I am lost now. - by Dia
Dia on 11/6/2006 at 04:58
Last Wednesday morning started out pretty much like any other day for me. Except for the fact that my husband, Bart (some TTLG ers may have known him as 'akabart', though he didn't visit here very often), was headed up to Elkhart Lake Wisconsin to take advantage of the open track day they offer to any and all road racing enthusiasts that want to test their mettle against their peers. Bart has been a motorcyle enthusiast since he was a pre-teen and discovered that motorcyles and racing were in his blood. He'd taken just about every motorcyle course there is and was a safe and responsible rider, as well as a smooth and savvy racer on the track. Though he hadn't raced in about ten years or so he rode his bikes every chance he had. Last year he told me that he wanted to buy a Yamaha R1; a sassy looking bike that could top 170 mph. Of course, my first reaction was, 'WTF do you need a bike that goes that fast for??". Bart had always had one or more bikes at any given time all his adult life, so his pining over this particular bike was nothing out of the ordinary. He admitted to me that he wanted this 'dream bike' while he was still young enough to ride it, not that he needed my permission - we didn't have that kind of relationship. Needless to say, he ended up with the R1, much to my dismay.
About 10:00 a.m. on Wednesday I called his cell phone being just a tad concerned that I hadn't heard from him yet (he'd left at about 5:00 a.m.). Somebody other than my husband answered his cell and after he realized I was Bart's wife, asked me if anyone from the track had gotten hold of me yet. I didn't know what he was talking about and asked him to clarify and the young man then told me that my husband had had an accident on the track and had to be airlifted to the Theda Clark hospital (Trauma Center) in Neenah, Wisc. Just then, my office phone rang and it was some official from the race track calling to advise me of the same. Nobody seemed to know exactly what had happened, just that it was serious enough for Bart to need 'Flight for Life' assistance.
It took about two & 1/2 hours for me to get to that hospital and I couldn't have done so sanely without the help of friends and family. From what my family and I could piece together from all the information we received from his friends at the track and from track officials, Bart had had a kind of freak accident that just plain shouldn't have happened. His bike 'highsided' in the 12th corner and the end result was that he was slammed head-first into the pavement at an estimated speed of 70 to 100 mph (slow, for road racers). His helmet did the job it was designed to do, but the sudden, violent impact to his brain and subsequent impacts from his body tumbling caused massive brain trauma. To make matters worse, Bart also suffered cardiac arrest immediately following the accident, from which it took the paramedics an unacceptably long time (their words) to revive him. It turned out the loss of oxygen to his brain wouldn't have mattered since the extent of damage to his brain was so severe that it shut down his cardio-pulmonary functions; the EMTs had to use a respirator to keep him alive after they shocked him several different times to restart his heart (his heart kept stopping until they inserted the respirator - three times total). My husband was pronounced clinically brain dead at around 10:00 p.m. on Thursday night and legally deceased at 3:00 p.m on Friday.
I've honored my husband's wishes that he not be kept 'alive' on a life support system; not that he could have anyhow since he technically died at the track that morning and his body was trying to die anyway. I also honored Bart's wishes to be an organ donor, which is why the doctors kept his body alive from Thursday night until Friday afternoon. The staff had to allow the organ donor network to mobilize; recipient matches had to be made for various organs, etc., and the recipients had to be found and notified.
I am also keeping my word to my beloved that he will be cremated. I'm not so sure about the last part of that request from him that I scatter his ashes at Road America, though. My brain hasn't gotten that far yet. Neither has my heart; or what's left of it.
It was very odd to me that yesterday morning, when the coordinator of the organ donor program called to ask me some last questions regarding my husband, how comforting it was when he told me that my husband would be saving several lives that day through his generosity and foresight. He told me he'd call me on Monday if I'd like, just to tell me more about the people whose lives my husband saved.
I'm not going to pretend to be noble here. Though I am sincerely glad that there are people who have been given a second chance at living, I wish with all my heart my husband was here with me tonight. We'd been married only eleven years and they seem to have gone by in an eyeblink.
