Gingerbread Man on 7/2/2005 at 04:55

---

You are going to do this. You are NOT going to ask questions.

You do remember who I am, right? And you do remember that I have NEVER steered you wrong.

So, you are going to need some pork.

You knew it was going to start like that, didn't you?

Pork tenderloin is my preference. I don't know how commonplace it is in other Lands, but here the pork tenderloin is more available than the skinless / boneless chicken breasts you sad excuses for cooks swear by. SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION.

Pork tenderloin. Strip the silverback as best you can if you want, though I tend to leave it mostly intact. Fat is flavour, we all know this (hippy asshats be DAMNED), and we shall endeavour to make the tastiest goddamned thing on the PLANET.

What goes well with pork? Salt, for one thing. Heed me well: There is no such thing as too much salt when it comes to pork. Seriously. You will be sprinking salt, shaking salt, POURING salt, and getting to the point where your nervous system is screeching NO NO NO TOO MUCH TOO MUCH JESUS CHRIST... but don't you even come close to worrying. Don't you DARE.

Pork likes salt like I like the blowjobs. Yes? Claro?

Anyway, you had better be of the opinion that salt / pepper are the very least you should do to anything. Those two are the Assumed Seasonings. You ever see "season as necessary" you had better know that means salt and pepper. If you don't know that, you do now. And if you still don't get it, get the fuck off my planet. Dig?

Um.

Pork tenderloin. mmmmm... I have spent a lifetime telling children that it is eel, just to make them scrunch their faces up like they have just eaten a lime. But then, I also tell them that me and Bill built the moon in 1977 out of Lego and chewing gum. They ought to know better by now.

Pork loves salt, and pork loves pepper. Pork loves FIRE, but since Certain People won't let me build a fire pit in the living room, I'm left with an oven. Faghats.

Sage.

We know sage, right? Stuffing and turkey and chicken and whatnot... Use it on pork. Always use it on pork. Slash the outside of the tenderloin lightly, and rub that sage right in there. Treat it like your lover's thighs. Sage and olive oil and salt and garlic. Massage it, rub it... If you don't get an erection, you ain't doing it properly.

Pop that motherfucker in the oven. 400 degrees, boi. HOT LIKE BUSTER POINDEXTER. Foil underneath, but not on top... you want it to crust up, yes?

For extra yum, slather the bastard in lard or butter.

NEXT

See, the pork is only the start. Oh yes. The most part involves something to make you wet your pants in gastronorgasm, mes amis. You want a small saucepan, and you want to squeeze about a half-cup of maple syrup into it.

I understand that nowhere in the world does maple syrup like we here in Canada do. And I weep for you. I have torn buckets from trunks, bent backwards to suck the sap fresh from living wood... I have boiled it myself, poured it on snow as fresh white as a bridal gown, and swirled it into toffee before jamming it in my salivating mouth. But, and this is lucky for you, what you want is fake maple-flavoured Aunt Jemima-Style syrup.

And you want to warm it through slowly, like on TWO on the dial, for about ten minutes. Get it all thin and slick. Splash a bit of apple cider vinegar in it, drop a bit of salt and pepper, stir and stir and stir and stir. When it's all mixed nice, splash two splashes of balsamic vinegar and a tiny squeeze of lemon juice, and let it warm through. It'll get nice and thin, and it'll make your kitchen smell like Fort Henry.

So, the pork is roasting, the sauce is swirling, and you've got a side dish to make. Easy beans, as long as you pay attention to me.

Two potatoes for each person. Nice starchy yellow potatoes. Yukon Golds or similar. Something with thin, buttery skin. You want to boil them until they are fork-tender.

While that's going, you're on a mission to prepare a gremolade. Not a big deal, just zest a lemon, squeeze the juice, chop some parsley really fine, and get some garlic down to the consistency of sand. Bit of salt, and a bit of olive oil. Mix all up in a bowl and set aside. Voila gremolade.

Pork should be about fifteen or twenty minutes in by this point. Turn it over.

Once the potatoes are soft, shock them hardcore in an ice bath. Ice cubes, water, big bowl. This isn't rocket science, mister.

While they cool, you are heating up a half-inch deep pan of oil aren't you? I knew you were.

First you are going to gently squash the potatoes... Just enough to slightly flatten them, break the skins, and make them like potatoes that have been stepped on by a midget, yes?

Then you're going to slip the potatoes into the oil (dropping them AWAY FROM YOU so you don't boil your fool ass) and let them crisp up brown and lovely. Then you're going to retrieve them, blot them lightly, and get that gremolade all over their yummy skins. This is what's called Potatoes da Delphina, and I saw it on TV (so you know it has to be true)

Meanwhile, stir and slither the sauce. Keep it mixed and slippery maple.

Anyway, once the pork is done (say 40 minutes or so) give it a sear in a hot HOT pan just to crust it properly. Yank it out after two minutes maximum, and let it rest.

Jesus Christ if there was one thing I could hammer through everyone's head, it would be LET IT REST.

See, you cook meat and it gets all destabilised. Juice everywhere. See what happens when you cut meat fresh from the hot? WET ALL OVER THE CUTTING BOARD. Let it sit, let it reabsorb the juice back into the muscle. I know you want to get it while it's HOT HOT BUSTER POINDEXTER HOT but fucking HOLD ON. Let it rest, seriously. Slap some foil over it and stop trying to touch it. I see you.

Once it's rested five or ten minutes, slice it into medallions on the bias. Just looks better. Then spoon the sauce on it... the sweetness of the maple along with the crunchy bitter of the sage crust is just pants-wetting. And the potatoes... mmmm the potatoes.

Recommended drink: Sauvignon blanc.

GO AND DO THIS.

NOW

Tocky on 7/2/2005 at 05:40

---

I got so excited reading this I blew it by eating a cold sub. I'm such a slut.

Gingerbread Man on 7/2/2005 at 06:07

---

Because pork belly is for fags.

YOU HEARD ME

Wyclef on 7/2/2005 at 06:18

---

Pork bellies are for futures trading.

I have some cuts of pork in the freezer. I suppose I'll do this much, but no more: Note that I cut out the erection and the rest of the preparation because it's too much effort. The preparation, I mean; I can achieve an erection with a THOUGHT.

I'm also going to use a Foreman Grill. I'm not sure whether that makes me a vulgarian or not.

Sage, olive oil, salt, garlic: got it.

Gingerbread Man on 7/2/2005 at 06:35

---

Get in line, bitch.

>:D