SubvertizingOrg on 1/12/2022 at 05:12

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I want to suffer

but much more than that

I want all of my suffering to be my own fault

I want to be isolated

And I want to have isolated myself, to the greatest extent possible

I want to be alienated

And I want to push my own alienation to the greatest extreme possible

I don't want to be understood by any other human in this world; I've always known I can't be

I've always know that I'm the ultimate human anomaly

And if I ever wasn't, it was always my will to become it

I don't want to talk, ever

I hate human language to the core. It doesn't create understanding, it rapes understanding

I don't want comfort, ever

Comfort is mind-numbing. Knowledge is uncomfortable

And I want to know. I want to know everything, about myself, and this world

I'm a total whore for knowledge

And I already know that knowledge is no end, has no end

But is only a constant, endless, eternal state of discomfort and suffering

I want to exist in that knowledge for eternity

I want to be engulfed in that discomfort for eternity

I want to be engulfed in that fire for eternity


I don't want to understand, I only want to love

I don't want to be understood, I only want to be loved

I want to know myself; I don't want to know God

I want to understand myself; I don't want to understand God

I want to take full responsibility for this world, and relieve all others of their guilt

I want to take their guilt as my own, to feel their guilt as my own

And I want everyone else to be forgiven and loved

As I burn for eternity, knowing that I am also loved

:angel::ebil:

SubvertizingOrg on 1/12/2022 at 05:27

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And please, no one suggest that I "get help". Help from where? From who? There is no one who can help me. The only people who can actually verify what has been going on with all the constantly up-in-my-ass spying on me are people who would never admit to it, who never talk to me, and will always pretend they don't know what I'm talking about if asked.

SubvertizingOrg on 1/12/2022 at 10:18

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You know Qooper, a friend would be wonderful right now. One who...actually relates to me on some marginal level, who has some semblance of overlapping interests with me, kinda likes some of the things I like and/or at least is marginally familiar with some of them, etc.

...but more importantly than that is actually interested in/not afraid of direct open communication, kinda like what happened between humans before electronics and information technology enslaved our minds. And someone who just...doesn't judge, or get upset at trivial things, or is so sensitive to dark music that they get super uncomfortable and start complaining when they hear it, etc etc.

I mean I had a friend like that—still a friend but he lives thousands of miles away now and we haven't seen each other in the flesh in 5 years.

And much like your story, we rarely talked to each other. We lived with each other for some time but we minded each other's business, in the same room all day, whatever. And we'd share music with each other, show each other the games we were playing, sometimes I'd learn how to play his game or he'd learn how to play mine and we'd get interested, have the occasional competition, etc. We'd pass random philosophical thoughts across each other whenever we felt it, expressed what we needed to express, made each other think from time to time. And every once and a while he'd turn me on to a strategic board game that involved a lot of thought. He'd challenge me. And such. Yet most of the time we'd keep to ourselves, living in the same room. It was very peaceful indeed.

Thank you for your message Qooper, it means the world to me. It takes someone real not to just ignore a thread like this, actually read and reply kindly without needing some further context which I couldn't provide if given a week to if I wanted to.

But yeah a friend would more than help right now, someone who isn't me (cause I'm more than sick of myself, and I'm more than sick of masturbating to videos of me masturbating to distract myself from the fact that there are no interesting--ahem excuse me no reasonable, kind, accepting and humane people in my life right now.

(—excluding my family, but family is different. They can't be that friend, perhaps because they love me too much.)

Why do you ask? You couldn't be that friend, could you? You seem a solid candidate based on the few but powerful :angel: words you've said. But we're all busy with our own lives last time I checked.

I don't know who you are Qooper but please keep looking out for me as such yes? <3

heywood on 1/12/2022 at 16:49

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Some people are good at keeping friends when they are far away in time or distance. I am not. And it's hard to avoid depression if you don't have somebody who you can hang out with. But you already knew that.

When I've moved and felt lonely, I've joined a local group or taken up an activity to do with others. It doesn't have to be something you're passionate about, just something that you could be interested in sharing with others.

Volunteer work is also a great way to keep your sanity and meet people. Got a local soup kitchen or food pantry? If you have skills, there's Habitat for Humanity.

SubvertizingOrg on 1/12/2022 at 18:15

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I'm just grateful that you took the time to reply. Traveling is something I did a lot of and them some in my early twenties, when I had the freedom to do so, rest assured. That was when I had a car, and a dad that paid for all my gas money. I had plenty of adventures. If I recall correctly, it was right after I lost the means and time for that travel ~2013 that I created my first account here as DoTheGeek. And then there was 2014...the beginning of working life for me, having no SKILLZ or MERITZ that are valued in this *ahem sorry but* dumbass consumerist society that I found myself having to navigate in for survival. And so began my first long streak of depression as a person who'd have worsening bipolar disorder from then on.

But believe me when I say I've done my share of traveling and adventures, and had perhaps more than my share of enjoyment in it, usually with my two best friends Olivia and Brendan who remain best friends to this day, despite not having talked to them in years.