Dia on 9/6/2007 at 14:15
Well, hard to believe, but it's been a year today since my husband Bart (known as ‘akabart' here at TTLG) died. The past year has definitely been the most trying and challenging year of my life. There've been trials, traumas, and tribulations; but there have also been joys, satisfactions, and (small) accomplishments. Yet I still miss him so very much. It's difficult to overcome the grief and sorrow from the loss of the most unique person I've ever known and with whom I shared my life and love for 15 years. Yes, Bart was definitely a colorful character. I still have his paintings hanging on my walls, especially the ones that he did just for me (he said I was his inspiration - silly man). My kids and family have done their best to help fill the void his death left in my life and though I've been keeping busy lately, there's just no substitute that will do; nothing that will ease the emptiness that sometimes still creeps up on me in the dark hours, the quiet sadness that seems ever present deep down inside. Although those awful feelings have eased somewhat, they're still there; kind of lurking. The sharp edges have softened a bit, as have those piercing pangs and moments of panic, thank God. Fortunately, time does heal; just more slowly than I'd hoped (but then, I have the patience of a gnat sometimes).
Bart was so vibrant, so damned intelligent, so sensitive (overly so sometimes - during which he claimed artistic license as he did for everything from mismatched socks to a selective memory ;) ) and compassionate; with such a deliciously wicked sense of humor and absolutely bad-boy irreverence that he definitely took my breath away at times. He was also the most stubborn, argumentative, and competitive man I've ever known, which always compelled me to tease him unmercifully (he used to tell me that I was the meanest woman he knew - smiling while he said it - and called my kids ‘spawn of the Devil Woman'). Bart was, in a word, unforgettable.
Though I'm able to function in the real world in a somewhat normal fashion (well, normal for me, at least), I feel that I've been changed somewhere deep inside; as though there's a part of me that's gone missing for good. I didn't know that the death of a loved one could change you so, mark you, forever. Maybe it's because of the suddenness of his death, which left me stunned and devastated for so many long months. One morning he was there and a few hours later he just wasn't. Talk about getting blindsided.
Please don't think this is a bid for pity; no way, no how. It's just that on this of all days I felt the need to share my feelings with people I've considered friends, knowing that most of you would understand.
Anyhow, I was tinkering around in PhotoShop and this is what I ended up with. The saying that every picture tells a story is so true because there is a story behind each picture I chose to use. I guess these collages are a kind of a tribute to the man who was the love of my life and the bane of my existence (said in a most affectionate manner, mind you) for a good part of my life. Rest in peace, my love. I still miss you so.
Robert Bart Horn 1955 - 2006
Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/Collage4_8x10forphotobucket.jpgBart and his daughter, Gwen
Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/BartGwencollageforphotobucket.jpgBart and our favorite sprite, Kylie
Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/BartKycollageforphotobucket.jpgBart and his dreambike; the R1 (last photo ever taken of him; about a week before he died)
Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/BartandhisR1.jpgAnd life goes on.
fett on 9/6/2007 at 15:14
Hey Dia - my wife and I just celebrated our 15th last month, and believe it or not, we actually talked about you and Bart over dinner that evening. It was sort of the impetus for a long 'what if' discussion that ended well, but you were definitely on my mind that evening, and it seemed like it had already been a year but I couldn't remember exactly.
He seems like the kind of guy I would hang out with - especially the irreverent part, and I can almost tell from some of his facial expressions in those pictures what you mean by it. :sly:
Anyway, it's difficult over the internet because we've never met, but know that I rarely see your name on here without thinking of your loss, but not in pity, just thankfulness for all that I have. I also tend to seize up a little in panic when I think about what it would be like. If nothing else, your loss has given me a deeper appreciation for what's important in life. Hopefully that helps a little... :)
BrokenArts on 9/6/2007 at 16:24
Hugs to you Dia, thanks for sharing this with us. I know it's been a rough year for you. Nothing we can say will really ease the pain, except time. Your fond memories of Bart will come back even more, as time goes on. Just know, you aren't alone. :) Nice photochop BTW.
LesserFollies on 9/6/2007 at 17:03
He just shines out of those pictures, doesn't he? You've brought a lot of human warmth to this forum, Dia, and I know I speak for many when I say thank you for being here. *hug*
Dia on 9/6/2007 at 18:33
Thanks all. Your hugs definitely mean a lot; especially today.
Fett; you keep on cherishing your love. It's the most important thing in the whole world. And yes, it does help a bit when I know someone else realizes this before it's too late. We always told each other that we were each other's one true love and if there was ever any doubt in my mind before, there is none now. Random memories keep popping into my head today, such as how I used to wake up in the morning looking like Godzilla, and Bart would smile, kiss me, and tell me I was beautiful. And somehow now I know he really meant it (I always thought then that he was just being a smartass). Sad to think 15 years went by in the blink of an eye. I keep wishing we'd had just a little more time together. Just one more day. Or year. Or ten.
B'Arts, Vasquez, & L.F.; thank you and big hugs right back to you. (And Vas, I've got your number, you big softie! ;) )
Just got back from Best Buy where I ran across a cd of a very old band; the Psychedelic Furs. Bart used to play 'The Ghost in You' (which was an older song even then) and always said that song reminded him of his love for me. Now it reminds me of him.
Also ran across a picture of the two of us when we had been together for a few years and wanted to share. (It's about a hundred years old.) When we'd go dancing he'd tell me to wear higher heels, otherwise he'd say that we'd need walkie-talkies to communicate (I only came up to about his shoulder barefoot, which he seemed to find infinitely amusing). So that look on my face is either true love or absolute pain from the high heels. :cheeky: (I think I was also in the process of swallowing my gum at the moment the pic was taken.)
Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/img082b.jpgAnd you're right, L.F.; he shines out of those pictures the same way he used to shine in RL and still shines in my soul.
Aja on 9/6/2007 at 18:54
It's hard to believe it's been an entire year already :(
I can only hope that when the inevitable happens, I'll be able to cope as gracefully as you are. You've been an inspiration, and, though it must seem awfully unfair, a reassurance and reminder that life does go on, though sometimes I can't possibly imagine how.
You have my deepest condolences, Dia.
BrokenArts on 9/6/2007 at 19:42
I really like that picture of you two Dia, it's great shot. I just can't imagine.
demagogue on 9/6/2007 at 20:07
He really looks like he has the best heart in those pictures. Really. ...and something of a free spirit.
It's really touching how well you seem to have captured his life and personality with your collage ... it comes through.
I'm not sure I can offer many words for what today must mean for you, but a think it is a very moving and uplifting testament to read your post and notice that, after everything, you can manage to have more :) moments than :('s. It's heartwarming.
Hugs for you.
littlek on 9/6/2007 at 22:14
Dia, your description of your husband made me laugh. He is as colorful in personality as my husband. There are very few days where he does not make me laugh. In fact he is currently singing a silly song he just invented about not having supper on the table. There are some days where he can be a real butthead but those are becoming rare these days. Three weeks ago, I get called at work hearing “He’s OK but…...” All I could think about on my way to the hospital was that I was in such a hurry to get to work that I roared out of the garage without our normal kiss goodbye. Your thoughts about your husband truly touched me and really hit home. I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing.
