal-breakers? I agree with the "man-up" sentiment, but I fear it's a thinly veiled encouragement to behave like the very people you don't want to end up with for the rest of your life. It's possible to have high standards without being a douche about it, and I don't conclude from your single post that you're doing the latter.
Queue on 4/10/2010 at 15:42
I married my high-school sweetheart, too--when I was twenty-three. She's my second wife, and the love of my life, and the reason I don't spiral down into a drunken pit of despair and anger. Her and the kids are the reason I keep going, especially when, most days, I'd rather not.
But the point is, she IS my second wife. My first wife I married when I was nineteen. It was the thing to do. We were way too young, had a kid, and life was hell. She wanted this idealized, 50s-lifestyle marriage. I was too much of a realist to give her the "fairy tale home and lifestyle", and I had ambitions of my own and didn't want to just settle into a life of "going to work, coming home, mowing the lawn." The marriage, predictably, ended in a messy divorce.
You may be asking at this point, "Why did we get married at nineteen?" Because...EVERYONE of her freinds were getting married right out of high school. It was the thing to do, because everyone was doing it. She felt left out, and got pregnant (something she admitted later) just so we'd have to get married.
Now, you were wondering why so many people around you are divorced, duckman? Most likely it's because they got married too young. Even at 23, when I married the person with whom I just celebrated our 17th anniversary, we were too young. But, we knew each other, we were best friends, and we made a commitment to work together, to be a couple that worked for a common goal, yet remained unyielding in following our own personal dreams. It takes a maturity you can only get through dealing with life to be able to make a marriage at a young age work--and since both of us had gone through hell by that point in our lives and were willing to find solace from our misery in each other.
Much like with fett, a young marriage can work if you know the person well enough and understand each other, and are willing to be a couple--not just something you think you need. So don't feel that you have to find a mate. Especially not at this point in your life.
And, btw, none of my first wife's friends that got married out high school were able to make their marriage last more than two years.
rachel on 4/10/2010 at 15:45
Dr. Duckman or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Dong
duckman on 4/10/2010 at 15:58
Thanks for the real advice Fett and Queue.
@Fett, where would you recommend I go? I'm not one to attend church, although I've been thinking about it. I just realized the biggest problem I have meeting people most likely is that most of the women I meet are from the university.
Queue on 4/10/2010 at 16:02
Anytime. Of course I had to beat you up first. :thumb:
See, it's a loving relationship.
Kuuso on 4/10/2010 at 16:51
Just chill, have fun doing stuff (that's out in the open - sitting at your computer won't prolly help with your agenda) and you'll meet people and eventually fall in love.
Or maybe that's just me and my absolutely monstrous bulge. In that case you're fucked.
Xenith on 4/10/2010 at 19:44
who needs (
http://yfrog.com/2dyeeeeeeeeeepj) real women anyway
EDIT: oh shi.... too late... NSFW
EDIT 2: alright... for goodness sake... Not Suite For Soul
ZylonBane on 4/10/2010 at 19:48
Put a NSFW warning on that, jackass.
Bluegrime on 4/10/2010 at 19:59
Forget NSFW, that isn't safe for anybody with a pair of eyes. The only thing that keeps me from calling that contraption a monstrosity is that it keeps the people who would use it from entering the gene pool.. Bet Darwin never saw THAT on the horizon when he thought up natural selection.
