Random thoughts... - by Tocky
Tocky on 19/11/2018 at 05:42
I was on facebook yesterday and a post reminded me of Upper Heyford RAF USAF so I looked up some pics of my old base. I found one of my dorm but not my end of it. I found the old hospital and one I think is the hospital dorm. Sadly the PX is boarded up and fencing runs around the NCO club and other stuff I used to walk to every day is in decay. Then I read some comments below the pics and found there is a facebook site for those who did duty there. I joined the group. Then I looked for names I knew in the comments there.
Motherfuck. I happened on one almost automatically in the comments about The Barley Mow pub. Dena. I had called her Delilah in my stories. I had the first and last sound of her name right but that ain't good enough for someone you have slept with. She even used her old Air Force photo for her facebook photo. I'm 99% certain. I left a reply on her comment asking if we didn't go to the AC/DC concert together but so far no response. Okay, it's only been eight hours but I'm on tenterhooks waiting. I'm not really sure what I'm going to say when she does.
I know what I want to. I want to let her know that I know what a dumbass I was for not realizing how great she was. I want her to understand it wasn't her. I was a dick. I was playing the field. I didn't want any ties but she was so wonderful. She was so caring and passionate and if I had been at another place in my life I would have realized that and not used her for just fun. We couldn't dance together without falling in bed together. We kissed within minutes of first meeting each other. I want to let her know I remember. That I will never forget. That I cherish those memories. But somehow I've got to say that without saying it. We are happily married long term to others after all. I looked her up on her facebook page. Time has done damage but that smile is still the same.
How do you say you remember? How do you say I am sincerely sorry for being such an ass that I let her get away? That I know now what my stupid younger self was too flippant and shallow to comprehend. How do you say all that in an undercover fashion that can only be read between the lines?
I never expected all these emotions just from looking at some old photos of the base. Jesus.
Tocky on 24/11/2018 at 03:57
Okay. No response. Not a lot of movement on that page anyway but I'm so disappointed. I even posted a picture of her I still have. Just as a reply to her comment. Just her and a guy eating chili in the break room at the ward. One I saved from the day of burning my wife made me do the first year of our marriage. She didn't know it wasn't just a pic of hospital staff. I guess you think I should be honest. Maybe I should let go of my memories. That is not who I am. I can't forget anything. Anyone who ever meant anything to me still does. That is a lie of omission I do all the time. I let nobody go. I remember. I may not always recall what I said or did but I recall what others have. They made my life. They are as much me as anything I did or said. More so. They made me.
Is this okay?
"You were so wonderful and so funny. I wish I had met you when I wasn't young and stupid. I recall those days fondly though. Hey do you remember when the bus stopped on the way to the concert and when the guys lined up to take a leak some wise ass girls ran down the line pointing and saying things like "aw poor little fellow" and "hey what are you doing later"? We had some great times for as short as they were. I've thought of you off and on over the years and always with a smile. Good to see you again."
I posted that. It wasn't too much right? I kept it not too personal right? I don't want to be a ghost from the past returned as a nightmare. I don't want anything. Forgiveness maybe.
Al_B on 24/11/2018 at 19:04
Could be that she's not too active on facebook or just wants to leave the past behind - but I don't think your message is too over the top. Entirely possible she's wondering what the motivation is for being contacted - just as you'd probably do if she was to send a similar message in your direction. From your past posts you've struck me as the sort of guy who knows how to pitch things at the right level - I'd trust your gut. I personally find "a day of burning" a bit strange (hopefully it was just photos and you're not married to a serial arsonist!). I can understand the motivation as a symbolic gesture but trying to get rid of old photos won't change your memories, who you were and who you are now.
My random thought today is a bit meta - why does my brain piece thoughts together best in the shower? I realise that "shower thoughts" is not (
https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/) exactly new but I'd have expected other situations where I'm distracted from a particular problem to be just as effective - but nothing quite works in the same way.
Tocky on 24/11/2018 at 19:58
Yay! She responded. She reminded me she was not one of the girls who said mean things when they ran by. I told her I know that. I remember everything she did and said was thoughtful. She, in an on the sly sort of way, said her son sees her posts so I on the sly let her know I would never get detailed about things. She remembers me though and in a good way. Yay!
I guess I already did get too detailed but I didn't include her in the girls who ran down the line.
SubJeff on 25/11/2018 at 17:38
I read an article about the potential, or not, of a Back to the Future reboot. It was as depressing as the respondents to the poll therein were idiots.
Pyrian on 25/11/2018 at 18:02
If they were going to do that, they should've released it in 2015. :p
Tocky on 26/11/2018 at 05:24
Back to the future just would not be the same without Michael J. Fox. My wife and I have a standing agreement to sing the theme song for Family Ties if we ever see him at the airport or something. We sang it every time the show came on that first year of marriage. "Oh I bet we've been together for a million years...". I can't imagine anyone filling his shoes in the role of Marty.
Quote Posted by Al_B
I personally find "a day of burning" a bit strange (hopefully it was just photos and you're not married to a serial arsonist!). I can understand the motivation as a symbolic gesture but trying to get rid of old photos won't change your memories, who you were and who you are now.
Rest assured it isn't some pagan ritual. Not that I would be adverse to a little dancing naked round a fire. I am overly sentimental though. I save things, letters, pictures, pubic hair in a tiny bottle, little things given to me. It was a day of letting go.
Pyrian on 26/11/2018 at 06:54
...One of those is not like the others...
Medlar on 26/11/2018 at 09:06
“Pubic hair in a tiny bottle” Why?😳
Sulphur on 26/11/2018 at 09:09
He already answered that. Overly sentimental, remember? Me, I've kept a few more conventional things. Letters. Tchotchkes. Dragons on a chain gifted me.
The photos a certain someone and I took got given back though, after I penned a few lines on the other side as a token of my feelings. It was only fitting I'd never see them or the other person again. They're like that, photos. They either fade away, or burn.