Let's talk about our mental disorders, emotional hardships, treatments? - by MriyaMachine
MriyaMachine on 15/5/2022 at 05:22
In the beginning phase of Covid, my dad said something that I'm proud of him for. He had read somewhere about how the pandemic was causing a "pandemic of depression", and it was clear that it was hitting home with him as well. But he told me "if one good thing has come out of this pandemic, it's all the depression". A strange thing to say in a positive light, I know. And he's a traditional conservative kind of guy, but he's also open-minded and has a big heart. And he talked to me about the depression pandemic as if it was something society needed as a kind of wake up call. He had seen me go through my years of depression and understood why I was here. And it seemed he genuinely wanted for people to understand the same kind of depressive experiences as I had had. He's always been a very positive person himself, and I admire him for coming around to the fact that while depression is undesirable for everyone, it's very often justified. We've entered an age where everyone with a brain cell understands that mental illness isn't something wrong with oneself, it points to something about the world and what it can do to people.
I'm diagnosed bipolar and OCD, but I've proven to have taken a good handle on them over time, learning more about my own mind every day and learning how to have control over my own thoughts in the moment.
What kinds of battles have you guys had to fight with your own minds? I'm curious how many neuroatypical members we have here. (If it's not a lot I won't be too disappointed }:} But I've just really always been interested in the phenomenon of alienation and how far it's gone in today's world. And ONE good thing about these times is that we can speak openly about these things now with no worry and no bullshit.
What kind of treatments have you tried, and which have failed and which have succeeded? Be it a drug or an activity, a frame of mind of a lifestyle change. I can talk about my own experiences in this sector for a while, but I want to just open the floor up to all of you ttlgers for now…
Tocky on 16/5/2022 at 02:08
Being depressed seems a natural enough response to the cruelty and selfishness in the world. I try to avoid it. I worry it is sneaking up on me again. I've likened it to a black hole and I can feel it's pull. I just have to stay away from the event horizon. Good friends help. Doing good for others helps. It's a horrible place to have to crawl out of but caring for others and knowing they care back is the best boost out. Always remember there is a lot of good in the world and if you have to suffer because of the bad then there are those who share your plight. It's a fight we all fight. I fight in silence mostly. I have to appear infallible and solid and mostly I am. But every now and then I suffer too. I think we all have our triggers. For some I don't know how the hell they tie their shoes and go out into the day after the things they have suffered. I try to remember their courage. My pain is paltry in comparison.
Want to hear the one thing I'm OCD about? Coat hangers. The hangers must be the same color as the shirt. It's not just that but the exceptions which make it OCD. Wire hangers are neutral as are clear and can go with anything. Near colors are okay. In a pinch pink can go with red or even orange because there is red in it. Wood hangers are mostly for tan but suit coats are okay with them despite color. Sometimes I have to buy more of a particular color before I can hang them though. In the old days all hangers were wire and therefore all neutral and okay.
Gray on 19/5/2022 at 22:43
You may be right in that Covid has made it easier to talk about your problems. However, I'm old, and I've been whining about mine for decades, as any TTLG:er patient enough to give a rat's ass might remember.
My story is long and not very interesting, so I'll try to be brief. 20 years of illness, dead wife, stuck in a foreign country where everything sucks. There. That was shorter than I planned.
But my point is this. In my parents' generation, they never spoke openly about their issues. I've discussed it with my brothers, and we'd agreed that my father was probably quite depressed for at least the 30 years I was aware, probably much longer. My mother probably had some OCD issues before that was even named as a thing. These are not new issues. All of mankind have probably had them forever, for as long as we have had consciousness. I'm quite happy to whine on and on about MY problems, but most people don't want to hear it, because they're busy with THEIR problems, so I talk less about it now. But give me an opening, and I'll talk your ears off for six hours straight. My mother, it took her about 60 years to admit something wasn't quite right. My dad never has.
On a more personal note, I've only very recently realised I probably have some issues with depression. I didn't use to, I just hated modern life as per default as it was so blatantly awful. But 20 years of hard illness is not very enjoyable. Most days you're just waiting for death, to make the pain stop. But about 3-4 times a day, you actively HOPE for death, because the pain is so intolerable. But then it passes, and you're back to just waiting for death again. It's not that I have any plans to kill myself, I don't want to die, I'm quite eager to see where the future takes me, but living with constant pain really is quite difficult, and everybody will have their weak moments when dark thoughts will come. And then pass. And then you'll feel better. Anybody who lives with chronic pain will know this. You just want the pain to stop, so that you can get back to living your normal life again. Not that I can remember what it felt like to be normal, but I imagine it would be like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, and you can breathe like normal again, whatever that is.
