Sulphur on 19/10/2010 at 20:56
She took your debit card? I don't know. This stinks so very much of either fairy tale ridiculousness or chickenshit cop-out. There's this thing, see, where you can cancel your debit card, maybe even ask the bank to deliver the replacement one to your work address? Cheques? Transfer the money to another bank account via the internet or phone banking?
You have a cellphone that can record audio if not video. Audio recordings of verbal and physical abuse still hold weight. A tiny camera isn't actually that expensive; I just checked eBay and there's perfectly serviceable shit for $15 and less.
I'm afraid you do reek of either made-up bullshit or just chicken-ass-weaksauce-shit. Either way, man up and take some action, or just continue wallowing in the mess you've made for yourself.
nbohr1more on 19/10/2010 at 21:11
Oh, my wife won't get clued in if I try to cancel a debit card for our (now) joint account?
Again, with what free-time and funds am I ever going to be able to pull-off a caper like you are describing without her smelling it a mile away and running to the divorce lawyer first?
The only thing I can think of is having my employer deposit into two accounts but she has access to my ADP so if she read the statements she'd see my handiwork.
Believe me. I have been furiously contemplating ways to do these things but I don't see a good way forward. And please don't tell me any judge would seriously award custody for verbal abuse to a husband, this is a concept I simply don't believe.
Sulphur on 19/10/2010 at 21:13
Physical abuse tends to get recorded on audio too, chief. Thwacks, crashes, etc. Better if you have a camera to corroborate, but yeah. Everything helps.
And honestly, if you can't think of something that doesn't clue her in, or can't take your goddamn debit card back because it's yours and you're afraid of getting beaten up -- do it anyway. Then take recorded evidence of what happened. If you don't get beaten up, good, you can plan the next move, and if you do, hey presto, evidence.
Renzatic on 19/10/2010 at 21:17
Quote Posted by Nbohr1more
These things would require money.
The camera would cost a bit, but you could get a good digital voice recorder for $40 easily. Surely you're not so broke you can't afford that, right?
And anyway, I knew a woman through a friend who was in a very similar situation to you. Actually, she probably had it worse considering her husband beat her severely, and turned her friends and family against her during their 5 years of marriage. He had friends on the police force, who would cover for him whenever he happened to screw up a little moreso than usual. She was the victim, no doubt, yet everything would get turned around on her, making her look like she was overreacting and hysterical. It got to the point that in a straight divorce she would lose her kids due to her quote unquote unbalanced attention seeking antics.
Considerably more grim than what you're going through. Yet she something you're not willing to do. She fought back. Despite the hopeless situation, despite everyone, even her parents, turning against her, she amassed enough evidence to not only get her children in a divorce, but to also get her husband put away for 3 to 5. Once he gets out of prison, he'll only be allowed to see his kids twice a month in supervised visits.
Her situation was far, far worse than yours. She even had your I suck so much brutalized self esteem issues that seem to arise from these wayward marriages. But she eventually got tired of it, fought against it, and won. You could do the same, I'm sure.
Pyrian on 19/10/2010 at 21:34
Quote Posted by Vasquez
Your wife is so violent that you are "trapped" in a crappy relationship "to be the punching bag" so your wife wouldn't beat your kid to pulp - and your main woe is that you don't get enough wild sex with young hotties? :weird:
Hey, now. One's got to keep one's priorities straight. :D
nbohr1more on 19/10/2010 at 21:40
That is a pretty good idea except I need to gather the custody evidence before she realizes what I'm up to. If she sees me make a play like that it's "game on" in the divorce court. If she gets sole custody I will die, failure is not an option. That plan just doesn't seem careful enough. With that as I template I would have to time precisely when I got my card and acquired cameras and hope she wouldn't be the wiser until I could "provoke" an argument and capture it?
Given that she's a hawk about where things are financially, I would have less than a day to squeeze that entire sequence into.
I only see a flamingly stupid attempt leading to her catching on quickly and defeating me.
Or I could just:
Take my lumps.
Leave.
Maybe somehow get partial custody.
Live on fumes between child support and alimony.
Hope my limited time with my son maintains our bond enough.
Emerge as a whole human when the child support and alimony periods are over.
Go cruizing for ladies as an old man...?
At least I would be able to play video games, listen to heavy metal, watch horror films and all the other stuff that is limited, restricted or verboten in our household...
This sux.
(Edit: Holy shit, doesn't sux as bad as Renzatic's friends' story though... )
Queue on 19/10/2010 at 22:15
No woman, not even a fat angry one, would ever emasculate me to the point you have become. For fuckssake man, do something!
First things first, go the bank and close all the accounts.
Then....
Just leave.
Irrespective of anything else, just get out.
And tell her she can have full custody, that you are willing to give up all parental rights (i.e. financial responsibility) so she can re-marry, and have a good life. You have to understand that she's using your loyalty to the kids, and your feeling of entrapment and complacency, as leverage against you. If you show her you just don't give a shit and would rather kick her in the cunt than to look at her, she'll either change her tune or she won't. Either way, you'll have taken some sort of action and will be well on your way to that of a free man.
Tocky on 20/10/2010 at 03:13
godammit
I wasn't going to get sucked back in but maybe just a few things. Never hit back. Any man who can't take the best punch a woman can give and smile through the blood just aint reaching deep enough. There is a certain fearsome power in not using power. Plus you have your evidence picture then. But she only hits light enough not to bruise? There is always some "but" in your story and this one just tells me okay big deal then. I take bumps to my body all the time that give me bruises and never recall how they happened. She must be huge and you very small for her to be able to hold you immobile. My grandaughter could teach you her turning to water trick she does when she doesn't want to be picked up but really you need to grow more spine.
You will have to leave. It won't get better while you are not standing up to her so make your plans. It will suck. You will live on fumes. It will still be better. Be firm and fair about everything you do. Don't break anything or yell or act a fool. Once you are away secure testimony from those friends who witnessed her abuse. Even with ironclad evidence you may be a weekend daddy but what you are teaching your son by submitting to her behavior is wrong. It would be another thing if you were a rock against which her anger broke but you are the one breaking and you're doing nothing to stop it. Even if you were a rock it might take decades for her to tire of banging into you and I just don't see you holding out.
I do sympathize somewhat. My son had to walk away from a relationship somewhat similar and his kids love him. She could not turn them against him and grudgingly had to accept his stolid stance. Of course every situation is different. It will be hard on you so man up. Do what you have to. You might be surprised at the help friends and family provide because they have observed her behavior. In the end only you know your situation but since you opened up consider the advice here. If you are determined to be fatalistic then fatal is what you'll get.
Lastly, if she ever injures your son call protective sevices. Good luck.
Vasquez on 20/10/2010 at 08:10
Quote Posted by nbohr1more
This sux.
Read and learn, boys and girls: Never, never ever rush to get married & having kids too quick, even if others are telling you to.
Somehow the most fantastic part of this whole saga is how two grownups allow others to "pressure" them into anything. And
why would any sane person try and talk someone into marrying a person they've known only 5 minutes - where I'm from, if anything it's the other way around, friends and family talk sense and tell to wait and see before making any big decisions.
However, I'm a bit surprised of the "She doesn't hit you hard enough" and "Have you tried hit her back" -comments. Assuming the story is true, domestic violence isn't a joking matter, not even when the victim is a man.
Kolya on 20/10/2010 at 08:22
Quote Posted by ZylonBane
http://blogs.westword.com/latestword/jerry%20springer%20image.jpg
By my bulbing buttocks!
Miss Prune! Reversalist reserve at your order!
:D
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