Gingerbread Man on 14/10/2003 at 09:00
Well, I went and got myself mixed up in some Asslander nonsense. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO LIVE IN SUCH HORRID PLACES? WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT KNOCKING A BUILDING OR TWO TOGETHER?
So they shuttled me around a fair bit, undoubtedly giggling at my back as soon as I left the tents. Made me stamp around in some tomb full of water and skellingtons, then sent I on some fool's errand to a place called KORAGHDilWAIND or something.... Huge, sprawling place. Way too big. I'm pretty sure whoever put that one together was just high out of their tree over at Bethesda and couldn't remember which archichunks were the ends of caves and so just kept adding and adding and adding...
I was sick of rocks by the time I got to KORFUITAWOMdkwW, and after about an hour of creeping around and whacking tentacle-faced Nyarlathoteps over the skulls with the flat side of my new Daedric Dai-Katana (those Daedroth are getting really lazy... I can drop them with chitin arrows fried from that shiny Bum Biter Bow before they even get close enough to see where Sneaky Me has gone) I was really looking forward to having a bit of time to stagger around Vivec or Balmora or SOMETHING.
What a dreary place the Asslands are.
Still, easier to get around than those freaky mushroom towns. It was a reversie in that other freaky mushroom town with the sanitarium... I was so sick of mushrooms that a good spelunk into Resident Evil World was a nice change.
But anyway, after thrashing a dozen or so of the tentacle-men at KAREIJLAKWJDLwkjalA, I figured I'd be back at the Asslander camp and then maybe go on a picnic SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY HAVE GRASS, but noooooooooo...
Go see more Asslanders, said the Asskhan. Or maybe it was that wiggy old lady in the yurt who said that. Either way. BACK TO ASSLANDIA.
Giggling tent-dwellers pointed me down some nasty canyon full of howling sandstorm GEE THANKS GUYS JUST WHAT I NEEDED. MORE SAND IN MY ARMOUR. And I ended up sitting with an asscrack full of grit in front of some talking door until the next day. Nothing like getting stuck in a narrow canyon with a sandstorm up your jacksie in the middle of the fucking NIGHT. I swear, those Mongols are probably laughing themselves silly. I bet as soon as I was out of earshot, they cranked the generators over, opened the stores, turned the sprinklers on, and had a goddamned Burning Man Festival.
I hate them. They are mean to me, making poor stupid me cut through gigantic ruins full of angry something-or-others. Getting me lost in tombs, telling me riddles and laughing when I don't understand.
WELL WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, ASSMEN? HINT: IT IS ME BECAUSE I HAVE THAT SODDING RING NOW, DON'T I?
And I will put it on my MIDDLE FINGER and show it to the Asskhans of each of the tribes. And then I will collect up GOO from various Ancestral Ghosts and I will put the goo in their BEDROLLS and then I will go around telling all kinds of nasty rumours about them.
¬¬
Erm.
Well, actually, my point was Woohoo I found That Ring, and you know everything that goes before you get that bit of the main quest done so yay me I r win.
Stainboy on 16/10/2003 at 14:46
GBM, you make me laugh so hard it hurts. Literally. I've just got back from hospital after a nice operation to get rid of my appendix AND IT IS SORE WHEN I LAUGH AT YOU. Especially with the shiny things. You bastard. :D
Stainboy.
easterlingman on 16/10/2003 at 16:12
AH.. the joys of a Daedric Dai-Katana. Doesn't it feel good to slaughter a town of slavers?
Gingerbread Man on 16/10/2003 at 22:29
If I never see another freakin' Great House Councillor or Asslander Yurt, I will die happy.
I must have run circles around that freaking Crab Shell for THREE HOURS hearing the same old same old. I popped in for tea at every Manor, nattered on and on about how l33t I am and how they should call me Horatio, and yadda yadda, and they were all very cautious and kept saying I was a SPY.
WELL OKAY, SO WHAT IF I AM?
And that Venim chap was downright snotty. Nothing I did would get him to budge, and all the other councillors were screaming at me to kill the motherfucker, but there was never any way to steer the conversation to "Hey, how about you and be have it out, then?"
Then, after sitting cross-leggedy in the middle of Under Skar, right where I could be sure to be in the way of the maximum number of Redoran Guards in their stupid squashed-bird facemasks, I realised I'd forgotten the bloody councillor who got evicted from Resident Evil Land and went hostelling in the Council Chambers. BAH.
