Please provide freedback on/proofread my essay before submitting - by hedonicflux~~
hedonicflux~~ on 1/10/2016 at 13:08
Quote Posted by Sulphur
Structurally: the introductory paragraphs work as a better lead-in, but the relationships between your fundamental points are still clumsy. The opening paragraph talks about a climax of several things approaching, then goes on to talk about them one after the other. There is no transition that leads from July 2016 being the warmest month on record to socioeconomic issues, which is a pretty abrupt shift and can be addressed with a 'meanwhile' or something to that effect. Apart from that, you still need to link all of these disparate sources and citations and topic shifts into a cohesive statement.
Well, that's the problem with going off trying to satisfy everyone's criticism, isn't it? I think I need to cut out the three paragraphs I just added, as quick as I wrote them. Thanks ttlg, you make this a lot easier with your whining about *I don't immediately understand it and I don't have the motivation to research the citations therefore your essay is pure masturbation and you can go to hell.*
hedonicflux~~ on 1/10/2016 at 13:11
Bowflex, a mature critic, said after the first draft that he didn't think I was doing my message justice, as it was too self-satisfying. He aknowledged that I know a lot more about the subject matter than him. He wasn't a whiney bitch about it, and that's why I was able to make to great improvements to the essay because of him.
faetal on 1/10/2016 at 13:15
I can give you some very condensed and much higher priority advice which I'm positive you'll ignore: grow up.
Sulphur on 1/10/2016 at 13:19
Obviously, you can't satisfy everybody, but you choose to accept whether feedback makes sense or not. If you're satisfied with it as is, god speed. Accepting feedback and criticism and leveraging it for better outcomes isn't for the faint of heart.
hedonicflux~~ on 1/10/2016 at 13:19
Ah the age old advice. Appropriate for any situation!
hedonicflux~~ on 1/10/2016 at 13:20
GROW UP AND BECOME CYNICAL. DAMNIT.
LIKE ME!!!
faetal on 1/10/2016 at 13:21
Particularly appropriate for someone who comes to a gaming forum to beg for criticism and then basically filter out anything which doesn't amount to "can I try to fit the balls in too?".
qolelis on 1/10/2016 at 14:47
I know how easy it is to get emotionally invested in something you've worked on for a while (if that is indeed what you've done), but try not to take criticism of your work personally; it's not a contest (because I take it you know what they say about winning on the internet... ;) ) -- although this thread do seem to now have turned into a contest for the most clever asshole, but I digress... Anyway, try not to get emotional about it (being openly emotional can be quite contagious), but if you do get emotional, try not to act on it; wait a while before replying -- or just silently ponder the advice given, and then take it or leave it. Do remember, though, critiquing a text on this level takes time, so value those who do take that time, even if you don't follow their advice (or think their advice sucks or whatever). Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
I'm probably not part of your main target group, but I like to think that this place has its fair share of smart folks, and also well read, so I think their advice is not to entirely piss on - although it seems to come with the territory to also be somewhat of an arse, so having to wade through some bullshit to get to the gold is something you just have to accept. I'm out.
Nicker on 2/10/2016 at 01:01
Is there a link to the latest edit, HF~~?
Sorry, couldn't wait. Used the old one.
Editing tips to help with arranging paragraphs: Separate your first draft into individual sentences. / FIX the sentences using the LIM principle (less is more). / Rearrange, revise or remove the individual sentences. / Group them according to shared ideas. While there is no rule about number of sentences in a paragraph, three to four seems to be a natural break point, even if it is just to reduce reader fatigue.
Use a double paragraph break to group related paragraphs.
I am going to guess you didn't work from an outline since, as the following sample edit may reveal, your opening paragraphs were in the wrong place. Even then it still needs a statement of what you intend to demonstrate about the problem (it's a death spiral OR we can fix it...).
Utopian ideology is at the heart of a slow-motion coup d'état which has, in political theorist Sheldon Wolin's eyes, been a constant expansion of America's "power imaginaries". The use of limitless monetization and unbound capitalist ideology has expanded the definition of power itself and the forms in which it can exert itself.
The concept of constitutional power has been rendered meaningless. But more than that, it has rendered the concept of reality meaningless, inasmuch as reality is an integrating consensus of the mechanics (and limits) of the world.
[ it's a death spiral OR we can fix it... ]
For a century the Western World has been lured down a path of perversion, regression and decay, by a handful of utopian idealists and the abundance of political functionaries unscrupulous enough (or spineless enough) to take their bait.
Randian political philosopher, Leo Strauss, sees his thinking deeply ingrained in the culture of the US federal government, to the misfortune of the world. Philosophers like him are happy to tout concepts like the "obligations" or "sacred duty" of power, but lack the faintest grasp on conscience, moral obligation or, for that matter, reality.
Alan Greenspan is the old classic, the capitalist economist on-duty, banality defined, his head as filled with delusions as it is with greed. Largely responsible for the structuring of major American financial institutions as they are today, the Undertaker has his name inscribed in every Wall Street casino that bets in blood.
The punchline to this sick, cultural hijacking is the repugnant venture capitalist Kevin O'Leary. After years as a host on the appropriately named, Shark Tank, he is testing the waters of politics as a member of Canada's Conservative Party. Polls show him exceptionally favorable among nine to eighteen year-olds. I wonder why?
The "neo" political ideologies, neoliberalism and neoconservatism, are but mutations of the classical political oppositions, both infected by the same terminal illness of a utopian capitalism, ignoring the limits of a coherent economic model and eco-sustainability altogether. Mass propaganda advertises these mutants as opponents in the arena of the political dialectic, when they are really accomplices in the suicidal ruse of hyper-commodification.
Information technology and telecommunications exacerbate the "reality-pulverization" effect by opening up a world of new ways to exploit general populations while also creating a state of "information vertigo", the coexisting states of total information transparency and the weaponized proliferation of disinformation.
hedonicflux~~ on 3/10/2016 at 02:58
Thanks Nicker. Unfortunately, I've already submitted it. I decided it was time to stop tinckering/questioning and chance it. But I will consider these points in the future.
Btw, it's the same link. I reversed the last big edit as it was unnecessay bloat.