I feel so raw and empty and angry and lost right now. I am in more pain than I have ever known in my life. I am despondent and despairing for it was far too soon for something like this to have happened. He said he wanted to grow old with me; he promised me Wednesday morning that he would come home safe to me. He lied.
My family has been unbelievably supportive, helpful and kind, but I'm tired of being strong for his relatives and friends. I know they're in pain and suffering just as I am, but I'm tired of closing myself in the bathroom at the other end of the house because I feel the tears and panic coming on and that just seems to upset everybody else. I'm already tired of lying in bed at night staring at his empty pillow. I've been a wife twice in my life, but never a widow before. I don't like it very much. Not at all.
Bart's memorial service has been scheduled for this coming Tuesday in Lake Forest, IL., so the next few days I'm sure will be a flurry of action and planning. I am not looking forward to this. I am not looking forward to the rest of my life right now, either. Though I may have bitched and complained about my husband now and then, I loved him more than I have ever loved any man in my life. We meshed at levels I never knew existed. I could never before imagine loving anyone else but Bart. I still can't.
The worst part is that I've realized that this just isn't going to go away. He is gone. He is never coming back. And I feel so very lost and alone. I hurt.
Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/hawk.jpg Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/Bart2.jpg Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/BartKy_sPreschool.jpgAerothorn on 11/6/2006 at 05:02
:(
There really isn't anything I can say, except to give my condolences, and say that there is no need to hide in a bathroom to cry...I can't imagine anyone wouldn't be understanding if you just let it all out whenever.
Briareos H on 11/6/2006 at 05:28
Condolences. Please rest in peace Bart. At Road America maybe.
:( :( :(
Vipercat on 11/6/2006 at 05:35
It always strikes at the heart when we hear of a fellow TTLG member passing and we can only imagine the despair that you must be going through if thats the right word.
Deepest sympahty to you Dia and you can always come to the forum for a chat with friends.
:angel:
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
( Original Poem by Wystan Hugh Auden )
:(
Dia on 11/6/2006 at 05:43
That was so unbelievably beautiful vipercat. I thank you from my heart.
Shadow Creepr on 11/6/2006 at 05:50
My deepest condolences to you and your family on the loss of your husband. :(
Spamlet on 11/6/2006 at 06:04
I don't actually think we've ever talked before but please allow me to express my sympathies.
I agree with Aero that right now all anyone should expect is that you will be grieving out your guts. It's essential for not remaining overwhelmed. There's no need to pretend to be strong and holding it in for other people. As you said, you're all going through the same pain and suffering so why not share that experience by clinging to each other and letting it all come out? It can help to make you feel less alone.
Yes, this is the part that really, really, really, really, really hurts but believe me when I say that it won't last forever.
Although it may feel as though you're completely lost right now with no way back, eventually the darkness will lift and you will find meaning and even joy once more.
Malygris on 11/6/2006 at 06:22
Condolences, Dia. I can't imagine what this must be like for you, but you have my deepest sympathies for your loss.
Parker'sSire on 11/6/2006 at 06:58
I'm truly so very sorry and saddened. My sympathies for your loss and my empathy for what you're feeling and going through, Dia lady.
Aero and Spamlet are right; you and your family need to lean on each other now, but please try to not lock yourself out of sight in order to look strong for the others. This isn't the time to be the rock. And please try to not worry about what the others think; they're just reacting to your grief because theirs is also deep... and that's OK.
There's no way to make the world calm and collected right now, so please don't use up what energy you have to try to make it so.
And it is true that your heart has a way of, eventually, letting the darkness lift and allowing you to continue and find joy again while never losing space inside for Bart or your love for him.
But I know that that has very little meaning right now. :(
I will keep Bart and you in my prayers.
Mr.Duck on 11/6/2006 at 07:04
*Stands in silence, head bowed out of respect*
R.I.P.