So when that was sorted I managed to convince Venim to settle things with a sword. GREAT. BACK TO VIVEC.
>:|
By the time I got to the Arena Canton, I was furious. To hell with the Redorans, to hell with Venim, to hell with not looting the dead bodies of those vanquished in a duel. I jumped from the upper level, straight on top of the bastard, yelling blue murder and swinging an ebony shortsword in a rage. Killed him ferociously, and took all his shit. Left him naked in the sand and went back to Ald-ruhn.
So that was the last of them to call me Horatio. The Telvanni had been spared my shiny-things-quest while I pestered them about it, the Hulaghulahgluhagalu were really happy to call me Horatio (of course, word got around pretty damned fast about the Plantation Massacre, so I guess everyone was eager not to piss me off, especially since I was still leaving a trail of ash wherever I went THANKS VERY MUCH YURTMEN)
I get a letter from the miserable sod under High Fane, the one whose room I broke into many weeks ago. Seems he wants to see I. So grrrr, BACK TO VIVEC.
I'm putting that sodding mahout's children through college, I think. And if I weren't more interested in keeping my Mark at my pad in Ald-ruhn (for easy drop-off of heavy things) I would drop a new one right in the middle of the sea so that when someone comes along with another HAY GO HERE IT'S ONLY A HUNDRED THOUSAND MILES AWAY quest for me, I could VOOM back to the ocean and HIDE. >:|
Strider to Vivec, Almsivi Intervention to Temple. Yeah, I learned that one quick.
But guess what? The Healer Woman who is supposed to set up this meeting with Miseryguts says I need to be named Nevermind of the tribes. GODDAMNIT. I knew those Asslanders were going to fuck me over. So I sat and read my now-voluminous journal from end to end. Couldn't see where I had gone astray. All three houses, all four tribes... WAIT A MINUTE. That first tribe, north of Maar Gan.... The Urethragils or whatever... THEY NEVER GAVE ME A THONG. EVERYONE ELSE GAVE ME A THONG. FAGS.
So, murderous me stalks north to the Urethraphiles' camp. Slaughtering everything that gets in my way. Bandit, kagouti, alit, atronach, even a few of those Ogrim things (which, for the record, are so stupidly Super Mario Brothers in appearance that if anyone from Bethesda ever asks my opinion on the creatures in Morrowind I will have to sit them down gently and then make them weep with shame while I tell them exactly how stupid and immersion-destroying those things are. PLUS WTF NIPPLE RING? HOW GHEY)
Eyes front, sword swinging, through another Daedric ruin... why the Asslanders have built their yurts in the shadow of TWO Daedric ruins I'll never know.
Got to the ringleader's tent, kicked open the door, and said HEY YOU WHERE'S MY THONG? And he sent me to see the Wise Woman. I think she sent me back to the Asscan who gave me his teeth, or something. I don't actually remember too much, I was in a blind rage and there was sand in my underpants again.
VOOSH recall back to Ald-ruhn. Drop off all the heavy stuff, especially Venim's ebony armour. Gave that sodding mahout another million dollars to drag my sorry ass back to Balmora so I could pester what's his face about my stronghold. Run a message, wait a few days, cure a queen, hire some dudes, wait a few days, hire some dude, kill some dudes, hello and welcome to your new stronghold.
AND THERE'S ALREADY PEOPLE LIVING THERE, FS. >:|
Anyway.
I had a chat with that Vivec fellow. wtf sitting crossleggedy in a big room all day for generations? The guy has no life. There isn't even a television in there, no wonder he's all vacant-looking. He vents me some big spiel about ONO LOOK OUT IT'S DAGOTH UR and sends me packing. I left him some skooma and a pipe and a copy of ABCs for Barbarians. Figured he could use it as a colouring book if nothing else.
So now I am Horatio Nevermind, king of the Asslanders and Head Bean of three houses. Fat lot of good that does me. You'd think at this stage I'd be able to hire some thick-eared commoner to do all the running around for me, but nooooooo.
Signed,
His Majesty Horatio Nevermind, He-With-Sand-In-His-Vagina
>:|
easterlingman on 16/10/2003 at 23:06
:laff: :laff: :laff:
Now I remember why I never did any quests.
