fett on 1/4/2010 at 05:05
I met with my pastor for the first time in 3 years yesterday (yes, pastors have pastors too). I have to admit it was good to see him. This guy has been to bat for me so many times in sacrificial ways that I've kept in touch with him even though I've been slowly losing my faith since I last saw him face to face. It sparked something I haven't felt in a long time, and I spent the rest of the day feeling very small somehow. It's hard to explain.
I've been in the closet about losing my faith for almost 5 years now - my wife, ttlg, and some new friends are the only ones who know (besides my pastor). I've hidden it from my extended family and old friends because of the genuine heartache it would cause many of them. Many of them came to faith because of things Christie and I said or did over the years - our "witness" if you will. They are happy in thier life, and I wouldn't take that from them. Many of them are simple people who need to believe in something bigger than themselves, and I don't begrudge them that. Honestly, I envy them.
My pastor and I talked for a long time yesterday and I'm glad I haven't "come out" to them all. My Christianity was never something I talked about much, believe it or not, even as a pastor, espousing theology twice a week for 10 years. I tried to help people understand thier own faith, the Bible, the will of God. I always felt like my own faith was not worth talking about much - if people can't see it in my actions, talking aobut it is kind of useless, eh?
It sounds wishy-washy, but I prayed last night, for the first time in almost 5 years. It felt good. I didn't get any kind of immediate spiritual insight or warm fuzzy feelings, but it was good. It felt right and I'm happier today than I have been in the last few, crappy years when I was trying desperately to hold onto my faith. Maybe that's the thing about faith - it's not something you hold on to, it's something you have to let go of. God is surely bigger than faith if He exists. I hope so, for my sake.
The Alchemist on 1/4/2010 at 05:21
I have struggled a lot with a pleasant way of describing my beliefs to others, and to get around peoples phobia of those who do not seem to align themselves with an institution of belief, so lately I just tell people I'm a Universal Unitarian and that works enough if people bother to google for what the hell that means. Prayer though, is definitely not something that offers me anything. But maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong perspective. I know people who believe in "Battle Prayer" or whatever that ridiculous practice is called, and I am adamant about taking full responsibility for the events in my life and I like to work on them firsthand. I try to relate prayer to a form of meditation, for my understanding sake. I'm rambling all about me and I feel dirty. :(
Aja on 1/4/2010 at 05:41
I don't pray but sometimes I wish I could. It's hard to ignore the associations. There are certain things in life that affect me in (positive) ways that I can't describe, and whether that's my brain simply being unable to comprehend or else something more spiritual, it doesn't really matter. We're so accustomed to linking spirituality and religion that separating them seems unnatural or meaningless. Maybe you're just craving that kind of spirituality that isn't bound to an institution. After all, there's so much we can't know, and any stoic, supposedly pragmatic attitude is, ironically, forgetting our ultimate ignorance. Without being new-agey, you can allow for the possibility of something greater than yourself, and take comfort in it. We all do, whether we admit it or not. And I wouldn't call that kind of thing a mistake.
37637598 on 1/4/2010 at 06:49
I went to church for most of my childhood but never truely believed or even thought about the truth much, until my teen years. I then became a rebel against my faith because I looked at it like my parents faith, which made it seem 'uncool'. Now that i'm on my own and I experience life in all its shadows first hand, I am beginning to become more in touch with my actual feelings towards christianity. I've always believed in god, and I've always believed in Christ, but I've never considered myself a christain. Recently I've been calling myself a humanitarian, whatever that means, because of my strong belief in humans and all that we can accomplish as a whole.
