AR Master on 17/7/2006 at 03:46

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There is a certain class of people in society willing to be degraded, disrespected, yelled at, spit on, ignored, swung at, put down and mocked for money. Scientists and other degree holders might call them "prostitutes" or "mexicans" but the correct term is "security officer" and they truely are the salt of the Earth.

Now, the life of a security guard isn't all high fame and glory like Doughnuts Today magazines might make it out to be. In fact, the job is rough, shitty work that generally takes a passion in order to put up with it. There is a necessary degree of patience, understanding, and doing shit you don't want to do that most people would rather not have to bother with. And shit, who can blame them? Wandering into a crowd of rowdy drunk college kids to let them know they're being cut off and will be removed if they make a scene is not my idea of fun. Taking abuse for money with no tools for your protection isn't a fun job [write a whores joke here later]. But hell if you can't help but love it!

Now there seem to be some misconceptions about security work that I've observed while working with my new company over the summer, so I'd like to just go ahead and use this space here to "rap" with you about security guarding and the myths and facts concerning it. I will be underlining the word "fact" in order to stress its importance in a way only a horizontal line can. Pull up a seat and hold on tight! You're in for a "bitchin'" ride! Cowabunga!

Myth: The "S" stands for "Information"

Fact: Actually, through some sorcery of the roman alphabet, the "S" in Security stands for "s" and leads into the rest of the word "ecurity". It means the person wearing a badge with this word on it ("security") is there to secure property and personal welfare. It's a bit foggy at first, but after a while you'll start to understand that letters forming the word "security" actually means "security", much in the way a complex caculus problem becomes easier as you learn the theorems surrounding it.

So armed with this knowledge, it's easier to see that a guard doesn't have the answer to your various questions, despite our good looks and hair the colour of drying August hay. Questions such as where the bands will be signing autographs, why they've closed the side entrance, where the opening band is from, string theory, why the band isn't staying to sign autographs, where the nearest Quiklube is, etc. And I know, it's easy to get angry at a bunch of university kids from out of town because they don't knowwhere Elmtree Road is but please try and bear with us.


Myth: I can "cut you a break", "make you a deal" or "totally just let you off the hook"

Fact: My actions are bound by Canadian law, which I am paid to enforce, and I, myself, am accountable for them much the way your dumb ass is for yours.

Using a fake ID to gain entry to the club will get you turned down and your ID confiscated. No, I cannot let you in regardless, no matter how compelling your whining about "coming on, man" may be.

Being in the mall after you've been banned does, actually, count as trespassing and no, I'm not "wasting my time" by processing you and as such, can't, to be sure, "let you off the hook". Your rebuttal of calling me a "fucking narc" and then attempting to kick me as I arrest you, while persuasive, does not sway the law.

Working backstage at a concert does not give me license to let you in backstage because you believe I'm a "cool guy" or "clean" or whatever slang you're pulling out of the 30s you call me. Also repeatedly begging "please" doesn't seem to move me from my post, so you should probably discontinue this line of argument.

If you go to a concert and wish to bring in a baggie of pot and proceed to roll and then smoke a joint 6 feet away from two of our security officers, and then, when approached after a few minutes thow the joint on the ground and maintain religiously you weren't smoking anything, we have to act within our laws, which leads me to the next exciting and confusing security officer myth.


Myth: Security Officers are stupid, and also unobservant

Fact: Some of us have IQs more than this many fingers on both my hands, also we are known to have eyes. So when you're smoking pot within arm's reach of me, stinking up the area and smirking like you've just got away with murdering a judge, please don't insult my intelligence by claiming steadfast that you weren't, in fact, smoking up and you totally don't have any drugs on you and your eyes are just red because they're irritated by the smoke from the ribs BBQ on the other side of the park. I get that you're not man enough to fess up to it, but at the very least just stay silent, don't accuse me of being a narc and just trying to get you in trouble.

We get that the job doesn't entail a lot of respect by nature, but this sort of thing is fucking ridiculous. Also note that security officers can tell that you're drunk, that you were shoplifting, and that the baseball bat you brought to a club at midnight was not for playing baseball. Also we're fairly sure your parents are not dead, your name isn't Harry Bolzac, your friend didn't loan you his car with no ignition column, nor is your name on the list just because you're flashing a 20 at me. You may get by 60% of the guards, but is that risk really worth it? Probably not because if you're trying this shit, you're too fucking stupid to do the math you god damned retard.