Today, I went up to my step daughter's house to babysit the new puppy. We went for a walk in the sunshine. Granted, I picked up her stinky poop, not glamorous. But then we ran across the green grass in the sun, throwing sticks, me chasing the puppy. A moment of pure joy. And if a grumpy old miserable cynical sarcastic bastard like me, AND allergic to dogs, can have that moment of sunshine, love, happiness... life is worth living. Even if you have to suffer through the pain of the other 99% of the time. We had a wonderful hour in the sun. Her unconditional love for someone who, at best, is a weird uncle, and me totally in love with this little cute furball who will bite my hand and make me sneeze and quite literally have to pick up her shit. She's still adorable.
[Edit]
I can't remember who said it now, but it was probably George Carlin or Bill Hicks, or maybe they just quoted someone else. "If you're not depressed then you're not paying attention."
[Edit again]
Regarding treatment, I can't say I've had anything useful. I had ONE session with a therapist 30 years ago, who said he'd call me back but never did, thereby completely misunderstanding how depression works. And more recently, after my wife died, I went to grief sessions at the hospice where she died, but there was no discussion, just basically showing videos about the definition of grief, as if we all didn't already know. It was all non-religious, but still had a very churchy non-denominational feel to it, which did not help me at all, being the hard atheist bastard that I am. In my head, my wife did not go to a better place, she ceased to exist. Pretending her spirit lived on did not help me at all, I was there when she died, I counted her last breaths and I was the one who clocked her time of death. I still have some of her ashes in a jar. That's where she is, not up in some heavenly paradise, having gin & tonic with John Lennon and Nelson Mandela. And every year on her birthday, our wedding anniversary, and her death day, I bring her favourite flowers to the tree where most of her other ashes were scattered. And then I update the tree on recent family events, because I'm delusional and I need to vent. But not delusional enough to think she's still there, hearing me. It's just me, talking to myself, trying to process my grief. She's gone. No soul, no spirit, no ghost. As her body died, so did everything that was her. And also all my reasons for staying in this backwards Brexit hellhole. Literally decades behind actual civilisation.
For many years, I was prescribed all sorts of medications, none of which worked in the slightest, they just had all sorts of unpleasant side effects. But there was one that really worried me. Zoloft. That one really messed with my head, I could feel my personality change. It didn't help at all, it just made me fear what this strange pill was doing to my head. I could feel as if I was turning into something from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It scared the living shit out if me, in more ways than one. Loose stool was an unpleasant side effect, and metaphorically, very apt. For the first time, I could feel my mind diverging into two separate entities, the Real me, and the Fake artificially happy me. I'd never previously experienced a chemically altered state of mind, but this felt very chemical and artificial. The Real me could observe, but not control, the very strange new actions of the Fake me. Like, for instance, Fake me actually phoning up my brother, "just for a chat". The Real me hates talking on the phone, I would never call someone on purpose unless there was something important to settle, and if so, as quickly as possible. And my brother was also startled, asking me what drugs I was on, and I had to convince him it was all perfectly legal. He ended the call with saying "you've changed", which Real me already knew. Getting off Zoloft took a couple of months, but it felt so good to be back inside my own head again, getting rid of whoever this weird Fake me was. I hope I never have to experience that again. However, it highlighted that I HAVE free will, and I CAN choose to behave in one way or another, and some ways will be more damaging to my mental health, whereas other choices will make me a better person and slightly less of an annoying bastard.
Other people have claimed Zoloft helped them greatly. I can't argue with that, but for me, it was just very unpleasant.
Necrohowl on 8/6/2022 at 08:55
This is unrelated, but I REALLY want to mention that, I find it absurdly ironic how this thread is pretty much forgotten compared to this "echo chamber" here: (
https://www.ttlg.com/forums/showthread.php?t=151727)
Anyway, I don't want my post to be just that, I am interested in this.
Quote Posted by MriyaMachine
In the beginning phase of Covid, my dad said something that I'm proud of him for. He had read somewhere about how the pandemic was causing a "pandemic of depression", and it was clear that it was hitting home with him as well. But he told me "if one good thing has come out of this pandemic, it's all the depression". A strange thing to say in a positive light, I know. And he's a traditional conservative kind of guy, but he's also open-minded and has a big heart. And he talked to me about the depression pandemic as if it was something society needed as a kind of wake up call. He had seen me go through my years of depression and understood why I was here. And it seemed he genuinely wanted for people to understand the same kind of depressive experiences as I had had. He's always been a very positive person himself, and I admire him for coming around to the fact that while depression is undesirable for everyone, it's very often justified.
