rachel on 9/4/2019 at 07:44
I should be editing my first draft but I'm procrastinating, so I whipped up this little thing to feel productive. Hope you like!
(
https://my.w.tt/t8f93aJZJV)
Microwave Oven on 9/4/2019 at 13:37
Huh...well, it's a thing, alright.
But..."To be Continued...", there's always a catch...
rachel on 9/4/2019 at 14:14
Hmf the to be continued is a wattpad thing :/
[edit] found a way to get rid of it.
PigLick on 9/4/2019 at 16:19
I read it, its not bad, the twist ending is the best bit. Could do with editing, make it more concise.
rachel on 9/4/2019 at 17:06
Thanks Piglick, glad you liked. I may return and refine it indeed once I finish my editing. :)
dj_ivocha on 9/4/2019 at 19:29
I like. And what PigLick said.
Tocky on 10/4/2019 at 04:21
I really liked the line about biting on tinfoil. The foreboding about the guy. The everydayness of the bar. It gave a sense of tiredness about living without saying so directly. I liked the whole story and it was short enough that I don't see how it could be much more concise. Sorry to disagree, PigLick. I would have to see the edit maybe but it seemed to me spare enough.
I laughed at the ending. I don't mean in a bad way. It had the element of horror alright but the twist was completely unexpected, enough so that it threw me off for a second like having to reorient, and that is my default response. It's weird I know. My second response was to think how the story would go from there. After the horror subsided it might not be a bad thing for the whole world. Truly mindfucked but an interesting reinvention would occur. Everyone would change profoundly.
Sulphur on 10/4/2019 at 04:48
Interesting read, raph. I liked the twist ending.
Like Tocky, I got the sense of everyday weariness around the bar conversation, but that could also be to the detriment of the story's opening since you can feel the oxygen being sucked out by the protagonist's demeanour. I felt the wishgranter's motivations for handing out a rewind could have helped: why did he choose the protagonist? His unusual enthusiasm doesn't carry the otherworldliness of what he's offering. And the twist was a nice counterpoint to it all, but the question then becomes what kind of being would give a person the agency to choose to rewind to the past, but foists the memories of the future on the rest of the planet too? Did the protagonist do something in the past to deserve bearing that responsibility? The story doesn't have to spell out these things, but hinting at something deeper in his past would go a long way, I feel.
Tocky on 10/4/2019 at 15:42
Quote Posted by Sulphur
His unusual enthusiasm doesn't carry the otherworldliness of what he's offering. And the twist was a nice counterpoint to it all, but the question then becomes what kind of being would give a person the agency to choose to rewind to the past, but foists the memories of the future on the rest of the planet too? What kind of being? Only one fits the bill and he appears in a cloud of... well, YOU, Sulphur.
Sulphur on 10/4/2019 at 16:12
Heh, I know. But there's a panoply of demons lesser and greater in all our mythologies and religions, I was wondering about it from that angle. Having it be Ol' Scratch is fine as an option too of course, he's the platonic ideal of a force that's mercurial and perfectly ineffable.