ticky on 11/11/2024 at 20:08

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Hi fellow Taffers!

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered that one of my favourite Thief related channels, FenPhoenix has "officially retired", as the title screen says (https://www.youtube.com/@FenPhoenix) on the page.

I tried to make a quick research to learn a bit more about this, whether there was any announcement or explanation, or just simply changing the cover picture, but I was not lucky in my search.

Does anyone know more about this?

Thanks

Gloria Creep on 11/11/2024 at 20:58

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I'm sorry to hear this. It was funny looking at his let's play walkthroughs.

:angel:

FenPhoenix on 12/11/2024 at 01:08

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I perhaps should have made a video announcement, but I thought maybe the post would show up on peoples' feeds and be discoverable enough maybe. I myself bookmark straight to the youtube subscriptions page and don't see the home page at all, so I don't see community posts there, but maybe they show up on the home page, or not, I dunno.

Anyway, yeah. It's a long and complicated thing. I think the very premise of my channel - Thief played in the style of old-school raocow - probably never made much sense in the first place. There was always this awkward tension between the stream-of-consciousness standup comedy act and the playing of the game. People have often thanked me for the "walkthrough" to help them finish a mission. I would think my videos make pretty poor walkthroughs what with me jumpcutting all over, but who knows.

When I started taking regular hiatuses, the reason I would come back was always because I'd gone stir crazy and wanted to say something to someone. After a few videos it would start to become forced again (I'd run dry on my well of things to say I'd built up) and I'd drop off again, or people would start to point out my videos were "rushed" or whatnot, which was accurate enough really.

I started let's playing in 2011. At that time I was living in my mom's basement after previously spending a year living "on my own" (in a house with several other roommates). Let's playing was something I was excited to try back then. My idol was raocow, who'd been playing Super Mario World romhacks with a nonstop stream-of-consciousness commentary style and lots of quick cuts. I loved that commentary style, so I ripped it right off for my own videos. I really enjoyed doing it up till around late 2012/early 2013. Early-mid 2013 was a pretty bad time for me. Several things happened both physical and emotional and I've never really recovered from it.

As to the adult in a kid-sized box thing. As some of you know, I have Aspergers (or whatever they call it now), diagnosed at age 15, which apparently is pretty late. Before then, I had no clue, so I would just go around saying weird awkward things with no self-doubt whatsoever. When I was first diagnosed, I focused a lot on it, but after a while I realized that ignoring it and pretending it wasn't there made things go more smoothly. For many, many years that's what I did: Ignore it and pretend I was neurotypical. Not because of shame, but because I didn't want it affecting me. During my teen years I also developed severe anxiety which at first I simply attributed to being a teenager (this must just be that teen akwardness I've heard about, right?) but it never went away. These two things caused me to feel like a "stupid incapable kid". I couldn't answer the phone like an adult, because I dreaded having to talk on the phone. I couldn't get a job like an adult. Vocal and facial tics don't exactly make you feel respectable either. The only job I ever had, my mom hooked up for me. And then sitting in my mom's basement at age 25 and doing crappy youtube videos for free... and always just moving wherever my mom moved and staying in the basement of whatever house she had, and doing stupid-ass videos instead of being a capable adult. And then just continuing to do the exact same thing for 13 more years... blabbing like a goofy idiot over poorly edited jumpcuts is kids stuff. It's what you do when you're in your mom's basement with no job, and you're young enough to think your life is infinite and be okay with wasting it.

I've been depressed for a long time now. The events of early 2013, particularly on my physical health, put my dreams perpetually out of reach. I do know what I want to do with my life, but it ain't let's playing (or programming either), and I also know I'm not able to do it and have lost all hope of being able to do it. You ever have something you just burningly need to do, and if you don't, you'll go crazy? And the calculus of it doesn't matter? Well, it's like that. My state has been very bleak in recent years, and I basically get by on distractions. Programming is one of them, kinda, but I also find it enjoyable in a low-key way. If a fairy waved a magic wand and healed my body and I could use my voice musically (or practically at all, these days) again, I would probably still program in the evenings or whatnot to unwind. That's why I'm okay with continuing AngelLoader development.

But in any case, I'm running on distractions and often enough I go to sleep thinking to myself "could I please not wake up this time?"

Most online personalities are fake af, so there's my dose of realness, for whatever it's worth. I dunno what's going to happen with me, but I do know I can't keep doing let's plays. I have to find some way to move forward, even though I can't see it.

Beltzer on 12/11/2024 at 13:05

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I feel for you man. Life is not a dance on roses for everyone. My whole life has been lively. My life also took
a wrong turn to the worse in 2013, my psychological health started to going downhill.
I had a wife with ADD and Borderline, that was not easy five years.
Now i'm going to do a neuropsychiatric assessment, i'm pretty sure that i have ADHD, BIG TIME.
I really hope that i can get help with it. I'm so happy that i have a partner that support and understand me.
I'm so glad that i have her.
I wish you good luck with everything Fen.

the taffer on 12/11/2024 at 21:11

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You are an amazing person Fen and I enjoyed your videos and our convos. (This is The Count). You have a lot of people who care about you in this community and want to see you succeed in whatever you do. You can msg me anytime if you want to talk. I hope you start to heal and find a purpose again brother.