Myth: We cannot arrest you, touch you, or do anything, really, if we catch you breaking the law

Fact: We have full power to arrest you if we see you breaking the law. We also have full authority to match force as necessary. Also, contrary to popular opinion it seems, two guards escorting you off premises by your upper arms because you won't come peacefully is not "assault", so please stop shouting it at the top of your lungs.



Myth: Your jokes are hilarious, witty and fresh.

Fact: Your jokes are like being stabbed in the eyes with a fucking shiv made from rusty farm tools. Another myth is that they get funnier as they're repeated. You're not Jerry Seinfeld, please stop with the amazingly astute observations.

"HOT ISN'T IT" and "HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU" when we're in full black uniform with pants and polo, in the sun in 38 degree weather watching the festival gates does not, somehow -and trust me, I'm as confused as you are- lower the temperature nor make it any more bearable. It makes us want to kill you with your own children.

"WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING" leaves us hardly har haring.

"DO YOU TAKE FAKE IDs", "HER ID IS FAKE HAW HAW", "YOU SHOULD ID HER!" usually from the 40 and over crowd. We understand, you're angry at being old. We know nature has dealt you a shitty hand and you can't do anything about it other that simply dredging through your boring and placid life, watching in horror as you age worse and worse, speeding in at an undeniable rate to a largely short and forgettable funeral, but heckling us to ID you does nothing to reverse your shrivelling face. You hear me? Nothing.

"ARE YOU GUARDING [THE GARBAGE/THE FOUNTAIN/THIS DOOR/THESE PYLONS/ETC]" It's hilarious because we're standing near something that generally wouldn't require being secured by human forces! It's like irony, right? Shit that's funny! This is a step up because at this point we're usually identified as being security guards and not 411.

"HA HA THEY'RE COMING TO ARREST YOU, COMPATRIOT" I know cops get this one a lot whenever they're anywhere. Yeah, I'm here to arrest you and your friend on the charge of being retarded unfunny faggots. The punishment is immediate braining with a maglite.


Myth: We don't take our job seriously

Fact: We take a job that's often necessary for rent, experience and/or employment seriously.


Myth: We take our jobs too seriously

Fact: We're still humans, not rock star gods like we're made out to be (although some of us just may be!)


There is an amazing amount of patience necessary for dealing with people who don't want to deal with you and having surprisingly little power over them to help things out on your end. Yeah, I know you want your booze. Yeah, I know you don't think mainlining heroin in the washroom should be a crime. Yeah, I know you want to go backstage. Guess what my job is to do because I'm standing here reminding you of why you're not supposed to do this.

But holy hell you gotta love the job because it's an amazing opportunity to help people, actually get involved, get free swag (the amount of swag I get is an important occupational factor to me), get awesome backstage passes to cool bands and travel (with my company, at least). And although a lot of people respect security and the jobs they do maintaining order where it's needed (at your concerts, at your clubs, at your workplace, at your fundraisers), a lot don't and try their best to rage against the man by going after the one authority figure usually under 25.

The next time you see a college kid working this job, remember it's just a job and he's gotta do what he's gotta do, and please try and thank them for the unpaid, underappreciated work they do while waitresses are pulling in 300 a night in untaxable income for 5 hours of work. We're people too, albeit often better looking and better groomed.

Yes, no matter how awesome Hollywood and all the popular European magazines make us out to be, we're just simple people living simple lives doing jobs we love, so try and throw us a bone here, and we'll make your night that much more toleratable.

AR Master on 17/7/2006 at 04:08

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Myth: Anyone likes you, AGWPT

Aja on 17/7/2006 at 05:17

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guarding the pylons... that is funny!

AR Master on 17/7/2006 at 14:09

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ha ha, that is so my basic rundown mannerisms. you are very clever and observant, Sap'em.do one now about airline peanuts and how theyre so hard to open. i mean, you just cant open them! whats up with that!

PigLick on 17/7/2006 at 15:07

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Yeh exactly its pretty obvious ARmaster is writing for entertainment/comedy value, if you cant see that then GET OUT