In my opinion, I think Covid brought nothing but pointless death and disgusting half-truths about everyone's government; USA is weak, Spain is very lenient (but I like that), Italy had the worst deaths and it is assumed it's because of their traditions to touch and kiss eachother, Hungary started a plan that it always wanted to have, Russia and China are strong in their not giving enough information (which, to be honest, I can see why the neighbours there like it, it does give a nice sense of privacy somewhat) and so on, so on...
But in the end, nothing changed. We're still the same as before, but the little things became worse and the worse things became almost non-existent, we also had a what I like to call "brain change", some positive, some negative.
For example, and please understand that this is just me assuming thanks to how pitiful the mainstream media is...The so-called "Left" now love Big Pharma, but back then they hated it, AS THEY SHOULD HAVE AND STILL SHOULD. Also, the so-called "Right" were all about pro-life, so no abortions, but now they go around saying "My Body, My Choice" because, hey, the vaccine, my choice to inject myself or not, right?! The slogan was ridiculous, now it has another colour and it makes even the so-called "Left" paint it ridiculous.
But even then, I say it again; nothing changed. And for that, I am sad. The only noticeable difference I have seen is in Hungary, I don't want to go back to that place. People are saying it's a haven, they just love to listen to what the media likes to talk about and then reverse it.
Quote Posted by MriyaMachine
We've entered an age where everyone with a brain cell understands that mental illness isn't something wrong with oneself, it points to something about the world and what it can do to people.
I disagree, I think we have finally started to be much more mature, and smarter, than before. Education does wonders.
Mental illness does make you "different" but still negatively so, makes you wrong, makes you weak, makes you bad...To this day, we still have doubts about the Psychopaths after all.
I want to take an autist (bad example because I don't know the "spectrum" too much, bear with me) as example, so...We have this guy, he has no self-control, has a temper, is easy to make him mad. But when he has to make a job, the guy can do it in less than 10 minutes compared to one in 30. Isn't that great?! Yes, it is, but the poor bugger simply can't have "normal" social interaction, it is very hard for him, it is different.
But instead of being all serious about it, we just learned to, guess what? Do what humans do; adapt.
Quote Posted by MriyaMachine
I'm diagnosed bipolar and OCD, but I've proven to have taken a good handle on them over time, learning more about my own mind every day and learning how to have control over my own thoughts in the moment.
And here you are a good example yourself. But I'll be brutally honest, I only know this because you say so, I will never learn if it's true or not, but in this talk, I'd say it's meaningless.
You surpassed your own "weakness", even if it's not to cure it or get away from it, but to deal with it, for that you deserve respect. Actually, more respect than simply curing it, because I think anybody that is able to bear with pain is an actual badass.
Just understand that even if you deserve it,
you don't need it.
Quote Posted by MriyaMachine
What kinds of battles have you guys had to fight with your own minds? I'm curious how many neuroatypical members we have here. (If it's not a lot I won't be too disappointed }:} But I've just really always been interested in the phenomenon of alienation and how far it's gone in today's world. And ONE good thing about these times is that we can speak openly about these things now with no worry and no bullshit.
In my case, I have always thought I had Bipolar, OCD and...Something else. Thought I have had autism and Borderline personalty disorder.
But then I went to 3 medical facilities to check this properly for once, I failed on them all.
I came upon the realization that I was just very young and I loved to mimic people, so I've been around with neurotic people and I have been weird, but other than that, I'm pretty much normal anyway.
Only thing I might ever experience is good ol' boredom, depression from time to time and so on, but I know these are "normal" because they pass rather too fast.
I know many people that have said diseases, I found them to be more normal than the average normals, let alone smarter.
But I don't differ them much either, I don't think they are special or different, they're still human, and knowing my hate of humans, well...
MriyaMachine on 14/6/2022 at 08:56
Thank you for your post Gray, you as well Necrohowl [edited]
Quote Posted by Gray
My mother probably had some OCD issues before that was even named as a thing. These are not new issues. All of mankind have probably had them forever, for as long as we have had consciousness.
Glad you brought that up. OCD and other mental illnesses have been around for a long time and just haven't been recognized as what they are. I don't so much believe in progress, but this has to be an example of real progress.
Quote Posted by Gray
But then we ran across the green grass in the sun, throwing sticks, me chasing the puppy. A moment of pure joy. And if a grumpy old miserable cynical sarcastic bastard like me, AND allergic to dogs, can have that moment of sunshine, love, happiness... life is worth living.
And this is why animals are amazing. They don't bullshit you. They don't have beef with you. They just love you if you love them.