Gingerbread Man on 17/10/2003 at 04:30
Oh, he did not just send me from Vivec to Sheogorad...
I'm going to kill that guy.
Kilana on 17/10/2003 at 13:16
Your playstyle reminds me of another angry and likes-to-kill-lots-of-people guy here... and he has a level 100 char with a dress ^.~
btw, love the story ^.^
Gingerbread Man on 17/10/2003 at 19:35
Oh, don't get me wrong... Generally I'm a lovable, helpful, happy-go-lucky fellow. I routinely give 100 septims to people who don't attack me when I thought they were going to, I make sure all the lost pilgrims and guarmen get where they're going, I smile and have conversations with people even when I know they're going to say the same damned things over and over.
But this "Ah, so you did all that running around, did you? Wonderful... Now you can advance in the Temple. By the way, I want you to take a vow of silence so you can't use the Mage-o-Phone or the Striders and go from here to the shrine in Sheogorad, k? Look, here it is on your map: Right the other side of the world. Ta ta, have fun" is taking the piss.
Luckily I had just hit the Stop the Moon shrine, and that Levitation wasn't running out any time soon. I got clear to the edge of Sheogorad on that, right straight from Vivec and over Red Mountain, 400 feet in the air. No worries. Getting back was a simple Recall and Strider ride. But still... The nerve of that guy. Doesn't he know who I am?
Anyway, after that nonsense I decided to chill at home in Ald-ruhn. I still haven't moved into my Oldai Plateau stronghold, all my gear is now scattered over two floors of a Redoran hut. I should do inventory one of these days.
The lower floor is littered with weapons and armor (almost all shiny), the cupboards are full of gems and ingredients and potions, the upper floor is literally covered in ash statues, lutes, drums, alchemy gear, books, and moon sugar. Now that I've found a couple of good teachers in the Enchanting and Alchemy schools, I'm going to spend a while trying my hand at that.
I still have to find the Daedric Face of God helmet to complete my collection. I have two Face of Inspirations and one Face of Terror. I'm thinking about making a set of armour to go with the Face of Terror and enchanting them with a constant effect of Demoralise Humanoid... God knows I have plenty of Ascended Sleeper and Golden Saint soul gems lying around. And once I figure out why my Chance of Success on the Summon Golden Saint spell is 0, I'll have more. Until then, they seem to be prowling the Grazelands with fair regularity.
One of the reasons I was annoyed by the end of the Temple stuff was the Puzzle Canal. Once I got in there, the whole "how do I get to the actual shrine" bit was fairly intuitive. Even if it did take me about 4 minutes of sitting underwater. But FINDING THE CANAL was a piss-off. At least I have a fairly microscopic knowledge of the Vivec Temple and Palace compounds now.
I've even got one of those Dagoth What'sHisNames stuffed in a soul gem... Wonder if that's any good. Trouble is that it's time-consuming figuring out which objects can be enchanted most heavily. Think I'll go find some more Golden Saints, see if they have any more of those tower shields... they look like they can hold a charge.
Next order of business: Mage Guild and Fighter Guild quests. I have a few outstanding requests to find the bathroom, as well. Apparently there are two Asslanders who know where the bathroom is, that's going to be sweet sweet revenge...
:D
Tuco on 17/10/2003 at 20:21
Those Zainab jerk off wanking little piles of scum sucking cum drinking sluts should all die with their buggy quest.
What's funny is you didn't need to be named whore tator of the 3 houses or even nevermind of the tribes, all you needed was the azura ring... And let's just say the 3/4 quests aren't nearly as fun as GBM describes them to be. It's like what he says with more walking about.
You know what, this weekend I'm going to install and play bloodmoon.
madphilb on 17/10/2003 at 22:41
Note to self: Pick up depends next time at the store for reading GBM posts on TTLG....
Another great post as usual GBM.
Damn GOTY got pushed back another week... I'll have to stop reading or get caught up soon, I think I left off just before going to make all the "Asslanders" kiss my ring, or whatever.
The running around for the quests didn't really bother me too much.... I'd try to buddy things up at times (oh, gotta go this way, how about that thing that that person wanted done nearby, etc).... but I was also never in any hurry to get anywhere most of the time.
PHIL
