SubJeff on 10/1/2009 at 11:18
Simple and sweet. I quite liked it. Yeah yeah its flawed, but the backbone is nice.
Quote:
Get David Lynch to shoot this and you are in business
Oooooh yeah. Mind you I think Lynch (or Cronenberg) could make something out of most nothings. I so wish one of them had done Transformers (as I'm always saying).
37637598 on 10/1/2009 at 17:17
Quote Posted by Kolya
Okay for a start, that suicide is seen 3 times if I remember correctly. That's too much. Make it one time and make it count. You could reverse the whole story, start with the guy alone in the park reading a newspaper he found on a bench.
I really like this idea! I've always liked movies that start backwards and sort out at the end when they return to the opening scene and show the rest of it. I'm trying to sort it in my head this way... Do you mean it whould start with brad reading the newspaper and seeing her suicide? if i do it this way, I'm not sure how I can keep it a secret that she actually dies until near the end... I want that to jump out and hit people once they've fallen in love with the character. I'll have to toy around with how this can be done... Feel free to re-sort it yourself, that might help me.
Quote Posted by Kolya
Then flash back to a scene where they were both at school. That part gets narrated in your script but you should show it. She might see him with his then-girlfriend and witness her breaking up with him, silently listening. The next day he doesn't show up. Then start the actual story at her home, try to explain the troubles with her dad a bit, it's all very sketchy now. And so on, til you're back with him in the park and the audience realizes what has happened.
Oh and please change the names for some everyday names, people will be able to relate better to your characters.
I like the flashback to school days idea as well, though if I give him an ex girlfriend, I might have a harder time showing that he is in love with Alyssa, since he's supposed to have this secret crush on her.
As this is my first screenplay, I honestly had no idea how I'm supposed to write it, so many things are left un-explained which have explinations in my head... Such as her fighting with her dad, I plan to make those scenes a lot more than just "he yells, she ignores". I want there to be strong dialogue which shows that her dad is an alcoholic and her mom is in drug rehab.. something along those lines. It may broaden the chances for people to relate to her troubles.
On the names issue, Alyssa topped at #16 for the most used names of 2008: (
http://www.innocentenglish.com/popular-boy-girl-baby-names/popular-baby-names-2005.html)
However, Brad I agree might need some re-cap. I appreciate the wonderful Ideas, this gives me something to work with! I have much brainstorming and sorting to consider and play around with. Any other ideas or flaws, or mistakes noticed, will be seen to and appreciated!
Thanks everyone for the compliments and for taking the time to read a piece of my messed up thoughts!
Kolya on 10/1/2009 at 18:06
Quote Posted by 37637598
Do you mean it whould start with brad reading the newspaper and seeing her suicide? if i do it this way, I'm not sure how I can keep it a secret that she actually dies until near the end...
Headlines rarely name suicides. And even when it dawns on the audience that she's the one who died at the start...by then you will have them so captured with your characters, that they will
want to believe that this is just a dramatic movie-trick in a "Haha, she's still alive! Here comes the happy end!" kinda way. So don't worry too much about keeping it a secret.
You could expand the framing story a bit by getting him arrested at the start, after he reads the newspaper, for supposedly being involved in her suicide, and thrown into jail where he hesitatingly tells the whole thing to that beautiful lawyer chick. ;) Or make it a fatherly old man if you prefer that.
The scene with his ex could be replaced by any scene where he suffers a drawback and she sympathizes with him from afar. Say he gets punched up. I'm sure you have ideas for that.
37637598 on 10/1/2009 at 18:33
So it would go something like this:
Open with him reading the newspaper and suddenly seeing her suicide story, at which point he is horrified, then cut to:
School scene, to show that him and her knew eachother.
hmm... I can't think of how I would then go to her 'dream' we'll call it. so after the school scene... I could have one of those "One year later" titles. Then show her taking pills and having the dream, then show them meeting and falling in love, then cut back to her and the medics trying to revive her as she flatlines (I know I'm returning to this, but I believe it's the most effective way), then cut to him passing the corner where they would have met, picking up a newspaper, and seeing her suicide story, and re-show that scene so you then understand... but this time, the narration might be playing during-
lol is that at all what you had in mind? I kind of like it! but I'm curious if I got what you're saying correctly.
SubJeff on 10/1/2009 at 19:02
Quote Posted by 37637598
Open with him reading the newspaper and suddenly seeing her suicide story, at which point he is horrified, then cut to:
School scene, to show that him and her knew eachother.
This would make it obvious that she is the suicide girl.
I think we've seen enough twists as to be very suspicious. It's hard to get a good twist in. I notice small things like small pauses on seemingly insignificant objects or small inconsistencies in order to 2nd guess the film makers now. In fact I can't remember the last time I didn't see it coming. The Mist perhaps but that's not a twist per se.
Kolya on 10/1/2009 at 19:39
37637598: Yeah kinda like that. Of course it's just ideas, work with it.
Have you ever seen (
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099871/) Jacob's Ladder by the way? It has a similar basic plot and it's an excellent movie, albeit more in the horror genre.
Subjective Effect: It was pretty clear in the original draft that she dies, not? I thought the twist was rather that most of the things shown never happened. But anyway, just leave out the newspaper if necessary.
37637598 on 10/1/2009 at 19:59
I haven't seen jacobs ladder, though I've heard it's an amazing movie by many different people.
The big twist really IS that none of it happened. You're supposed to believe that she fell asleep from the drugs, then actually woke up. So when you find out that she was having a dream the whole time, you realize the point of the story. No second chance.
june gloom on 10/1/2009 at 20:18
Nobody is allowed to declare themselves a Silent Hill fan until they've seen Jacob's Ladder. That movie is very influential on Japanese horror, which has spent the last 20 years or so ripping it off. And of course now American horror movies all rip off Japanese horror, so it's kind of this circle of derivativation.
Scots Taffer on 10/1/2009 at 23:34
Quote Posted by dethtoll
derivativation
what
As for the short screenplay... yeah, it's a bit trite and unrealistic.
