dR! SexAscetic on 1/4/2006 at 03:23

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I know I've changed usernames before but I have recently gone through a lifechanging experience more radical than Evoligion and Grant Morrison combined. No, I haven't quit the bookstore or moved out of my parents house. No, it's something else and considering all the attention my sexuality has received in the past this is big news!

I think you all know, I've been having a lot of health problems lately. I was having a hard time breathing, because of my sinuses, so I finally went to see an ENT doctor to talk about it. I told him I was worried that the sinus condition might spread to my eyes or brain, but he told me I just needed some nasal decongenstant.

Because of my health problems I've been really depressed lately, and I've been doing more artistic stuff, drawing and writing. I was on one of my breaks at work last week and I was drawing a cover for my next album. It's a sigil I made to help it sell, and Jamie my new coworker thought it was the Nine Inch Nails logo. Jamie is actually pretty smart.

I explained what it was, and how it works and how you have to launch it by doing something really intense like having an orgasm or playing Deus Ex on High Difficulty, and Jamie was really interested. We talked for a really long time, and it seemed like we got along really well, but Jamie pointed out our break had gone on a bit too long when I was talking about tapping the Minraudian Current.

Jamie wanted to come over after work and hear my new album which made me a little nervous as I could barely hear the stuff I've done lately because my ear wax was getting really bad again, but I decided to take the chance though because Jamie has a car and the last time I tried to take the bus home I almost didn't make it.

Once we got back to my house we hung out in my dad's den. It was good that my parents had gone to sleep, because we started kissing. I really don't know how it happened, and I didn't know what to do. I don't think I like tounges very much. they're kind of creepy, like slugs, and don't feel very comfortable.

After a bit we went up to my room for more privacy, but my brother was there and he was still awake, so we couldn't do anything until he finally got the hint and left. After a bit more kissing I figured it was now or never so I put on some Phil Collins and Jamie laid me down on my chair.

It was wierd at first, and my back started to hurt when I tried to take off my pants. And then, I couldn't figure out how to work the condom. Aren't they silly? I put it on the end, and it kept falling off. Then I figured out to unroll it, but after I did that I couldn't slide it on. I didn't want to look at the instructions because I have a fear of papercuts and ink poisoning, so I was going to come here and post a thread for advice but Jamie took the condom and showed me. I'm going to need help to do it again next time though.

So, anyway, I had sex. It was a bit like the time I had to see a urologist and he stuck his finger in my rear end, but I guess I like this better. It was hard, because I kept staring at my sigil to make sure my album does well, but I didn't know what I was doing so I think it was really fast. Jamie said that was ok though. I did have to take a break and sit up for a couple minutes when my acid reflux came back.

As Jamie told my brother it was okay to come back into the room I found a new chaos aspect rising up in me and I realized that the good dR! Sexascetic had risen from the ashes of my virginity! A doctor with a tuxedo, monocal, and penises on every finger. Kind of like Edward Scissorhands, because someone at school once said I looked kinda like Johnny Depp, except with torticullis.

I took out my dad's old camcorder, and Jamie and I are going to use it next time. Unless we go to Jamie's place, but I'm not sure I want to, because Jamie has one of those lofted beds, and I don't like being that close to the ceiling because it worries me. But, now that I've had sex, I've decided I'm going to be a porn star. Can anyone help me get the video onto my computer to share it?

Enchantermon on 1/4/2006 at 03:32

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On the off-chance that this isn't another April Fools by one of the Admins.....
What does discord have to do with that story?

aguywhoplaysthief on 1/4/2006 at 03:38

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Did Rhode Island get moved to Europe?


GET THE TImE ZONEs RIGht you TArds!

Also, Sypha: Get a fucking sense of humor, and stop spoiling shit.

Para?noid on 1/4/2006 at 04:02

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this really happen

Gingerbread Man on 1/4/2006 at 05:48

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We all know who's lucky we aren't watching ******.