Now I know why I drink... - by Queue
Queue on 11/9/2009 at 16:27
...because God hates me.
All I want is my daily piece of watermelon for lunch, that's all, one lousing chuck of drippy red fruit. But no, this has to become an exercise in Chaplinian hijinx.
So I stand the butt end of my watermelon, after removing it from the fridge, on the counter atop the cutting board; so its juice doesn't run everywhere when I cut into it. But, the knife that's large enough to do the job is still in the sink. As I turn to retrieve said knife, the cat decides, which it never does, that this is a great fucking time to jump up on the counter to see what I'm doing--thus knocking the watermelon off onto the floor, where it erupts like Kennedy's head. (Not Ted, dumbass.)
After about five minutes of cleaning debris and stickiness, I have the melon back on the board, and, though a bit loose, I can now slice off a piece. Careful now-- Success. The piece has been cut and safely transfered into a bowl.
Since I'm starving, one little bite before sitting down at the table can't hurt, right? Of course the chunk falls off the fork, onto my sock, then the floor--causing the cat to pounce at the fallen piece. Dammit!
I shooed the cat away and cleaned that mess. But then I noticed the just how much juice was on the cutting board. So I carefully picked it up to dump it in the sink (which is behind me, to the left, as the counter wraps around), without realizing just how juice is under the cutting board--which is now dripping across the floor and onto my other sock.
At this point, I threw the cutting board into the sink, breaking a glass, ripped my socks off, screamed, threw them at the cat (which pounces upon them and is currently batting my watermelon soaked, disgusting smelling socks around the house), and decided I better not do anything else other than sitting down and eating.
Somehow, I bobbled the bowl and dropped the slice of watermelon onto the floor.
I want to bite the fucking cat in the face.
aguywhoplaysthief on 11/9/2009 at 16:48
That's pretty unlucky - I think we all have days that like sometimes, and they are rather frustrating.
That being said, you're also clumsy :)
Thief13x on 11/9/2009 at 17:37
haha nice! when it rains it pours no doubt...this same thing happens to me but it's always my shitty ass laptop acting up when I actually need to get something done in a time crunch
fett on 11/9/2009 at 17:58
Was this the cause or effect of the drinking?
Sulphur on 11/9/2009 at 18:13
Well, see, Queue, this is the sort of thing that's best handled by the lady of the house. The delicate precision my mom used to carve out slices of melon with is something only the fairer sex is gifted enough to wield.
We're better off using our clumsy paws to whack the tops off coconuts and crush eggs between, before we're shooed away from the kitchen and into the yard to chop and skewer and raze and barbeque various things as well as we can to make up for our natural culinary inadequacies.
Wrestle on 11/9/2009 at 18:26
I once shagged a microwaved Water-Melon I thought that the center would be nice and squishy and warm... it was warm... in fact.. bloody HOT... and the speedy withdrawal brought tears to my eyes as the rather pointy pips/seeds that had moved out of the way as i entered it decided that they were going to act as pointy ratchet-pawls on the way out.
So remember. When shagging water-melons:
1. Use a slow warm-up time: don't nuke it for 2 minutes at 900W: The core temp can scald your bell-end before you mange to react.
2. A meat thermometer (no, that's not slang for your cock) can be used to check core-temp.
3. Don't enter it along the core Axis. In fact.. Avoid the core altogether. It is the axis of pip-evil.. If you make your entry parallel to the core-axis, you can bore more holes and re-use the melon more than once.
4. If using a melon more than once as I suggest in step 2... don't come inside it: Microwaving 1-week-old come/melon-juice is... uncool.
Hmm... Got a little bit weird there...
IF you need to apologize for lack of length, try a cantaloupe: you con't need to buy a bowling-ball bag for the smaller melons and you won't need to convince your mum that you're a bowler.
Starrfall on 11/9/2009 at 18:33
Clearly the remedy for Queue's misery is to make a vodka watermelon and get the best of both worlds!
Enchantermon on 11/9/2009 at 18:34
I dropped a watermelon in the garage once (transferring it from the outdoor fridge to the indoor one). Mom wasn't too happy about that...
Sorry to hear about your day, though. :erg:
Quote Posted by Wrestle
Hmm... Got a little bit weird there...
Understatement of the
millennium. :weird:
