gbja7 on 4/8/2003 at 20:11
Since the Daily Vivec apparently went into permanent limbo I thought I would post this here. Might contain some spoilers for some people and could offend others.
Ashlander Screened for Genital Corpus
The Ashlander, Uvaas, winner of the Morrowind Lotto, was screened for Genital Corpus yesterday after mistakenly entering a Sixth House Base. Temple officials claim that Uvaas’ original intentions were nonetheless shady. “We learned that Mr. Uvaas was actually inquiring around the Balmora area for a sex house. He was misunderstood and instead was given directions to a Sixth House base,” responded Curate Tharigoth.
“A sexth houthe? I don’t know where Brother Tharigoth heard thith. Thomebody wath lying to him,” said the Ashlander dejectedly.
Sources indicated that Uvaas had indeed been spotted in the Balmora area whispering to the outlander-gone-native Swern. Swern neither confirmed nor denied these allegations. However, he did make the following statement: “Dagoth Ur calls; you cannot deny your lord. The Sixth House has risen and Dagoth is its glory!”
Surprisingly Dagoth Ur, immortal enemy of the Tribunal, and the general cause for all pain and suffering as we know it, was willing to set aside valuable time for an exclusive interview regarding the incident.
“Yes this Ashlander you call Uvaas did in fact enter one of my bases and caused much damage. I had to start a support group for those victims fortunate enough to survive the ordeal and not beat their brains out with hunks of corpus meat. When I take over the world, that Ashlander will not be allowed within a hundred arrow shots of one of my minions.”
“It was horrible,” moaned Ascended Sleeper 231. “He had that terrible lisp. I’ll never forget. He just threw lots of gold coins around saying ‘he’ll take all the girlth,’ and started molesting anyone he saw. It was a free-for-all. Apparently, he not only has a bad lisp but he’s night blind too. It is pretty dark in our bases. I was simply pacing back and forth in front of the shrine when he busted in stark naked. He started banging the ceremonial Hammer on the Sacred Bells. ‘Oh yeah, danth big mama danth, thake that athth, thake that athth, thow me what yo work’in fo’ is what he screamed at me. I felt so used. Then he . . .”
Ascended Sleeper 231 was unavailable for further comment as he proceeded to go into convulsions and promptly fell
into a catatonic state. At this Lord Dagoth showed me out replying, “you fool! Look what you did to 231! All that hard work and counseling for nothing! Leave before you face my full fury and come to know the horror that is Dagoth Ur!”
“Okay, okay I lied,” stated Uvaas. “I jutht wath looking for a good time. I thould have thaid Dethele'th houthe of Earthly Delightth instead of sexth houthe,” Uvaas stated embarrassed.
Temple Officials confirm that after a thorough but wary examination, Uvaas had indeed contracted Genital Corpus from the incident. "It was not too hard to determine as Corpus has been known to enlarge infected areas," stated Brother Tharigoth. Uvaas is currently being transported to Tel Fyr, where he will be locked away in a remote part of the Corpusarium until such time as there is a cure and he is properly rehabilitated.
