rachel on 10/4/2019 at 18:48
Hehehe thanks Tocky and Sulphur, I'm happy it get your brains going :D
Tocky, I can't deny using this as a premise for a larger work hasn't crossed my mind. I'd find it very interesting indeed to expand on it and explore possible scenarios...
Sulphur, I don't disagree. After the fact I toyed with the idea of the narrator actually being responsible for his brother's death (like he was the one driving or something to that effect) and I may insert that if I revisit the tale. Because they remember everything, up to how and when they die when that's applicable. It would throw some serious guilt trip, atonement and possibly vengeance and anger into the mix, not necessarily for him but in general...
I didn't necessarily have the wishgranter pick him on purpose, it's random, although he certainly can see who's more likely to be seduced by his words. In my head it was a typical "genie grants a wish with a catch" scenario, but very much on the "chaotic evil" side of things. I'd been playing with that twist in my head for a while... :ebil:
Tocky on 11/4/2019 at 00:44
Oh I have a killer idea but I won't tell you if you don't want me to.
Mr.Duck on 11/4/2019 at 23:19
Finally gave this a read. Really enjoyed it, and yes, the twist makes it. <3
Could use some reworking in bits and parts, mostly dialogue stuff, some of the lines sound too direct-to-TV movie stuff. Overall, it could be tighter (that's what he said, HURRR), but again, it's a solid short story and I loved the twist, so polish this sucker, baby. <3
Also agree with Sulph's observations on the bigger picture and such.
rachel on 13/4/2019 at 22:39
Thanks Duckeh! :) Tocky, I'll be happy to hear it but I'll get back to you when I'm ready to dedicate more time to it, right now I'm working on other things :)
Tocky on 14/4/2019 at 00:30
Same premise but with a serial killer. Think about it. Everyone he has ever killed and tortured alive again. Not to mention their families knowing. Talk about just desserts.
Aja on 20/4/2019 at 03:30
I thought it was good! A couple of the lines were a little clunky, but they didn't spoil it by any means. I really liked dream tonight, and be a pilot. The twist was, of course, completely unexpected, and having read my way through a short-story advent calendar a few months ago, can safely say that ending the story on a note like that is perfectly common and acceptable. With some minor editing I bet you could get it published somewhere.
rachel on 22/4/2019 at 13:42
Thanks for the kind words Aja! :)
