Please give me some advice.

glslvrfan on 29/5/2007 at 21:40

My Wife passed away on May 11th. My daughter Courtney (12) has been sleeping in the bed with me since her mother passed. How long should I allow her to continue sleeping with me? She always been a daddys girl and would sleep with me every now and then if she knew her mother was gonna be up all night playin a game or workin.

We have to have a ceremony Saturday to place her ashes, so I'm sure the weekend will go pretty bad, but after that I know I've got to get her in her own bed.
Any help would be appreciated.

BrokenArts on 29/5/2007 at 22:04

Oh boy, glslvrfan, I am sooooo sorry for your loss. :( My condolences to you, your daughter, and your family.

I understand your concern, since things are still very raw if you will. Your daughter may still sleep with you for a few days yet. You are going to have to talk to her about this eventually, and I would seek out counseling too, get some advice. Give it a time limit, let her know what you are thinking. After the weekend passes, explain to her why. For one, it's not a healthy thing to do, especially at her age, she is old enough to understand, she should move to her own bed, let her know that up front.

You can tell her, "I will be right here honey", be honest with her. If she has a bad dream, reassure her, you will be there. She can't continue to sleep with you. If you give in too much, you have to be careful with that too. Reassure her, you will always be there for her. You are being understanding and sympathetic, all you can do. She is looking for your guidance right now, be firm, and strong, for her. You will be, and you are. Again, I would highly consider a form of counseling for your daughter too.

May I ask, what happened to your wife?

glslvrfan on 29/5/2007 at 22:24

She had a bad case of pancreitis, which turned to a bad infection and caused all her organs to shut down. She was 35, and passed away the day before our 12 year anniversary.

BrokenArts on 29/5/2007 at 22:36

Again, I am soooo sorry. :( Too young to die. We are here for you.

jay pettitt on 29/5/2007 at 22:57

umm, gosh.

If it's any help you're in no way the first person or the last to sleep with their kid. It's a nest thing and there might not be such a huge urgency to turf your child out of the nest if you see what I mean. Perhaps you could both go visit the grandparents for weekends and ween daughter back to independent sleeping arrangements that way. Maybe she can have friends sleep over... Make sure she knows that her room is her space where she can do her own thing without her Dad interfering.

TBE on 29/5/2007 at 23:54

BrokenArts hit it on the head. Be there for your daughter during this time of mourning. Nothing wrong at all with her sleeping with you in the same bed for a while because of the circumstances. Eventually you guys can go back to sleeping separately and being normal as you can.

Sorry for your loss. It hurts like hell, but eventually you can remember the good times and smile when you think about your wife. The painful loss never goes away, but you will learn to deal with her absence.

jasee on 30/5/2007 at 00:02

Quote Posted by BrokenArts

We are here for you.

Every one of us.

I'm truly very sorry.

I think BrokenArts has given some good advice, something I 'm not very good at giving.

My son used to sleep in with us cos he was scared of being alone in his own room. We realised it had became a habit, and to get him back in his own bed we had to give him a mixture of comfort ("we are only next door",etc), reassurance (by letting him take us to his room and all checking under the bed and stuff), and giving him something to take to bed cuddle and hold - in his case a Woody figure (you know, from Toy Story) - he adores him.

I know the circumstances are totally different for you, but, well, it worked.

Your daughter is maybe, amongst many other things, afraid of losing you too, so maybe reassuring her that wont happen will help.

I wish you all the best

Jasee

BrokenArts on 30/5/2007 at 00:09

If there are other family members you can point out, that will be there for her too, and you as well, that would help in letting her know, she is not alone. You both are not alone in this, make that point perfectly clear. Is there grandparents nearby? Aunts, Uncles, counsins. Make sure she knows, people are there for you guys.

If you do let it go too long on the sleeping arrangment, it will be tougher later to deal with. Don't let it go too long, you are the boss, not her. Be there, and comfort. You set the rules.

I can sympathise, though my circumstance is not like yours. My divorce, which was utter hell, my 12 yr old slept with me for two nights. Its not that uncommon, it does happen. I am making sure she is also kept busy, and lots of other things, and allowed time talk, and to be quiet. Take it day by day. Be there for each other, as we are for you. :)

SubJeff on 30/5/2007 at 01:51

I'm sorry to hear of your loss glslvrfan. :( Glad to see you're keeping it together enough to be attending to your daughter.

fett on 30/5/2007 at 03:49

Can't imagine losing my wife glslvrfan - so sorry to hear it.

I've got two who are younger than yours (5 and 2), but I find that they have a tendency to let go of things or move on from crises and loss much more quickly than I do. That's not to say this won't be with your daughter for the rest of her life, but I'd be willing to bet that she's ready to go back to her own bed before you're ready for her to. You know how kids are, it takes time, but they just kind of decide one day they're ready to break away a little bit more and handle some things on their own. I'd definitely go slow and keep her close right now. She'll work through it at her own pace. And definitely follow your fatherly instincts - you know her better than anyone here does.

Again, so sorry to hear about your loss.