I've always been turned off to the whole 'christain' thing because I was taught that if I don't do everything right how my elders see it, I go to hell. If I look at a pretty girl and imagine her naked, I go to hell. If I don't pray every night and miss a day of church to play my brand new copy of Diablo, I go to hell. Now that I can look at it all with a more mature respective, I see that those things are all lies that my pastor and parents fed me to try and shape me into something that won't embarrass them. I'll never consider myself a christain because I don't try to be like christ, I try to be like me, which in a sense is very similar, but I do seek guidance from god and I have strong belief that god is a true power (yes, a power) that I must consult before making decisions. I try to stop and ask God before doing certain things, and this causes me to stop myself from smashing spiders, and instead, find the closest piece of paper and scoop them up to let free outside. It reminds me to think twice before giving myself the largest piece of chicken before serving everyone else. It helps me stay on a path of justice, peace, consideration, and health. All because I consult God, which in a sense is just what "I" think is a 'better man's' way of doing things.
So Fett, I encourage you to continue praying if it keeps you closer to God and your own happiness, because in the end, it's all that matters. Whether God is a man or a spiritual connection of energy between us all, or a cool charcter from a cool storybook from a not-so-cool time. Do what your better man would do.
Mr.Duck on 1/4/2010 at 07:14
Pray because you want to.
Not because you feel you have to.
If there's a true and just God I don't think He can fault you for such a thought, not really.
*Hugs*
Sulphur on 1/4/2010 at 07:47
Echoing what Duckeh said.
I don't think it's wrong to believe in whomever brought you to existence. I don't think it's wrong to have a measure of faith in the force that brought you to life. I do strongly believe that God, or our conception of God, is a very personal matter that doesn't need to be circumscribed by any wide-ranging set of beliefs spouted by anyone else.
It's fine to deny the existence of divine beards in the sky but, sometimes in life, I think you need faith in something to fall back on - even if you view faith as just a coping mechanism for the human condition. If believing in whatever it is that brought you here gives you peace of mind and makes your life the better for it, there isn't a thing wrong with that.
witherflower on 1/4/2010 at 08:25
I don't believe in any Gods as such. I think we're all devine, but more or less misguided. A result of being seperated by mass. But I can't see that prayer is a bad thing. It's asking for help- guidance. And as long as the prayer doesen't involve the desire of material things I think we will feel that we are being heard. It strikes me, though, that we have been taught to pray by inverting our "begging bowls". How can we then assume we will be able to actually get that help. It's like we're bitching and liking to, but don't really want the help and comfort we are given.
Vivian on 1/4/2010 at 08:33
If talking to yourself as a mechanism of self-analysis makes you feel better, then why not.
Tonamel on 1/4/2010 at 08:38
My parents once flat-out told me that they were disappointed that I had lost my faith. This came as a surprise to me, because I wasn't aware I had. As the conversation went on, I realized that when they said "lost faith" they really meant "stopped attending church." To them, the two were inseparable; Christianity is a community-based religion, and if you're not part of the community, then you can't stay a Christian for long. I, on the other hand, had some years previously decided that if I needed a backing organization to remind me what I believe in every week, then maybe my faith wasn't as strong as I thought it was.
But I'm not arguing for Church vs No Church, rather that people should find what works for them. Despite what they think of my religious habits, I think my parents are in a very solid place, and I wouldn't tell them to do it any differently. Whereas most of the times when I've felt closest to God happened after I stopped attending church every week.
And yeah, Duck's got it right. Pray because you want to.
Thirith on 1/4/2010 at 08:45
Quote Posted by fett
God is surely bigger than faith if He exists. I hope so, for my sake.
My attitude is this: if God isn't bigger than some simple notion of faith, then He doesn't deserve worship. If your 'faithless' words and actions don't have meaning vis-a-vis God but those of bigots and simpletons claiming to know the mind of God, then He's an idiot and/or dick. I believe I've seen more 'Godliness' in the words and actions of some atheists than in those of many people professing to be devout Christians.
Also, if prayer helps you, and by helping you can help others (I'm sure the people in your life are helped by you being happier), does it matter in the end whether it's just a form of self-analysis or a way of talking to God?
Edit: I have to admit I feel a bit bad about thinking at first (before I'd read the entire post) that your post was an April Fools joke - "fett finds religion again!"
