duckman on 1/8/2008 at 23:56

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Hi, I thought I'd post this and get some feedback. I don't know if I feel this way because I just had 4 cups of coffee or because I just finished lifting weights (testosterone!). But I know I have to stop thinking this way, so maybe even making these thoughts public would help me a little bit.

Situation: I broke up with this girl after going out for roughly 5 months, she was my first 'love' although reflecting upon it, it wasn't real love it was dumb puppy love. Her ex was a friend of mine and caused a lot of issues, like he'd make her cry a lot and tell her bad things about me, tell her to cheat on me with him ect ect.

At first I thought that she was crying and stuff because she was a kind hearted person. As the months progressed I put a stop to this behaviour but then the last month of our relationship she started seeing him without telling me. As soon as I found out I had a talk with her and she told me she 'still has feelings for him'. We then broke up. 2 weeks later she told me she had sorted things out and wanted to get back together. I asked her if she had kissed anyone while we were broken up. She said yes. We attempted to be 'just friends' but I suppose she thought this meant being actual friends and hanging out, which I didn't want to do. We ended up fighting whenever we'd talk so I tried not to talk to her but she'd text, phone, and email me a lot. 3 months later I found out that she had had sex with one guy, and made out with 3 guys within the two weeks we were broken up. She also told me that she had tried to get back together with her ex, the guy who made things difficult for us. She continued to pester me for about a month, then I just stopped talking to her and she'd text me and phone me just about every day. Then she started following me around going to where I usually go, basically stalking me. She was upsetting me quite a bit and I had to up the dose on my effexor XR medication.

Finally she emailed me a large letter which had a bunch of emotional jargin on it, to which I replied 'fuck off'.

Later on I found out she had been cheating on me for a while with her ex while seeing me. Now it's been almost 9 months since we broke up.

The issue is; sometimes I end up thinking about her ex inadvertently, such as just right now; and I get mad. Sometimes I think about her and things she lied to me about, and I get mad. I don't want to be mad anymore, I shouldn't be thinking about her at all, but I'm having difficulty. I haven't slept with anyone since her, and I haven't had a girlfriend since her, not that I haven't been dating, I have, but I haven't met anyone I like enough to start a relationship with. So sometimes I think maybe it's because of this. I don't consider myself a very social person. Not that I cannot BE social, I talk with people and such just fine. However I don't like clubs, partys and I don't want to meet a girl at either or because I have in the past and had bad experiences because I don't want to meet someone who parties a lot or drinks a lot, and at my age it's difficult.

Maybe some kind/or harsh, words would help me out, I don't know what I'm looking for, maybe some advice or tips on how to change my behavior about this. I know both of them aren't hurting me, it's myself. Perhaps I've just associated stress and anger with that situation. I don't seem to think about either of them unless I start to get mad over something else.

I should also add I don't have any reminders of either of them anywhere.

veryhungryhobo on 2/8/2008 at 00:28

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And because it was them. You should do something to them. Something terrible. Something bad. Fuck them. Forget them. Move on. (You already know this, but I like to repeat.)

you gotta stop thinking about them. How. Only way is to get another woman. So lets have this whole place push it on you.
go out. now.

Once you have a new woman you can get angry bout her stupid behavior. And the sooner you move on the better don't waste time on this terrible shit. The people are assholes. God or karma or whatever you believe will bite them in the ass soon enough. you don't need to.

duckman on 2/8/2008 at 00:32

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I don't want to though. I'm afraid it will just make things worse. For example if I got into a fight with him he could end up charging me with assault. If I wrecked his car he could find out it was me. If I wreck her car, she could find out it's me and sue me. The thing I'm worried about is if one day I end up doing something I regret because I get mad if I see him or her or something and I want to avoid that.

pavlovscat on 2/8/2008 at 00:39

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Sounds like you need a good one-night stand with some mind-blowing sex and absolutely no commitment. That always helped me forget. Just curious...how old are you?

The_Raven on 2/8/2008 at 01:17

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I'm really tempted to rearrange the words in that sentence, but this isn't the time or place.

<HR>
Duckman, I'm probably the last person here qualified to give you advice; but here are my thoughts. On the one side you have her ex who sounds like a huge jerk with trying to get her to cheat on you with him. On the other hand, you have your now ex-girlfriend who was dishonest about you with some pretty big shit about your relationship and has resorted to stalking you and invading our private space after some pretty clear signals that it's over. Neither of them deserve your pity or your time.

This may not be applicable, but I'll put it here anyway. I'm not a people person, never have been, but in my limited experience I find that getting everything out in the open and sending very clear messages about where you stand helps a lot. The key thing is not to go overboard, something I'm still struggling with. One thing that I've learned not to do is to act out in anger, it makes you sloppy; in most of my cases, it just ends up being thrown back by opponents who are not intimidated easily. I guess the motto of "firm, but gentle" comes into play here.

As for getting past your anger, I'm not going to be a lot of help there because I'm still trying to figure out what to do with mine. Drinking and anti-anxiety medication help take the edge off for me, but I guess it really comes down to perception. I've always been really skeptical of all that mind-over-matter new age crap, but I'm learning as I get older that there may be some value to it. While a state of mind may not change reality, it does influence how you react and perceive it. Certain viewpoints do seem to modify my thresholds of what I'm willing to put up with, sometimes they're important enough to make a stink out of and sometimes they're not. I also find that a certain amount of perspective and distance from any situation helps a lot.

That's about all I got.