Paz on 14/11/2007 at 19:22

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This was, of course, a lie. And Bob never did get Issue 2. Sorry man :(

BUT, it all turned out ok in the end because we joined (http://www.eurogamer.net/index.php?platform=retro) Eurogamer instead. Where everyone can read everything for free. Which is the reason for this self-promotional bump. The other reason is because one of my (http://www.eurogamer.net/article.php?article_id=87557) things has pride of place at the moment.

Tsk, vanity eh?

As a SPECIAL BONUS to you nice people, here is some Issue 3 "content" which is now quite unlikely to see the light of day (it probably wouldn't fit in with the Eurogamer stuff).

It's Sabreman's Diary ... Part 2! Apologies for any slight errors, it never went through any sort of editing process. Apologies too if you've never played Underwurlde, because it'll make no sense at all:


Underneath grand castle floors
In caverns lost to nature’s laws
Are scattered thoughts on pages old
Of one who passed through feeling bold
A legend now at last unfurled
As Sabre Man joins the Underwurlde


Day Twenty Five: Only now do I find myself calm enough to relate the full details of my ingenious escape from the jaws of that gigantic blue Wulf. Thinking fast, I was able to fashion my trusty sabre into the crude shape of a young caribou. When combined with some mud, leaves and my superior arts and crafts skills, this proved ample distraction for the howling horror - which proceeded to spend many an hours trying to separate my metallic creation off from the rest of the herd. Alas, I have forfeited my sword, but am comforted by the knowledge that my deadly adversary may accidentally impale himself while snacking. Once I was free of this danger, I was able to explain to the dancing native guarding the jungle exit that he was a terribly outdated cultural stereotype. He fled weeping in disgrace.


Day Twenty Six: What I had taken for a local Travelodge has turned out to be an extremely spooky castle. On reflection, I should have paid more heed to the dramatic lightning arcs which played around the crooked spires and less to their competitive room rates. Truly, I am now in hell. Interior design hell, that is. Who else but Beelzebub himself would have decided upon wall-to-wall magenta carpets with turquoise piping? At least I am armed again. Though what use this schoolboyish catapult will be against the hordes of darkness, I cannot say.


Day Twenty Eight: The furniture in this establishment towers above mere mortal men. I have taken shelter beneath a monstrous table to compose this entry on the nature of the foul beasts which patrol the rooms and corridors of my stone-clad prison. Fortuitously, my slingshot has proved adequate against the never-ending swarms ... so far. It would seem that my adversaries consist mostly of huge mutated grasshoppers and terrifying jellyfish, with flapping tendrils as long as my arm. Were they not attempting to sting me and absorb my face, I would have wished to conduct further scientific study into their amazing ability to survive in the open air.


Day Twenty Nine: Yet more scientific mysteries have presented themselves to me. As I was studying one of the myriad of clocks which populate the walls of this ghastly palace, I was set upon by a multi-coloured grasshopper attack squad. Rather than feeding upon my delicate flesh, the wretched creatures engaged in some kind of nightmarish sport - buffeting and bouncing me off any nearby objects until the breath was completely squeezed from my shattered body. Quite apart from this traumatising experience, my curiosity was aroused by the repetitive sound of lightly tapped glass which accompanied the whole affair. Only later, when I accidentally stumbled into massive dressing table, did I realise that even the briefest of collisions would cause these noises to emit from my own body. How perplexing.


Day Thirty: Wonder upon wonder! I have discovered what appears to be a massive network of caves beneath this nightmarish fortress, carved from the purest of yellow sandstone; whether by human hand or natural elements, I cannot say. In my brief explorations I have already witnessed chambers of unimaginable size, stretching into pitch darkness in both directions. Stranger still, the uneven base of each of these areas appears to heave and buckle, as if resisting some tremendous pressure being exerted from deep below the surface. As I stood watching this phenomena, a vast spherical bubble was belched out from inside the very earth itself. Truly, I must confess to being awe-struck by this fantastic vision. So much so, for a while I did not notice that whenever I find cause to jump into the air I am accompanied by a curious squeaking sound. As if the soles of my boots are padded with captive guinea pigs for extra bounce.


Day Thirty Three: Alas, my inquisitive desire to learn more about the unnatural geysers may have cost me my life. As I stooped to examine one of the volcanic nodules there came a sudden rumbling and another erupted from beneath my feet - propelling me upwards on a gaseous orb. Hours passed as I clung to the rubbery exterior of my ride, fearing the worst. Though as my anxiety gradually abated, I caught a glimpse of salvation; the upper floors of the stronghold were uneasily veering into view. At that precise moment a deafening squawk cut short my hope and I was snatched into the air by the claws of a powerful bird. He seemed to toy cruelly with my emotions, at first lifting me closer to safety before suddenly releasing me to my doom. I have been falling now for two whole days.


Day Thirty Four: Ok, make that three days.


Day Thirty Five: I’m sure I wasn’t this high up. Oh well, back to screaming in terror.


Day Thirty Six: Joyous day! Fate has wrapped me up in her comforting arms and smothered my face in the bosom of good fortune. My perpetual tumbling carried me into a stray jellyfish, resulting in a ricochet of epic proportions and firing my hollering frame onto a nearby ledge bathed in a light blue glow. Instinctively I grasped the source of this emission, which proved to be a gemstone blessed with the same properties as certain leafy orchids encountered during my jungle adventures. With performance enhancing drugs coursing through my veins, my fragile spine’s introduction to the ground passed mercifully without incident. I am alive!


Day Thirty Eight: Alive I may be, yet still I remain trapped deep within the bowels of this maze of caverns. I pass the time by discussing the works of Franz Kafka with a corpulent beetle I have befriended of late. In truth he is fearsomely smug and I wish to be rid of him, but he has wedged himself beneath a convenient rock formation which prevents me from simply leaping over his head. My catapult has proved useless against his magnificent carapace. If only I had a more robust weapon ... If only I could find a way to climb out of these depths ...


Hope you enjoyed that on some level! If it suddenly gets dug up to be re-used then I might have to mysteriously "disappear" it at a later date.