Quote Posted by Gray
being the hard atheist bastard that I am. In my head, my wife did not go to a better place, she ceased to exist.
Here I have to disagree. If you don't mind, research near death experiences. I also just can't bring myself to believe that a life, a memory, can just vanish, surely as if it had never happened.
Quote Posted by Gray
Zoloft. That one really messed with my head, I could feel my personality change. It didn't help at all, it just made me fear what this strange pill was doing to my head. I could feel as if I was turning into something from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It scared the living shit out if me, in more ways than one. Loose stool was an unpleasant side effect, and metaphorically, very apt. For the first time, I could feel my mind diverging into two separate entities, the Real me, and the Fake artificially happy me. I'd never previously experienced a chemically altered state of mind, but this felt very chemical and artificial. The Real me could observe, but not control, the very strange new actions of the Fake me. Like, for instance, Fake me actually phoning up my brother, "just for a chat". The Real me hates talking on the phone, I would never call someone on purpose unless there was something important to settle, and if so, as quickly as possible. And my brother was also startled, asking me what drugs I was on, and I had to convince him it was all perfectly legal. He ended the call with saying "you've changed", which Real me already knew.
I'm on Zoloft right now and I recommend it to no one. I'm fairly sure I'm taking it now just to avoid withdrawals, it's doing nothing for my mental health for sure. I HATE SSRIs. I hate all prescription antidepressants. Another example of how humans have gone done and fucked up...mental health structures in this country—and honestly across the world—have failed. BIGLY.
I self-medicate for my OCD and bipolar (which would honestly be major depression probably without a potent mind-altering substance). For me dissociatives are the key. Take ketamine, but ketamine is illegal. That's where the world of research chemicals comes in. Labs making chemically-altered analogs of controlled substances to bypass drug laws. DCK works best for me...HXE also works but I have to be careful with it as it causes amnesia problems at high doses.
But yea... fuck the pharmaceutical industry, fuck capitalist psychiatry, nother one of those human projects that does more harm than good.
Necrohowl: I will respond to your post einen moment
MriyaMachine on 14/6/2022 at 09:17
Quote Posted by Necrohowl
I disagree, I think we have finally started to be much more mature, and smarter, than before. Education does wonders.
Mental illness does make you "different" but still negatively so, makes you wrong, makes you weak, makes you bad...To this day, we still have doubts about the Psychopaths after all.
I want to take an autist (bad example because I don't know the "spectrum" too much, bear with me) as example, so...We have this guy, he has no self-control, has a temper, is easy to make him mad. But when he has to make a job, the guy can do it in less than 10 minutes compared to one in 30. Isn't that great?! Yes, it is, but the poor bugger simply can't have "normal" social interaction, it is very hard for him, it is different.
But instead of being all serious about it, we just learned to, guess what? Do what humans do; adapt.
You've changed my mind. You could not have stated that better sir. I'll say nothing more.
Quote Posted by Necrohowl
And here you are a good example yourself. But I'll be brutally honest, I only know this because you say so, I will never learn if it's true or not, but in this talk, I'd say it's meaningless.
You surpassed your own "weakness", even if it's not to cure it or get away from it, but to deal with it, for that you deserve respect. Actually, more respect than simply curing it, because I think anybody that is able to bear with pain is an actual badass.
Just understand that even if you deserve it, you don't need it.
And the people at work call me a badass. You must be right ;) And yea I never felt much of a need for respect.
Quote Posted by Necrohowl
I know many people that have said diseases, I found them to be more normal than the average normals, let alone smarter.
But I don't differ them much either, I don't think they are special or different, they're still human, and knowing my hate of humans, well...
Yea well besides describing them as normal I agree...normal is not a compliment according to me. They are...abnormal, in this way or that. But totally human yes. And smart indeed.
MriyaMachine on 14/6/2022 at 10:02
Quote Posted by Necrohowl
To this day, we still have doubts about the Psychopaths after all.
Peter Wessel Zapffe was quoted as saying Jesus must have been a psychopath. I can't disagree personally...
MriyaMachine on 14/6/2022 at 13:53
Necrohowl: out of curiosity, what's the origin of your username?
Nicker on 14/6/2022 at 18:47
Perhaps the name, Necrohowl, might have something to do with resurrecting "unrelated" threads, in order to score passive-aggressive points for arguments which failed to land elsewhere.
As to your OP, Mriya, depression has been fifty years of background noise of my life since my third Canadian winter, as an immigrant child at age ten. Frankly I can't understand how depression isn't simply the norm, given the state of humanity. I think much of our societal malaise is due to over population and living as a contributor, during the Anthropocene Extinction Event.
