Fingernail on 9/1/2009 at 22:48
Dear sir,
My name is General-Lieutenant Prince Agbooka VII. I am film producer from Nigeria. I am interested in producing this short film project. The film industry in my country is quite excellent except due to a recent military coup, no more films can be produced as all actors have been liquidated. So I have a massive surplus budget in my department of $100,000,000 which I need to transfer to a director before the end of this tax year, or my life will be forfeit, along with the lives of all my family and friends. Therefore I need you to send your bank account details so I can send you this money to produce your film "Vincent Ryan".
Yours sincerely,
Fingernail on 9/1/2009 at 22:50
Also "Alyssa", is this the biopic of NovaICE?
Kolya on 9/1/2009 at 23:10
37637598, why did you post this here? You knew how this would end right?
So I read your screenplay... and it doesn't make much sense, the dialogue is horrid as you said yourself and it's overly, unrealistically romantic.
In other words, I like it. But that's just me, and you will still get torn apart for this. Take it lightly, I hope you're prepared. Take care.
pavlovscat on 9/1/2009 at 23:15
Tragic. Truly tragic.
Queue on 9/1/2009 at 23:28
Was this a joke?
Please tell me it was.
Please.
LesserFollies on 9/1/2009 at 23:36
Aw, it wasn't all THAT bad. I've seen worse filmed for the old Afterschool Specials. No reason not to keep writing, if you enjoy it. :)
37637598 on 10/1/2009 at 03:16
Well you see, this, being a screenplay, is really more of an outline. I wrote it in one night. I've haven't written a story in well over 3 years. Now that I have this outline, I can have someone with amazing grammar and speech go over the scripts, and re-write the dialogue. The shooting style of this movie will play a key role in how the story is presented. 80% of the film is just scenes of the two main characters together, 80% of the film has no dialogue, 80% of the film, isn't even portreyed in the script, but now that I have it written out, I can mold it from being an ugly, hairy ball of all the playdough colors mixed that no-one wants, into qa story that anyone with a past relationship can relate to in a small sense.
In other words, I know I suck, and I'm depending on everyone else to correct it. So far I have only recieved little criticism, though I believe the script deserves more disses than the entire fox writing staff.
haha thanks Kolya, I posted it here because I know there are a lot of literature nerds who know their shit, and those are the people who's opinions I take seriously. I don't read enough, nor is my vocabulary sufficient enough to keep anyone more intelligent than my left thumb interested.
Kolya on 10/1/2009 at 05:00
Okay for a start, that suicide is seen 3 times if I remember correctly. That's too much. Make it one time and make it count. You could reverse the whole story, start with the guy alone in the park reading a newspaper he found on a bench. Then flash back to a scene where they were both at school. That part gets narrated in your script but you should show it. She might see him with his then-girlfriend and witness her breaking up with him, silently listening. The next day he doesn't show up. Then start the actual story at her home, try to explain the troubles with her dad a bit, it's all very sketchy now. And so on, til you're back with him in the park and the audience realizes what has happened.
Oh and please change the names for some everyday names, people will be able to relate better to your characters.
EDIT: What I mean is, Brad and Alyssa Styles sound like the couple that wins prom night. Sarah, Michael, whatever, those boring normal names are more appropriate for the people you write about.
Aja on 10/1/2009 at 10:11
Get David Lynch to shoot this and you are in business
(for the record I study literature and i thought it was kinda good too)
If you want real critical feedback I'll have to read it a few more times. But right now it's three in the morning and I just can't manage that.
