Just sitting and thinking...

Mr.Duck on 1/4/2010 at 10:35

DISCLAIMER: This thread's not an April Fool's joke, I don't kid about me nor my feelings. The date in which I posted it is a coincidence, that is all.

(http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=1779007610) Here's a video for you to sit and think and interpret however you feel like doing so.

So I'm just sitting and thinking.

Years ago I used to have much hatred inside of me.

Then anger.

Nowadays it's mostly tiredness.

I haven't led a tragic life, not by a long shot, like some of you brave folk out there that have held your head high even if you've been brought to your knees by life's blows. Though I've had my share of'em too (like most people).

And I ain't saying I'm boo-hooing 24/7 neither.

Nuh-uh.

But many times do I stare at the mirror and just give out a long sigh.

I remember when Noid (was it Noid?) made a thread about Stars of the Lid and their album The Tired Sounds Of..., how I felt curious about the description of the music, so I decided to download and give it a spin.

My God...I wish I could cry like the songs in that album seem to softly wail.

Sometimes, sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I feel like crying and not stopping until I am reduced to a puddle.

Other times I feel anger, at myself, at people.

But mostly....I just feel tired.

Just felt like sharing that. Not looking for comfort, support or "poor ducky..." comments. Merely felt like sharing, you've earned it. I'm not even truly sad right now, just....tired. But I know it will come to pass.

After 10 years in these forums, it was fair that I finally gave a slice of myself to you fine people (I'm a hard man to know, truth be told...teenage Net drama doesn't count), something that I don't often do, less over the Net and in public.

Thanks for listening TTLG.

*Walks away back into a shadow*

Nicker on 1/4/2010 at 10:54

Awww, Ducky. You sound depressed.

What was your hatred and anger about?

Kolya on 1/4/2010 at 11:04

Enjoy your pains, they're who you are.

Matthew on 1/4/2010 at 11:19

Fragony on 1/4/2010 at 11:54

Just do something crazy you sound bored. Do whatever you usually won't do, be it a trip to Nepal or going to the hookers.

fett on 1/4/2010 at 13:05

I find myself doing the same thing lately Duckeh. It's like you hit a quiet moment or a plateau in your life's journey and everything slows down enough for you to introspect a bit. I get tired of trying to be who I think I should, falling short of my own expectations, realizing how, unlike the stories, you can't do anything you want to if you put your mind to it. Then the fatigue that comes from trying to press on, despite all the obstacles. It's a fatigue that physical sleep can't cure. I think I know what you mean, especially the looking in the mirror and sighing thing. Like I'm looking at myself thinking, "Dude. What the HELL?" about everything and nothing in particular.

I don't have any advice, it seems to pass like a monthly cycle usually. Being with my kids is about the only thing that stays off a full blown depression. There's something about young life that gives me hope and makes me look beyond myself.

PigLick on 1/4/2010 at 14:10

duck man, I have felt how you feel, what i call the "lowdown". However, you gotta think about things that make you feel good or excited, things that transcend the mundane day to day. Otherwise you end up in a lowdown funk that you cant pull yourself out of.

Vivian on 1/4/2010 at 14:19

I heard that song totally works on chicks

Mr.Duck on 2/4/2010 at 01:15

*Tickles the forums*

Rest assured, I'm not feeling so much low as feeling sincere...dunno, felt like sharing something honest about me to TTLG. I mean, almost 10 years, can't keep the forums so distant, y'know? (hurrah, hurrah to all tough guys/gals who still keep it, more power to you).

I do wonder about life sometimes...

rachel on 2/4/2010 at 02:54

I've been looking at the mirror saying WTF for the last ten years.

I think I'm depressed. Getting out of it is tough but I made good progress lately. I'd describe the experience as being kind of like building a house of cards, except you're building it on a subway vent with cards made of toilet paper.