WAREAGLE on 5/9/2008 at 04:31
They say the first step is admitting you need it... the second step is admitting you cant afford it.
I'll try to make it fast.
I never knew my dad. I tried to get to know him by moving in with him, something he suggested, after I called him. 2 months later, he kicked me out with no warning, and as some sort of gesture I can only assume was his attempt to buy me off, he paid my college debt (4 grand that I was paying off myself on time). I created no conflict while staying with him and I know I did nothing wrong. Thats it... theres nothing to this problem at all, but I find myself in a downward spiral of depression. Since April I've been staying with my mom and I've barely left my house, let alone my room. I cant get one thing he said out of my head "There's nothing wrong with our relationship". I just hear that over and over. I called him a few times since I left and he never picked up the phone, I left a voicemail twice and he never called me back. Im not a self harming kind of guy, so the depression just leads me to doing absolutely nothing. I never even asked my father to help me monetarily, he offered it shortly before I got kicked out. So I can't figure any of this out. Its not a why me kinda thing I don't think. I dont know. I just feel shitty.
Thief13x on 5/9/2008 at 04:46
Could be kinda weird for him. Sounds to me like the depression could turn to bitterness if you don't deal with it. What is it that makes you depressed, can you nail it down? has something like this ever happened to you before? this really sounds like personal issues your dad's having to me.
Scots Taffer on 5/9/2008 at 04:47
Let's get this straight, you moved in with him in an attempt to connect after how many years of not knowing him?
Then after two months, where I assume you two tried to bond, he kicked you to the curb without any explanation but paid your debts and claims there's nothing wrong with the relationship?
Sounds like he was never ready to be a father, now or then. His paying off your debts is probably his way of managing the guilt he feels by internally acknowledging he can't be your father in any other way.
On your depression, you had to expect that there was a reasonable chance this experiment in father-son bonding was going to fail given your lack of history so my advice to you is to value what you do have and don't waste time worrying or dreaming about what might have been.
New Horizon on 5/9/2008 at 04:49
It sounds like your Dad just doesn't want to be a Dad. I don't think it has anything to do with you personally. He's rejecting fatherhood, not you. Living with his child probably started to change who he was, and that likely frightened him. He couldn't deal with the reality that...being a parent changes who you are...for most people, in a good way.
I hope you're feeling better.
Quote Posted by WAREAGLE
They say the first step is admitting you need it... the second step is admitting you cant afford it.
I'll try to make it fast.
I never knew my dad. I tried to get to know him by moving in with him, something he suggested, after I called him. 2 months later, he kicked me out with no warning, and as some sort of gesture I can only assume was his attempt to buy me off, he paid my college debt (4 grand that I was paying off myself on time). I created no conflict while staying with him and I know I did nothing wrong. Thats it... theres nothing to this problem at all, but I find myself in a downward spiral of depression. Since April I've been staying with my mom and I've barely left my house, let alone my room. I cant get one thing he said out of my head "There's nothing wrong with our relationship". I just hear that over and over. I called him a few times since I left and he never picked up the phone, I left a voicemail twice and he never called me back. Im not a self harming kind of guy, so the depression just leads me to doing absolutely nothing. I never even asked my father to help me monetarily, he offered it shortly before I got kicked out. So I can't figure any of this out. Its not a why me kinda thing I don't think. I dont know. I just feel shitty.
PigLick on 5/9/2008 at 04:49
some more info would help too.
Kolya on 5/9/2008 at 04:50
If you managed to get this far without him, why would you need him now?
If he treats you as someone to buy off then treat him as a cash-cow and that is that.
Obviously you two don't have much in common.
TBE on 5/9/2008 at 04:54
Depression is hard to get out of. It leads deeper and deeper sometimes. I've been there. You just can't find the energy or the desire to change your situation. It's easier to live in the crappy world you've created for yourself than make a change.
But change is what you need!
Your dad is probably depressed too. He realizes he's a crap father. Never got to know you, and it was easier for him to go back to his crap situation. He thought it would make you happy to not have something depressing like a big bill over your head. Well, it probably did make you feel a little better. Here's the deal. Write him a letter explaining you'd like to get to know him better through letters. Maybe you guys can exchange letters for a few months. Visit each other 1 weekend a month. Make it a bowling night, or something that's pretty easy for the two of you.
Ok, back to your situation with depression. LIFE IS GREAT! It really is. I've been from the bottom to the top to the middle and everywhere in between! Don't even think about doing anything to hurt yourself. If you need to talk to someone any time of the day or night, private message me, and I'll give you my phone number. I've been in the situation where I thought of taking my life. I can relate to anyone thinking about doing it. It's not that people think taking their life is smart. They just get tired of hurting day after day after day. It's easier to just stop hurting in their mind. But trust me, life is grand! I don't know if there is life after death, so I plan on living each day on this earth, and living as many days as I can. :thumb:
WAREAGLE on 5/9/2008 at 04:54
I just cant get over any of it. I think whats messing me up is the fact that he suggested I come and then quickly reversed himself and then on top of that told me he thought everything was okay between us... Kick your kid out while telling him its all okay between the two of you? How could someone start to act like he cares about someone and then suddenly reverse it. I don't need a father, I never did, but I guess this is showing me theres some pretty big issues mentally. It would have been nice to have one. I also cant understand how someone couldnt love their child. I dont have any kids but I already love them just when I think about them.
i guess it boils down to one thing. My father doesnt love me, and was so weak-willed about the situation, he thought money would make it all go away.
edit: Thank you so so much Taffer_Boy_Elvis. The letters sound like a good idea. But the weekend thing is off, we now live more than a days drive from one another. I really gotta find a change. But I cant seem to get myself to leave the house. Everything seems to be uphill, even just going to walmart is a battle.
Edit edit: i messed up an edit
Thief13x on 5/9/2008 at 05:01
Not trying to make excuses for your dad but what TBE said: your dad could have problems too...the cash could be him trying to fix something that he knows he never can. I would really consider the fact that your dad might be dealing with personal issues as well.
jtr7 on 5/9/2008 at 05:07
I'd say your father's been crushed by guilt and is doing the only things he can think of. It really sounds like it's his problem, and he's unable to deal with it, like he's going through something incomprehensible. His attempts to make up for his failure have only led to more failure. It doesn't sound malicious to me at all, just very sad. He's tried to soften the blow. Something powerful was stirred up. Sorry, I know I could be wrong here.:(
