Kolya on 12/6/2007 at 19:36

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Okay, so who am I to judge? The answer is of course, I can't and I won't. I think everyone will be able to decide themselves whether the shoe fits. I brought up the issue, but I wouldn't name anyone.

Timing: I could have written this when the subject wasn't at hand of course. I swallowed it when I read the first of these threads (which of course wasn't really the first), then a second one came up right after. That's when I decided to say my opinion about it. You might think that's impious and tactless, but then you haven't bothered to read what I said, because it is about tact and deference.

Why didn't I just ignore these threads? Well, why do you read this one and get all up in arms about it? Because that's the way forums work.

The general consensus seems to be that faking a bit of sympathy is okay, as no one is hurt and in fact it helps people. I do not doubt it helps, for the moment. But in the long run it cheapens empathy and affection down.
When people act like that to someone they barely know over the net, what do they say to someone they really like, someone they actually care for?

Why is that any of my problem? Because in an atmosphere of quick and cheap emotional responses my own response, which I am much more hesitating to give away, is cheapened too. It's like when McDonald's uses "I love it" as a slogan and it's on every fucking wall. I can't use the word anymore without it sounding wrong.

I am aware that some of this is a cultural clash. But you bring your culture and I bring mine.

A passing smile is similar in it being used inflationary. Everyone smiles at people every day and most people know what it means: Nothing basically. That's fine, but I don't think the same should apply to condolences.

Lastly, greetings to those who are making a witch hunt of this, even outside of this thread. Go on. Obviously you don't need help at dissing yourself.

Vasquez on 12/6/2007 at 20:05

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Uh, how exactly? IMO, if you show sympathy, that really can't be a fake reaction, because wanting to show sympathy to someone who's grieving is sympathy in itself. It means you want that person to feel a bit better, feel that people actually give a shit.

And if you don't give a shit and want everyone to know it, you start threads like this one.

Fingernail on 12/6/2007 at 20:21

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When it does happen here, it's the equivalent of people posting indiscriminately in birthday threads. There are some people here I consider I know/like well enough to wish them a happy birthday. Others I really don't "know".

Fingernail on 12/6/2007 at 20:37

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No, I don't think there's anything wrong with people who have something to contribute in terms of sympathy or empathy. It's those who don't have anything to contribute other than their own sense of wellbeing at publically displaying their sorrow - that's what Koyla really means, I think.

But I don't think anyone in your thread (or any other thread I've really seen on TTLG, actually) was actually anywhere near that kind of bandwaggoning.

Marlow on 12/6/2007 at 20:48

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All the Kolya-bashing going on right now ("Nobody likes you here &etc.") is one of the most retarded things I've ever seen on TTLG (closely followed by the All girls have it in 'em thread). So, on this one I'm with you, Kolya.

As for the mourining threads, I found both to be quite profound, actually. Firstly, thanks to the originators - Dia giving a really touching portrait of her husband, after reading which I can no longer regard them both as complete strangers, and glslvrfan asking a simple, practical question in the context of his terrible loss. Secondly, thanks to the posters, who very often go far beyond the usual "I feel for you" formulae you are slamming.
The posters are NOT mourning together with Dia and glslvrfan. They are just offering their sympathy, which is not a "quick and cheap emotional response", but a simple mark of respect for the bereaved.
For that matter, a passing smile also is a mark of respect for the other person.
If you think respecting others cheapens respect - well. Good luck with the people around you, you're going to need it.

Respect for certain strong emotions seems to be your point of departure. I appreciate that - I myself haven't posted in Dia's thread to avoid another generic condolences post (even though I was quite moved by her account, and I REALLY, for various reasons, understand her pain and the ways in which she overcomes it, and I wish her all the best in it with all my heart) . However, posting your thread DIRECTLY after Dia's and glslvrfan's shows that you have no such respect whatsoever. If your attitude tells you to remain silent in such cases, you REALLY should have done so.

AND never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.