Phydeaux on 16/5/2008 at 13:36

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I understand what you're saying, but I feel you're a bit "too hard" on Transformers. Well, maybe not, the difference is when I saw it, I was expecting an irredeemable pile of shit on the level of Armageddon or Pearl Harbor, but I found that it wasn't quite that bad. You expected more than you got, I got more than I expected.

My point is, you have to turn your brain off to enjoy survive Armageddon complete dismissal of logic or physics. The premise of a sci-fi disaster movie is It Could Happen, but with Armageddon, anybody with two stones rattling around in their noggin would realize that nothing they do makes any fucking sense. The conflict makes no fucking sense, the solution makes no fucking sense. You start the movie expecting it to make sense, then you find that it doesn't.

With Transformers, you expect to make no sense. It's about sentient robots that turn into planes and cars and cell phones and dildos and stuff. Nobody who went to see Transformers expected a masterpiece work of storytelling. If I did, I would have been a) disappointed, and b) an idiot (after the fact; although if b were true before the fact, I probably wouldn't be disappointed).

Also, I'm comparing Transformers to other Michael Bay movies. Which is to say I'm comparing the smell of piles of shit. You know they're going to smell like shit, but with the Transformers pile, Mr. Bay ate a lot of jelly beans to make it. So when you sniff it, it doesn't stink quite as bad, and may even warrant another curious sniff or two, just to confirm to yourself that indeed, there's that hint of jelly beans, and no it doesn't quite smell as bad as the other piles of shit, but it's still smells like a pile of shit. And if you were forced to choose between which pile of shit you had to smell for the next 2 hours, the pile of shit with the hint of jelly beans would be the least objectionable.

I saw it in the cheap theater, mainly for the special effects (partially for Megan Fox). If I didn't see it on the Big Screen, I wouldn't have seen it at all, as I doubt I'd have bothered renting it. I have no intention of seeing it again, but I don't regret the $3 and 3 hours I spent on it. I do feel a little guilty though, as I strongly believe in the (sadly, futile) principle of "if you stop watching them, they'll stop making them" (if it weren't futile, movies like You Don't Mess With the Zohan and Tropic Thunder wouldn't see the light of day). I've yet to see The Island, even though I kinda want to, only because it's a remake of Parts: The Clonus Horror, an extremely badly done movie (but hilarious MST3K episode), but with what I always thought was a good plot/premise. But to my disappointment, Michael Bay was chosen to direct it, my hopes of a quality sci-fi It Could Happen brain bending thriller (David Cronenberg or Chris Nolen would have been my choice as director) were dashed by the king of uber-schlock plot, mega-schmaltz acting, ultra-sappy dialog, ADHD editing and directing.

But back to Transformers, I'm not really comparing it to other movies of this genre (superheros, comic books, fantasy, whatever), because you can't make the "turn your brain off" argument; it's more a "suspension of disbelief" argument, because obviously, planes don't turn into robots, there's no 10 foot tall son-of-the-devil fighting demons, no armies of 10000 orcs, or arc reactors replacing people's hearts and powering supersuits. In that respect. Transformers was a pile of shit, devoid of any sweet-smelling jelly beans. But it was a pile of shit that looked and sounded good, despite its odor (a polished turd, if you will). And let me exhaust this shitty metaphor by saying that with a clothespin on your nose, one could turn his brain off enough to garner some enjoyment out of it, although granted, no matter how you look at it, it's still a pile of shit, even if you can't smell it.

And although I don't want to let Michael bay escape any deserved criticism (I mean, he obviously approved of the screenplay, so no respite for him here), the writers of Transformers are much to blame too. Orci and Kurtzman had only done 3 previous films (The Island being one of them--ouch, another strike), MI3 wasn't horrible, but Legend of Zorro certainly ways (they're also writing the next Star Trek movie--ouch), and Rogers was responsible for The Core and Catwoman. I'm guessing (hoping) that Spielberg's involvement was purely financial and let Bay do his thing; that thing that Bruckheimer in his despicable genius recognized as a meat grinder through which he can feed the slovenly masses the cinematic equivalent of a fast food cheeseburger. Not that Spielberg is infallible; he's made some great films, but he's also made Minority Report (a Phillip K Dick story turned into 2 hours of product placement) and War of the Worlds (ok, the aliens killed everything electronic, except that one guy's video camera because it makes for a dramatic shot, and for some reason, Tom Cruises MECHANICAL watch also stops working). I haven't read the original Wells story, so I don't know, but did it end as lamely as the Spielberg movie did?

Oh well, here's hoping The Golden Army and The Dark Knight are everything I want them to be.

fett on 16/5/2008 at 15:54

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I think the main problem with Transformers is that the Rangers take the cube into a hugely populated area, presumably to protect the cube, and the population from the destruction to come.

This is the type of military intelligence that has us wandering around Iraq with our collective brain up our arse.

Hier on 16/5/2008 at 18:29

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By that point in the movie, fett, I had long since stopped trying to rationalize the decisions of the characters. I just wanted to see robots beat the fuck out of each other.

I think the part where giant alien robots trying to save the galaxy were hiding so a teenager's parents wouldn't find them is when I truly, finally, turned my brain off.

My biggest complaint with the movie was that it was the one thing I wasn't expecting it to be: boring. For the first 3/4s it is genuinely, honest-to-God absolutely boring. Practically nothing happens, and since there's absolutely no plot or characters worth giving a shit about a decent action scene is the only thing that can redeem it.

And then when the action finally starts in the last half hour, it's so jerky and frantic that you can't make out what's going on. I couldn't tell which robots were beating up who, or which Transformer just got ripped in half, or who plowed through the bus. Couldn't follow half of it. And even now, a year later (I haven't seen the movie since), I can't remember how it ends. How does Megatron die? Or does he? The action scene was so bland that it didn't even stick in memory. And I usually remember almost everything about any movie I watch.

Fafhrd on 17/5/2008 at 02:03

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I genuinely love The Core. It's a great piece of tongue in cheek sci-fi adventure, and that's all it was intended to be. I think the greatest disservice done to it was positioning and marketing it as a summer tentpole action adventure film.

(http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/trailers/new-tropic-thunder-redband-trailer-might-be-the-trailer-of-the-year.php) I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Tropic Thunder wouldn't see the light of day.

BEAR on 27/5/2008 at 04:55

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It was pretty much what I expected. I didnt even have super low expectations and it was still pleased, nothing spectacular but I enjoyed it and cant really think of any part that I didnt like. Jeff Bridges was a great bad guy. I dont know jack about the comic book so I cant comment on accuracy or anything.