I have pre-ordered this game.
) post authored by Jakal from Ars Technica's forums, whose opinions match greatly with my own in gaming-related circles, and is thus a most profoundly wise person:
Quote Posted by "Jakal"
Again, this is without question the best game I've ever played. So much of the shit that the game does right just can't be put into words. I'll give it a try, though. Dildo battle. Whore assassins. Playing a game in a game in a game. Riding around in a rickshaw pulled by an autotuned ball-gagged gimp-pimp while shooting at the other gimp rickshaws chasing us... WHICH EXPLODE. Giant naked battlerussians who
just don't give a fuck. Putting nitrous and a purple underglow kit on our pink SWAT assault van, "The Battlewagon," then kneecapping people with the giant retractable spikes that come out of the wheels. Two Furries, One Moped. An all-out battle on mainstreet featuring the cops, every single gang, and us, all teamed-up versus a nearly-invincible giant japanese cat mascot that I'm keeping stunlocked by stomping on his jap-cat-nuts... all of which is highly
UNETHICAL, and the game makes sure you know it. Suplex slaming old ladies while wearing a nun cassock. Running down the street naked while punching everyone in the nuts.
*takes a deep breath* ...ok, here's some more.
Whored Mode, which imma let you finish but it's the best game mode of
all time, bro,
OF ALL TIME, and consists of "special" enemy waves, each more luls than the last, my favorite of which was called PORKCHOP SANDWICHES and featured fire plus the following instructions:
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!. "Ankle Biters" in which we use anime swords to fend off 12 foot tall hoochimammies. Hind D full of my homies. Using "homies" repeatedly in serious speech. Shouting I NEED TO SAVE MY HOMIES! An arena in which I fight giant hotdogs, beer, and furries, but NOT pandas, NEVER the pandas, all while Hulk Hogan commentates. ETHICAL! Insurance Fraud mode, in which you sprint out into traffic, leap boldly into the air, go all ragdoll, and get smashed about by trucks. Immediately stopping all activity because we found a flame-throwing giant bobblehead truck which we rush through the city to secure in our garage, losing the hair in the process, then the wheels, finally resorting to driving it backwards, only to be stopped dead in our tracks at the very last few feet of our heroic manjourney because the head is too big to fit through our garage door. All of this and more... WITH YOUR TITTIES HANGING OUT.
The graphics are pretty damn good, but nothing mind blowing. The game runs great on PC, and I saw
no indication of consolitis. The soundtrack is
fucking amazing, and puts even Vice City to shame, especially since the songs can be played at will via a fully customizable "mixtape" feature. The writing and extent of the inside jokes and references to other games is fantastic. Noodles and I played co-op literally all day (maybe 12 hours of gameplay) and are only about 29% of the way through. All of that was with maybe three crashes and two minor bugs. The bugs were easily worked around and the crashes didn't matter because the seamless autosaves are very frequent and because the Steamworks netcode let me drop back into our session with ease.
The
only issue I had is that the driver camera controls can be a bit hard to work with, though there's a setting to adjust this which I haven't goofed with that much yet.
Saints Row 3 is everything the GTA games wanted to be but miserably failed at. This is everything a game should be when made by a team who not only understands
fun, but more importantly, understands exactly how to deliver that fun with zero bullshit. Dying doesn't penalize you. Blowing up your cars doesn't penalize you. Really nothing about the experience is tedious in the slightest. It's just back to back fun with no-punches-pulled and not a single fuck given. SR3 is everything I was hoping for and more.
This to me is gaming bliss. I've played a
lot of shit, and some of it was of greater merit artistically, but nothing compares when it comes to the luls, and nothing compares when holistically considering the scope of the consistently dead-on game mechanics. Not only does SR3 feature more shit than you've ever seen before, but amazingly, all that shit
works.
Let me repeat: I have pre-ordered this game. And all you fucknugs need to as well if you don't already have it, because this bitch needs to be co-opted in co-op like no other game before it.
