SD on 5/9/2008 at 14:15
snatch his ass in a bear-trap
pavlovscat on 5/9/2008 at 15:19
Your father is likely feeling immense guilt and having you there every day made it worse. He paid your debt to salve his conscience because he couldn't deal with his feelings. Then he kicked you out because he couldn't face his mistake. He obviously has many problems. This is no reflection on you. The problems are his.
I know that shaking depression is very hard. I understand that you may not be able to afford treatment, but do you have some sort of community organization or church group where you could find someone to talk about the issue? If you are in the US, the (
http://www.nccbh.org/) National Council for Community Behavioral Health Care has a search by state for community centers and may have one in your area. If not, check your phone book for public health services or look online. Check (
http://depression.about.com/cs/findadoc/a/freelowcosttx.htm) this link for some other ideas.
TBE on 5/9/2008 at 15:19
Wareagle, find something you like to do, like reading for example. Go to your library and pick a genre you enjoy and read a book there at the library. While you're there do some people watching. Find someone you might make a friend with. Sometimes the library has a book club or something and they discuss the books they read. This is just an example. I gather most people who have come on this discussion board are a bit on the intellectual side and tend to be book readers and thinkers.
Maybe you're more of a gamer? If you're more of a gamer, find a local LAN club, and go there. The key is to get out of your situation one day a week or so, and change your life a little at a time. I know. It is so hard to change where you're at. It's not easy. But to take that one step, will change the rest of your life.
Another thing. Identify one thing in your life that's negative that you'd like to change. For instance, I used to consume soda pop by the truck-load. Probably about 2 liters a day or more. I started to notice little kidney stones in my urine. Wow, that's healthy! Not how I should be living at age 37, huh? So I made a really hard choice to limit myself to one 12 ounce soda per day. I drink a lot of water now. I crave water! I crave water like I used to crave the caffeine and sugar from Pepsi and Mountain Dew. This one change in my life has enabled a healthy change to do other things. I have more energy, I feel better, and I'm sure I'll have kidneys that will work til I'm dead. Find something you can toot your horn about. The little things will help get you out of this rut.
Kolya on 5/9/2008 at 20:33
Quote Posted by SD
snatch his ass in a bear-trap
The only straight thinking person in this thread.
So what if Wareagle's father has deep rooted personal issues? Does it mean Wareagle should feel sorry for his mistreating father now? Should he even try to understand? Who's the father here? It seems to me WE feels guilty anyway, and most of you tell him about his poor poor dad.
Wareagle, it's time to get your self defense up. Don't let anyone stomp over your feelings like that. You were right to expect him to take the chance and finally act like a father. He screwed up. It is not your fault.
You shouldn't be in pain and depression. He should. Smash his fucking windows, spray his car, nail his fiancée, do whatever you have to do, but start directing this aggression at the person who's responsible instead of yourself.
Starrfall on 5/9/2008 at 22:20
Quote Posted by Kolya
You were right to expect him to take the chance and finally act like a father. He screwed up. It is not your fault.
This part is true but don't get arrested ok.
theBlackman on 5/9/2008 at 22:56
Don't take on "the sins of the father". At this point you and he are at odds.
Move on. His problems (whatever they be) are not yours.
Your problem is wanting something etherial that he doesn't have, or if he has, doesn't want to give.
You won't die for lack of a fathers "love". So, stop beating yourself up over his failings and come to grip with yours.
Having been in a similar situation I fully empathize but, know this, you are acting like an unweaned pup trying to suck a dry teat. And complaining, "Mommie don't love me no more", because the milk is gone.
Painful as it may be, put it away, move on and forget him and live your own life.
fett on 6/9/2008 at 01:19
Quote Posted by Kolya
The only straight thinking person in this thread.
So what if Wareagle's father has deep rooted personal issues? Does it mean Wareagle should feel sorry for his mistreating father now? Should he even try to understand? Who's the father here? It seems to me WE feels guilty anyway, and most of you tell him about his poor poor dad.
Wareagle, it's time to get your self defense up. Don't let anyone stomp over your feelings like that. You were right to expect him to take the chance and finally act like a father. He screwed up. It is not your fault.
You shouldn't be in pain and depression. He should. Smash his fucking windows, spray his car, nail his fiancée, do whatever you have to do, but start directing this aggression at the person who's responsible instead of yourself.
Right on.
Someone gave me advice years ago that has paid off a hundred fold in my adult life:
Don't suffer fools.
That's it. There are some people, blood related or not, that simply aren't worth wasting the short time you have on the earth. You think that trying to talk to them, writing a letter, or teaching them a lesson will help or fix them but it won't - because they're fools. They'll never get it, and in the end you'll have wasted your time trying to open their eyes.
Sure, you'll brood over the situation and even be depressed about it for awhile - even years. But in the end, you'll have instead invested the time you would have wasted on the fool in cultivating relationships with people who will reciprocate your affection and respect - something the fools will never do, no matter what you do.
So that's it - your dad is a fool. Don't suffer him - don't let him dictate what you'll do with another second of your time. Go out and live happy and fulfilled - do it to spite him if need be, because you'll only be benefiting yourself.
theBlackman on 6/9/2008 at 01:55
fett has it right.
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn't get you any place.
Move on.
fett on 6/9/2008 at 02:16
One other thing I forgot to mention. In my experience, people have done you wrong and are worth confronting about it, usually figure it out for themselves and come to you - you rarely have to spell out what they've done because they're self-aware enough to realize it, and have balls enough to admit it. The trick is to be self-aware enough that you're able to do the same thing when you've been the prick.
jtr7 on 6/9/2008 at 02:39
It disturbs the fuck out of me that it's assumed some of us are sympathising with the father at WAREAGLE's expense, and that what was said is at odds with the others. It isn't. I, myself, agree with the general advice, except for the revenge shit.
WAREAGLE, don't beat yourself up over his failing. You didn't screw up. He did. He felt like shit and made a gesture out of that guilt. It's not what you would have wanted. It was heaping failure upon failure. He sucks at fatherhood and he knows it. He sucks at communicating his feelings. Not your fault. And no, don't take your grief and anger and turn into a vindictive asshole. Walk away. It was a failed experiment. Write a letter if it'll get some things you gotta say out. Just writing it as if you will really send it can be very cathartic, and you will still have the choice to send it.
Your instincts are right, you didn't do anything wrong, and let's keep it that way.
